family

What would I be like if I was loved unconditionally by one person? What if there was someone who I knew was not going to love me less if I made decisions that they didn't agree with? I think that  the type of person who can do that, if they exist, is the type of person that I want to be. I don't want to force myself on people and I don't want to back away from people who see things differently than me. I think that I can learn from people who are unlike me. And probably the reverse is true, too. However, people only learn when they are seeking to learn, not when someone decides to teach.

I feel afraid of stepping out of my boxes because I don't want to lose approval. Why? The fear of losing approval, I suppose, is directly related to the fear of being alone. If I don't have approval then I don't belong with the group, whether it be with other people my age, my co-workers, my family, etc. Why do I fear being alone? I think that when people are alone they have only themselves to focus on, and then they get selfish and miserable and are never satisfied. But then again, people don't ostracize others for being just a little weird or making a few disagreeable decisions. And if you do make enough "bad" decisions for a specific group of people to not want to be around you anymore, then there is sure to be another group of people who do approve of the decisions you make and make similar decisions themselves. So I must be wanting to please a specific group of people. What group do I not want to be shunned from, or at least not lose status in? Is it even wrong to chose a certain life so that I can fit in with these people that I want so much? Many would say yes, some would say no. Either way, I need to be honest with myself about why I chose what I chose, and then decide if I still want to chose it.

Mitakuye Oyasin

I am beginning to feel this way. I like being in communities where I know everyone and everyone knows me. I liked my small high school, I liked my small department at my college, I liked my small church, I like my small community. I like being part of something bigger than myself. I know that if I sit in a room by myself and don't touch the lives of others then my life has been essentially pointless. Likewise, if I only interact on surface level with people then I haven't really touched anyone's life at all. Small settings draw me in because we all rely on each other for something. We share many things...space, friends, hard times,  exciting news, disappointment, time.

We are all related. I believe in the truth of this statement. We are all from the same Creator. I like how being able to connect with people of different walks in life brings me to a new place within myself. Looking into life from someone else's angle sheds light in totally knew ways, revealing what was hidden in the shadows of my perspective. Today at All Corps, we read a letter from a student who graduated from TCHS last year and is now at UPenn. He told us not to feel pressure, that Rosebud is just one of those places that needs a little extra light shed on it, like a lot of other places such as Philly "gheeze." He said that he "truly looks up to" those of us who "go to less bright places trying to make a difference." I want to make a difference, but what does it mean to make a difference? I might be putting a positive moment in these kids' lives, but are there lives put on a better course by the things I say and do? Am I settling for good enough? How much do I care?

Where I'm From

I am from powder,

existing to cover imperfections

freely blown with the wind

slipping through your fingers when too tightly grasped

I am from powder.

I am from silence,

tearing apart relationships through encroaching too much 

creating more than ripples than can be known

sharing truth without pretenses 

I am from silence.

I am from expectations,

conforming to mediocrity

withholding acceptance when the mold is not fit

uncovering truth by escaping boxes I don't fit inside

I am from expectations. 

I am from the middle ground,

winning neither game 

partially living and partially hiding

appearing balanced by the jaded scale

I am from the middle ground. 

I am from my heart,

a place where there is space

and company

I am from my heart.


no excuses

many places

Yesterday I decided that I was going to focus on connecting with my students rather than on trying to make them stay on task and learn. I think connecting with them worked better for both purposes. A student whom I have literally never seen smile smiled a ton, just a big ole consuming grin. It was so real, like he was on the verge of laughing. I saw him in the hall later and he looked the same way. I started to wonder if he was on something, but his eyes seemed genuine and lucid. Maybe something really encouraging and heart warming happened in his life. Maybe a loved one came back. Either way, it REALLY made my day.

I also had my first ever bi-annual evaluation of my teaching. Ms. D. stayed for the whole period but she is only required by government to stay for half an hour. That is 50 minutes longer than required. After class she told me I had improved a ton from the beginning of the year. Gosh let's hope so!!! Anyway, that was nice to hear and I know it is true. I have people like Mindi and Dennis to thank for that. Regardless of the positive feedback, I know that I have a lot of critiquing coming my way. I hope that I can be constructive with it. I want my class to be a fun place to be. Yesterday I heard one girl say she wanted to transfer out and another boy tell her he already tried that. Then I had another girl say in passing that she hopes she is in my algebra one class next semester. Why the difference in opinion?

I did zero work last night and I have done zero work this morning. Why? Because it feels trivial. Why?

I also need to deal with this internal tearing I have between being open-minded and being convicted about my faith. Instead of delving into the problem and reading up on things in the Bible and non-Christian stuff, I have just been ignoring both sides of the issue. That is a gross place to be. Fix it.

NO POST

So sometimes I write things in my blog that I don't want anyone else to read. I type them up and then save them as drafts, titling them "NO POST" so that I don't accidentally go and post them. Reading through my "NO POST"s right now, I have decided that I actually DO want to post this one. It is pretty raw and not something I would generally want to share, thus why I am sharing it. I think it is healthy to be able to share the hard things and the things I might receive guff or pity for. I don't want to hide the struggles in my life. I think it was right for me to write this as a "NO POST" at the time, because I don't know that I could have been honest in the words written had I believed they would ever get posted and so shared with another human being.

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right now i am in conflict about the very things i have based the essence of myself on...my faith and my ability to think for myself. every time someone presents a persuasive argument i am swayed by them. this is funny because my dad says that i am stubborn and wont give up my side without due persuasion. but really, i am weak when it comes to standing my ground. i struggle to see the line between being reasonable and open minded and being fickle and loose of convictions.  right now my faith is being questioned by others. i am surrounded by people who believe something contrary to what i have been taught to believe and what i have chosen to believe. and i have been prepared for this moment, have been warned that it would come. and it is not like it has  never come before. actually i feel like the last time this happened, where i was questioned this intensely about my beliefs, I gave in on them and cast my faith aside because I was convinced out of my beliefs, or maybe i was no longer convinced by them. now another comes along who questions my beliefs and i feel vulnerable about them again. this is where i struggle. i want to be open minded but i don't want to be swayed by the slightest breeze. and i feel like i am being swayed by the slightest breeze. am i wanting to please another fickle soul, or am i seeing a truth being presented? what is this? what happens if my faith isn't true? how will i live, how will i find meaning, how will i be happy? what if my faith is true; will i be able to keep doing what i am doing; will i be able to defend my faith to others in a way that isn't foolishness? so many more questions need to be asked. for tonight i rest in this...that i am confused, but the truth finds a way. well, that is debateable now... but i will continue to search it out. or maybe i am just beginning my search. i may find what i already have; or, i don't like to say this, but... i may not... either way, i am now actively pursuing understanding of the TRUTH about ....TRUTH.

Excerpt from one of my high school diaries...I was a sophomore...March 18, 2004

"The beauty of God's love fills my days with joy." Although it is hard to admit, it is true. The unconditional love of my Creator and the beauty he produced because of that love are my only joys in life. Everything else falls away. Men fall away. Friends fall away. Family falls away. Everything you think you can rely on...it all falls. No matter what I do to God, He keeps on loving me. With people, all it takes is someone else to come along or some problem to come up that they don't want to deal with an they're gone. Gone Gone Gone. It is a sad thing I know, but I don't feel sad. I feel a nothing that is every something I can't explain. My problem is not that people leave me, it is that I drive them away. Why I do this I don't know. Maybe it is because I want them to be so loyal to me, to know me so well, that they know that I am doing it to test their love. So far in my life only one person has truly stood by me though this all. I have been so angry lately, I just can't contain myself. Some people that I thought were good friends I now have my doubts about. How can a person be so ununderstanding and uncompassionate towards another person. To have someone that you thought cared about you blow off some of your deepest most personal feelings; to have then just say they're typical response of "what can you do?", or in this case, "cute." How completely annoying and crushing. One possible true friend eliminated. Shows how well they know me. Taylor wrote this poem last week that completely or at least completely accurately explains life. I guess life can never be completely explained, but it can be explained completely accurately. This world is shit,. God made it perfect and we fucked it up. What can you do??? The answer is nothing, no, I can do sonething. But how. But what. What is the reason. What is the purpose, the motivation. How do you un-fuck something that is already fucked? How do you turn shit into gold? I'm o alchemist but I'm sure it can be done.

so much life is wasted.
without love there's nothing.
only the world
and the world is fucked
and so am i.

without love life is a waste.
life is nothing without love
an nothing is a waste.

the world is waste
and so am i.
until i choose love
i'm fucked for life.

I think maybe I have been angry lately because someone that I thought a lot of let me down. Maybe that isn't the right way to put it. I know this person has a lot of their own problems...even if they can't or won't admit that. And I love this person. I love because of their humanity, I love because they are people, a person. I love for the sake of loving, I love because everyone deserves to be loved. Therefore, I love them and their friends and their enemies. But I, I was not loved. not as a person, not because I am a person. I must admit though, I am not a person that is easy to love. So I respect them for trying and I forgive them for failing. Maybe they need to love themselves first. Some people need that. I honesty hope this person can learn to love, because love is a choice. And I am looking forward to a continuing friendship and I can't wait to see them learn to love.

Okay, I just read over that and to tell the truth it is a bunch of mushy bull shit. (Only the last part is true, start with "I am not easy to love.") That is how it should be and how it isn't. I am angry because I lost. And I lose too often. And I hate losing. I suck at losing. I am a bad loser.

I feel abandoned and alone and all I want is to be safe. Sometimes I just want someone to cover my eyes and hold my hand and lead me through. i guess that is kind of God's job. Maybe one of these days I'll let him do it. Maybe...

Random Compilation of Thoughts

This is the morning after Thanksgiving break. I earlier I felt sick, so I took a shower and went back to bed. It wasn't the kind of sick where you think you might be coming down with something, it was more like a knot in the pit of my stomach. I would definitely say it crossed the line into nausea. Why am I so opposed to work? I love my job; maybe I am nervous about my performance? That is probably it - classroom management. Anyway, now that I am through the logistics...

This lonnnnng weekend was some good thinking time for me. I got together with my friend Tia, and we smoked hookah together for two hours while discussing the ins-and-outs of what it is that makes relationships last or fail. Relationships - romantic or otherwise - are so multifaceted and dynamic and unique from one another that they are impossible to comprehend entirely. I simplify things in my head and narrow my perspective to things that I have seen fail in my experiences and things that I have seen work in the experiences of those around me (Kaitlin and Bekah). I also like to dissect what I see in movies ("What Dreams May Come").

respect for space when people ask for it
not abusing the request for space
stop learning each other everyday
choosing each other every day
having loaded expectations verses serving another person
self-medicating and passing on pain

i want to be challenged in my faith to search out truth and grow stronger in it and be more edified. i don't want to constantsly have it torn at by my closest friend, the world does that enough. i want my closest friend to build me up in my faith and give me encrouragement and support and give me the hunger to have a deeper relationship with Christ.

i say i hate rules but i allow myself to be in a box, to fit a mold. i may be just contraversial enough to give myself some moving space within that box, but i am still in that box. really, how do you not have a box? everyone has a box, but our boxes are just made out of different materials and have different shapes. no one is box free. that is why we put God in a box and limit Him, because we know nothing else. Maybe if I can take God out of the box I made for Him I can begin to escape my own box. I have a friend who thinks my box is Christianity. Maybe he is right. I tend to think that my box is Christianity, in the sense that I focus more on my behavior than on my RELATIONSHIP with Jesus. Is a relationship a box? No. Is dictated behavior a box? Yes, because it restricts my living. Does a relationship with Jesus restrict my behavior, well yes. He calls me to die to the flesh. I want to escape these built in responses and look for deeper meaning, and then hopefully they will connect back with  what I know to be true. I know I am limiting my thoughts by staying in the bounds of Christianity, but that is what I choose.