today, on a paper sac, sitting in the coffee shop.

I need to challenge myself -- challenge myself to think, and to preserve those thoughts through writing. What is the point in thinking if you can't remember your thoughts? If these things are important now, they will certainly be important again later. Or, maybe it isn't an issue of time, but of making my thoughts and thus my mind and essence available to others. There is nothing that I want so much as to be known and then accepted.

On Faith
I think there are those, and a few who are close to me, who would say that if you question your faith, then you don't have faith at all, and you are not really saved. Frankly, I disagree. I truly believe that everyone questions the validity, the absolute truth, of their faith. Not just once, but multiple times of life. What I think is bad is when we are too scared to face those questions, and so ignore them, deny them, trivialize them, or "answer" them with sub-par rationalizations. I will question my beliefs. I will seek out answers...from people on both sides of the fence. I will have moments of doubt, and I will not deny that. From these I will grow to have a better understanding of truth...Because that is what we all want... truth...

Why do we all want truth? We want security. We want to know what to expect, and we don't want to be caught off guard.

I love stories. I love people's stories; I love fairytales. I love happy endings and tragic endings, and I love "to be continued"s. I believe in the power of hope. I see the beauty of birth, of sickness, of health, and of death. I find simplicity more appealing than money. I value relationships but I can't sit still long enough to let someone know me. I pretend to hate rules, but really I like to know where the boundaries are so that I can get the thrill of sticking my toes over them, or plow over them head first. I need rules. Ugh, I Hate that I just said that.

Birth - I don't think that bringing another soul into this world is beautiful. I see this life too much as pain and brokenness to warrant putting another through it. Birth is beautiful because of the purity and innocence of a fresh heart.

Sickness - We never feel in such desperate connectedness with our bodies until we are ill. It is when people have cancer or some other intense debilitating experience that they, their minds, and they, their bodies, become one.

Health - It is when we are healthy that we can enjoy life--that we can jump, skip, climb trees, go on walks, hold hands, cuddle, stay up late, get up early, smell the flowers and leaves and rain, enjoy the touch of a breeze, give of ourselves for the sake of another.

Death - Death is the ceasing of the pain of this life. Also, if death is not a surprise, or even if it is, the intensity of emotion and of love felt and expressed is itself beautiful--to feel so much.

truth hurts, sometimes

family

What would I be like if I was loved unconditionally by one person? What if there was someone who I knew was not going to love me less if I made decisions that they didn't agree with? I think that  the type of person who can do that, if they exist, is the type of person that I want to be. I don't want to force myself on people and I don't want to back away from people who see things differently than me. I think that I can learn from people who are unlike me. And probably the reverse is true, too. However, people only learn when they are seeking to learn, not when someone decides to teach.

I feel afraid of stepping out of my boxes because I don't want to lose approval. Why? The fear of losing approval, I suppose, is directly related to the fear of being alone. If I don't have approval then I don't belong with the group, whether it be with other people my age, my co-workers, my family, etc. Why do I fear being alone? I think that when people are alone they have only themselves to focus on, and then they get selfish and miserable and are never satisfied. But then again, people don't ostracize others for being just a little weird or making a few disagreeable decisions. And if you do make enough "bad" decisions for a specific group of people to not want to be around you anymore, then there is sure to be another group of people who do approve of the decisions you make and make similar decisions themselves. So I must be wanting to please a specific group of people. What group do I not want to be shunned from, or at least not lose status in? Is it even wrong to chose a certain life so that I can fit in with these people that I want so much? Many would say yes, some would say no. Either way, I need to be honest with myself about why I chose what I chose, and then decide if I still want to chose it.

Mitakuye Oyasin

I am beginning to feel this way. I like being in communities where I know everyone and everyone knows me. I liked my small high school, I liked my small department at my college, I liked my small church, I like my small community. I like being part of something bigger than myself. I know that if I sit in a room by myself and don't touch the lives of others then my life has been essentially pointless. Likewise, if I only interact on surface level with people then I haven't really touched anyone's life at all. Small settings draw me in because we all rely on each other for something. We share many things...space, friends, hard times,  exciting news, disappointment, time.

We are all related. I believe in the truth of this statement. We are all from the same Creator. I like how being able to connect with people of different walks in life brings me to a new place within myself. Looking into life from someone else's angle sheds light in totally knew ways, revealing what was hidden in the shadows of my perspective. Today at All Corps, we read a letter from a student who graduated from TCHS last year and is now at UPenn. He told us not to feel pressure, that Rosebud is just one of those places that needs a little extra light shed on it, like a lot of other places such as Philly "gheeze." He said that he "truly looks up to" those of us who "go to less bright places trying to make a difference." I want to make a difference, but what does it mean to make a difference? I might be putting a positive moment in these kids' lives, but are there lives put on a better course by the things I say and do? Am I settling for good enough? How much do I care?

Where I'm From

I am from powder,

existing to cover imperfections

freely blown with the wind

slipping through your fingers when too tightly grasped

I am from powder.

I am from silence,

tearing apart relationships through encroaching too much 

creating more than ripples than can be known

sharing truth without pretenses 

I am from silence.

I am from expectations,

conforming to mediocrity

withholding acceptance when the mold is not fit

uncovering truth by escaping boxes I don't fit inside

I am from expectations. 

I am from the middle ground,

winning neither game 

partially living and partially hiding

appearing balanced by the jaded scale

I am from the middle ground. 

I am from my heart,

a place where there is space

and company

I am from my heart.


no excuses

many places

Yesterday I decided that I was going to focus on connecting with my students rather than on trying to make them stay on task and learn. I think connecting with them worked better for both purposes. A student whom I have literally never seen smile smiled a ton, just a big ole consuming grin. It was so real, like he was on the verge of laughing. I saw him in the hall later and he looked the same way. I started to wonder if he was on something, but his eyes seemed genuine and lucid. Maybe something really encouraging and heart warming happened in his life. Maybe a loved one came back. Either way, it REALLY made my day.

I also had my first ever bi-annual evaluation of my teaching. Ms. D. stayed for the whole period but she is only required by government to stay for half an hour. That is 50 minutes longer than required. After class she told me I had improved a ton from the beginning of the year. Gosh let's hope so!!! Anyway, that was nice to hear and I know it is true. I have people like Mindi and Dennis to thank for that. Regardless of the positive feedback, I know that I have a lot of critiquing coming my way. I hope that I can be constructive with it. I want my class to be a fun place to be. Yesterday I heard one girl say she wanted to transfer out and another boy tell her he already tried that. Then I had another girl say in passing that she hopes she is in my algebra one class next semester. Why the difference in opinion?

I did zero work last night and I have done zero work this morning. Why? Because it feels trivial. Why?

I also need to deal with this internal tearing I have between being open-minded and being convicted about my faith. Instead of delving into the problem and reading up on things in the Bible and non-Christian stuff, I have just been ignoring both sides of the issue. That is a gross place to be. Fix it.

NO POST

So sometimes I write things in my blog that I don't want anyone else to read. I type them up and then save them as drafts, titling them "NO POST" so that I don't accidentally go and post them. Reading through my "NO POST"s right now, I have decided that I actually DO want to post this one. It is pretty raw and not something I would generally want to share, thus why I am sharing it. I think it is healthy to be able to share the hard things and the things I might receive guff or pity for. I don't want to hide the struggles in my life. I think it was right for me to write this as a "NO POST" at the time, because I don't know that I could have been honest in the words written had I believed they would ever get posted and so shared with another human being.

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right now i am in conflict about the very things i have based the essence of myself on...my faith and my ability to think for myself. every time someone presents a persuasive argument i am swayed by them. this is funny because my dad says that i am stubborn and wont give up my side without due persuasion. but really, i am weak when it comes to standing my ground. i struggle to see the line between being reasonable and open minded and being fickle and loose of convictions.  right now my faith is being questioned by others. i am surrounded by people who believe something contrary to what i have been taught to believe and what i have chosen to believe. and i have been prepared for this moment, have been warned that it would come. and it is not like it has  never come before. actually i feel like the last time this happened, where i was questioned this intensely about my beliefs, I gave in on them and cast my faith aside because I was convinced out of my beliefs, or maybe i was no longer convinced by them. now another comes along who questions my beliefs and i feel vulnerable about them again. this is where i struggle. i want to be open minded but i don't want to be swayed by the slightest breeze. and i feel like i am being swayed by the slightest breeze. am i wanting to please another fickle soul, or am i seeing a truth being presented? what is this? what happens if my faith isn't true? how will i live, how will i find meaning, how will i be happy? what if my faith is true; will i be able to keep doing what i am doing; will i be able to defend my faith to others in a way that isn't foolishness? so many more questions need to be asked. for tonight i rest in this...that i am confused, but the truth finds a way. well, that is debateable now... but i will continue to search it out. or maybe i am just beginning my search. i may find what i already have; or, i don't like to say this, but... i may not... either way, i am now actively pursuing understanding of the TRUTH about ....TRUTH.