I miss Mary and Morandi - voices of reason and humor and love!

Fate has played its hand so cruel, there is nothing I can do...

Oh Ray LaMontagne, don't play the victim! Fate may be cruel, but that is only reality if you chose it to be so :). Every heart break is a chance to learn how to love better and creates an opportunity to learn how to be more empathetic towards other people! I feel like being around my stepmom makes me into someone who rots inside, but I can't avoid her if I want to be part of my family as a family unit. Although, I think things might be better if I interacted with my family members more on an individual basis rather than a unit basis. First, I will know them each better as a person. Second, I am not sure that I believe my family can ever function as a unit with me as part of it. I don't say that with sadness, I say it with insight and acceptance. I seem to bring destruction to whatever party I am with--Mom's family or Pam's family. Both are ripped up when I am around. I cause too much turbulence, and I don't even try to do so. If I am honest with myself then I have to admit that I only partially mind this. It is like my presence creates an uproar for a power struggle with Pam, with my mother it creates an awareness in her of her own shortcomings (and so she tries to subdue me through breaking me by rejecting me, devaluing me, and showing me that she doesn't need me). I will not be broken by you. I am willing to break myself, but you will not tame me and you will not be my master. My spirit will remain defiant until you stop trying to defeat me. I will fly even with a broken wing. I refuse to be subject to the unreasonable whims of another woman. I feel like I ruin the worlds of my families because I bring conflict due to a different perspective and say because I communicate my perspective. So be it. If I have to go without mothers than I can deal. I have a father who is reasonable and can appreciate my mind, even if he disagrees with it from time to time (or often :P). I feel unsettled and riled up and excited but also alone. I believe in the win-win-win situations. I think this will come through me beginning to be true to myself and not agreeing to sometimes walk on eggshells for these powerful women in my life, and then other times being defiant (and rightfully so). Everyone needs consistency, even those who are heads over us. So, I shall be consistent. I shall consistently say what I think in a respectful but 100% honest way.

Now, I need to define what "100% honest" means. We all know that omissions yield ideas that are not complete truths...sometimes. But, sometimes omissions simply prevent hurt. Like, I don't need to tell someone that I think they are self-righteous and spiteful... There is such a thing as tact. And, by tact, I do NOT mean political correctness!!! So maybe that wouldn't be me omitting a part of the truth, maybe that would be more appropriately stated as me saying the truth "in love". Kinda...more like out of self-preservation?? (giggled to myself...) NoNo. It has to be out of love. Also, repeatedly saying the same things is pointless, especially if the words are meant to point out a flaw in the other person. Speaking of pointing out flaws in others, I should probably work on my own flaws first...BUT SHE ALWAYS THINKS I AM THE ONE IN ALL THE WRONG AND WITH ALL THE PROBLEMS!!! I want to shed a little light for her on exactly how shitty of a person she is...But she will never see it even if I hit her over the head with a sledge hammer of truth. Plus, it isn't my place to change her. I suppose my next blog should be about the things I need to work on in myself. Fine. I'm quite pissed about this.

ben, my CA this summer at institute, sent me and email and asked me how first semester went. Here is my response. (Yes, ben does not capitalize his name.)

First semester...It was a roller coaster! There were so many emotional highs and lows from feeling loved and then disdained by my students. It is funny how high schoolers are so passionate and so easily swayed by the tiniest of actions. I have come to the realization that my students can absolutely tell when I am being real with them and when I'm not; I forgot how in-tune to that kind of stuff I was when I was in high school, before the games of the world became so ingrained in my behavior and perceptions. I definitely like who my students are shaping me to be. Professionally I have also had many ups and downs, from days when everything goes so much better than planned to days that I thought were going to rock but turned out to be almost the breaking point of my sanity. I was sad to leave for break because I knew I wouldn't get to see my kids again for two weeks. Now I am a little nervous about all of the unknowns that will happen in their lives over break, and how we will all come back together and start working again as a unit. Teaching is a whole new level of leadership...I feel like I have to be able to move/transition with the thoughts of each of my students...beautiful but nearly impossible...!!! Anyway, I love my students and I like teaching and I am excited/curious/terrified (at different times, and sometimes all at the same time) about what the future holds :).

"I'm not much for the show."

I think I just realized why I am diametrically opposed to fancy showy things in a home. I think it is because my mother focused so much on having nice things and appearing to be well off, like it made us better people. She also put a lot of emphasis on appearing to be good when the rest of our family or friends were around. Now I associate nice shows of wealth as trying to get other people to think that you are better than them. I take this disdain too far by not valuing keeping my room straightened up and etc. I like things to be clean because that is healthy and respectful, but keeping things neat feels unneeded and aggravates me. My stepmom asked me to set the table just now, which I happily did. Then she realized that there were a few crumbs on the table cloth and said, "Oh, maybe we should have shook the table cloth off first." I said that it would be fine, and my dad, overhearing the conversation, said that he would take the table cloth outside and shake it. This annoyed me because the table which I had just set was now being unset, and why in the world does it matter at all if there are crumbs on the table cloth. Get real. At least the  obnoxious gold rimmed saucers are not being brought out. Those goddy things make me want to eat off the floor. I understand that shaking off the table cloth is a fine thing to do; it was technically dirty. I suppose it also annoys me because I said it was fine and that decision wasn't good enough. But also, I have seen so many one-uppings in this house that I am overly sensitive to it, creating offenses where there really are none. I do think that today will be a nice day, but I had to get this out before it went any further in me head. Family time shapes me to be a better person by forcing me to overcome the worst in me. Garr, just chill Lara. chee. 

Of course not all of this is to blame on my mother, it is my choice how I respond to the different stimuli in my life. 

I wish we had been able to have EVEN ONE honest conversation of substance, but alas, we don't know each other at all.

Christmas is a miserable time of year. It is such a drag that one person can just muddle the whole dynamic of a group. Why do you punish all of us but not tell us what you are punishing us for. Your passive aggressive efforts to communicate that something is wrong are ridiculous and pathetic and hurtful and annoying and make me feel violent at times. I refuse to ask you what is wrong when you behave this way, because I feel that is only encouraging that behavior by giving you attention. If you are hurt or mad about something then SAY IT. Don't create this maze of anger and darkness that no one can navigate except you. Actually, I stopped carrying to even try to figure out your games years ago. How do I find joy when your presence is so pervasive and in my face. I want to ignore you and pretend like you aren't there (half out of spite and half out of self preservation), like a child covering her eyes and believing the scary thing can't see her because she can't see it. I want to act kind and happy, but I also hate being fake. There has to be a balance somewhere.

I need to get to a place where I don't feel like I am holding back a negative response to everything you say. This probably means I need to not take your rude, disrespectful, and often flat out bitchy remarks personally. It also means that I need to not feel jaded when you make rules that are illogical and/or that are micro-managing things that don't matter. It also means I need to control my anger when you raise your voice at those I care about.

Or maybe you should just change who you are.

But we both know that is never going to happen because you are unwilling to examine yourself critically, ever, even a little. This is probably one of the reasons that you are one of the two most emotionally immature people I have ever met.

I understand that people are the way they are because of the way they interpreted things that happened to them or around them in the past. I don't care. Realize that you chose the wrong/negative/damaging response, that your perceptions are jaded, the world is not against you, and you don't have it worse than anyone else. Build a bridge, get over it, and be f*ing nice.

Comments on my last post

"I will question my beliefs. I will seek out answers...from people on both sides of the fence."

This raises questions in me. Seeking out answers from "one side of the fence" sounds like circular reasoning to me. But what if one side of the fence is absolute truth. Then it is silly to ask anyone in another pasture. I guess this is the quest, to find the right pasture. There can only be one. My experiences have told me I have discovered the true field, or it was revealed to me, but I will continue to address doubts when they arise, without fear of what I am to uncover.

today, on a paper sac, sitting in the coffee shop.

I need to challenge myself -- challenge myself to think, and to preserve those thoughts through writing. What is the point in thinking if you can't remember your thoughts? If these things are important now, they will certainly be important again later. Or, maybe it isn't an issue of time, but of making my thoughts and thus my mind and essence available to others. There is nothing that I want so much as to be known and then accepted.

On Faith
I think there are those, and a few who are close to me, who would say that if you question your faith, then you don't have faith at all, and you are not really saved. Frankly, I disagree. I truly believe that everyone questions the validity, the absolute truth, of their faith. Not just once, but multiple times of life. What I think is bad is when we are too scared to face those questions, and so ignore them, deny them, trivialize them, or "answer" them with sub-par rationalizations. I will question my beliefs. I will seek out answers...from people on both sides of the fence. I will have moments of doubt, and I will not deny that. From these I will grow to have a better understanding of truth...Because that is what we all want... truth...

Why do we all want truth? We want security. We want to know what to expect, and we don't want to be caught off guard.

I love stories. I love people's stories; I love fairytales. I love happy endings and tragic endings, and I love "to be continued"s. I believe in the power of hope. I see the beauty of birth, of sickness, of health, and of death. I find simplicity more appealing than money. I value relationships but I can't sit still long enough to let someone know me. I pretend to hate rules, but really I like to know where the boundaries are so that I can get the thrill of sticking my toes over them, or plow over them head first. I need rules. Ugh, I Hate that I just said that.

Birth - I don't think that bringing another soul into this world is beautiful. I see this life too much as pain and brokenness to warrant putting another through it. Birth is beautiful because of the purity and innocence of a fresh heart.

Sickness - We never feel in such desperate connectedness with our bodies until we are ill. It is when people have cancer or some other intense debilitating experience that they, their minds, and they, their bodies, become one.

Health - It is when we are healthy that we can enjoy life--that we can jump, skip, climb trees, go on walks, hold hands, cuddle, stay up late, get up early, smell the flowers and leaves and rain, enjoy the touch of a breeze, give of ourselves for the sake of another.

Death - Death is the ceasing of the pain of this life. Also, if death is not a surprise, or even if it is, the intensity of emotion and of love felt and expressed is itself beautiful--to feel so much.

truth hurts, sometimes