Freedom in Christ, My Home

"If the Christian is attached to some thing, such as a teaching, a tradition, an institution, a movement, or person, the end will certainly be a limitation of life and eventually confusion and disappointment, perhaps worse." (from a little article Caine gave me)

I think this statement is true. Does it only apply to Christians? I know that it strikes a cord with me because of something Lizzy said to me about Christ being our only home--not church, not a husband, not a house. I believe that having my home be Jesus would bring more freedom to my life path than almost any other decision.

Bein' Real

I have recently told my father that I want to apologize to my stepmother for my outward expression of anger at her. I understand that she was behaving as she always behaves, and I am the one who acted out of what is expected by lashing out at her (and dad too). I also told him that I don't think apologizing would bear any good feelings from her, in fact, just the opposite, because I feel that she doesn't think I am a genuine person due to all of our history and the mistrust it has created between us. I think he told me that he believes I am a pretty genuine person, but maybe I only imagine that he reaffirmed me in that way. A friend pointed out to me tonight that I am the one who saw that she doesn't think I am genuine...I could be projecting what is really true about myself into her point-of-view. Like she is the mirror helping me to see me. I have always said that the people I find most disagreeable are the ones that I have the most in common with. I see her as a completely fake person who can and will put on a face for anything that benefits her, but will also be completely mean spirited and spiteful to make others feel just as miserable as she is. A reflection? Honestly, yeah, kinda. I absolutely do this sometimes, especially when I am around her. This same friend who pointed out that maybe I am not as genuine as I like to think I am has also in the past commented on my ability to get along well with different groups of people...called me a chameleon I believe. I change according to the group of people I am with, and while I think this is healthy to an extent, I have to be true to who I am at all times. I am not one person when I am with you and another person when I am with them. I am me. But, am I true to myself? Or, do I let my camouflage capabilities totally overpower my true colors? It will be interesting to see how my coming to understand how to be true to who I am will affect my relationship with Pam. It will probably be more stable because I won't feel like my worth is threatened by the way she treats me due to the way she perceives me. They say that you are who you think other people think you are. I want to apply this to the coach and not the team, I am who I think God thinks I am.

Oh Me

Today I feel this deep desire to love someone, but apparently not just anyone. There are people that I see everyday and like just fine, but feel compelled not to be around them. Maybe it is because I feel the shallowness of those relationships and don't wish to partake of the nonsense. Actually I find the nonsense quite hurtful today. I want to interact on a meaningful intimate level, and I find others' rejection of that or inability to do so disappointing. What do you do on days where you have so much love but no one to give it to? (I suppose) You pour it out to everyone! ...Kind genuine smiles, encouraging words, patience, empathy, take the time to see another's perspective, and so much more... Also on days where I have an overflow of love, it is more irritating than ever to see individuals doing things that are destructive to themselves. I think that is why it is so easy to go from having a day where you feel like you have so much love to give to a day where you hate the world and everything in it. It is all about disappointment, which comes from expectations. Days that start intense for me usually end intense, but in the opposite way. The line between love and hate is so fine, because they are both so passionate. I suppose it doesn't have to be a fine line that is easy to cross, it can just be a fine line. Like, if I am at positive infinity on the x-axis for love and the line to cross over to hate is the y-axis, then I likely will never make it to hate. I guess it has to do with whether my feelings of love are dependent on outside forces or if it is something totally from within or a higher power. If they are dependent on what I see in the world around me than my good feelings will be fickle and short lived and not real and not able to be appreciated by anyone, because they can't be counted on. If they are from an internal spring, independent of circumstances and the reception of others, than they (my overflowing feelings of love) are beneficial to the world and to myself. I don't think having one person to focus my love on, like a man or a child, would help me at all with these feelings. I think the disappointment would still be there at the end of the day, because of my inability to convey enough the affection I have for them, and because if my love is not received in a way I understand (or at all) then that is discouraging and hurtful. I guess that goes back to my love needing to come from an internal spring. This is something I need to concentrate on in my life. Allowing that internal spring to flow and overflow, and I know how to do this. God is Love.

An Emotional Day

There was a "Prayer Summit" at my church today...I didn't really know what it was about but I knew I wanted to go. Prayer is such an imitate thing, and to share that with others is one of the most fulfilling interactions I can imagine. "When we search for God, He brings us closer to each other."This is what an elder at my church told me before we began our adventure into understanding God today. It was perfect insight because I have feel feeling so utterly alone lately. I know there are people who love me, but what about understand me? My attempts to portray my fairytale prevent others from actually seeing the real me. Turns out we are all alone in our own ways. I also am homeless, there is no place where I am welcome truly as a loved part of a family, where I am "one of them." I may not have a place of rest on this earth, and I don't have a relationship of rest either, But I accept that. Jesus knew loneliness; who could possibly connect with Him on the level that He could connect? Even if He was always around people, no one could be intimate how He was intimate. He had no place to rest His head; He chose to do the will of His Father and travel from one place to another spreading the truth. My rest is in Him; He is my only home. I am blessed to be one chosen to share in His suffering in this way. I will be a gypsy with Him. It is freeing. I am no longer bound by place or person or thing. He is my Way and my destination and my map.

I have hurt people. My stepmom specifically. I don't know what to do. I want to bring honesty but I don't feel it will be received. I don't know how to feel or show love there. I feel remorse for the broken state of things. Maybe I can try to write her a letter, with no intention of giving it to her, and be completely honest in it and see what comes out. I am confused and lost here. I don't know how to have normal female relationships. I always feel judged and evaluated and like I have to be on the watch-out for subversive attacks. I want to unlearn these ways and be free to be me and love.

I need to show Pam that I see myself and my flaws and apologize for the ways those have affected and hurt her. I need to communicate my intentions of future behavior and interactions with her.

I am never confident to do anything unless someone else approves it for me first. What is this about?
Can I be done with this entry now? Okay, thanks!

Haha, to add to that last point, I might ask for your permission but if you tell me no, beware. What!? Another bad trait!? Never!

i wish that i could hook a cable up to my mind as i am falling asleep and have all my thoughts downloaded and recorded on my computer, and then have them deleted from my mind so i could just get to sleep!

 so i stayed home sick today, and let me tell you, i am! i think that today has shed a little perspective for me on what matters in life. there is no reason not to enjoy every day that we are given! we have to experience each day anyway, we might as well search out the little things that make this world a little brighter and she day in our lives and the lives of others. that is why it is so fun to see little kids playing and chasing each other and responding to the world around them. everything is stimulating and the world still holds so much wonder and delight. my focus is going back to that which brings me wonder and delight.

my cousin posted a link to this article on Facebook, and i took the time to read it today. it is quite good and is helping me to view marriage in a more accurate light. marriage is not about a fairytale, because  fairytales are based on perfection, while marriages involve people. can't have both. furthermore, people always change when they get married, but rather than that being some tragic thing, as sometimes i have thought, it is more like a natural occurrence. people get put in new situations and they change. nothing shocking there. however, if we expect marriage to be fulfilling because of the quality of the person we marry, we are fooling ourselves. my grandma told me that marriage is like putting two jagged rocks in a tumbler. they chip off the rough edges from each other until they become smooth. but even when you think all the rough edges are gone, there you find another one. i guess marriage could be God's refining tool for His people. anyway, i really like what this article has to say about what marriage is and what it is not.

I connected the link, jic: You Never Marry The Right Person

Moving Forward

I realize that as of late I have regressed emotionally to that of a high schooler. I am not ashamed; I think it is good every once in a while to lose yourself in emotion. However, I think I now need to start giving myself a little bit of direction and structure. I am allowing myself to be depressed and low energy and all of the bad things that come with that. Where is the light at the end of the tunnel? I feel like I need to change my circumstances-become a missionary in South America or something. But that is just my old tendencies to run away. Why do I think that would help? Wherever I go, I am still going to be there. My circumstances aren't what need to change, my perspective and my actions are what needs to change. I am focusing far too much on myself. What can I do to shed a little light in others' lives; what can I do to lighten someone else's load today? That is the only way that at the end of the day I will have felt worthwhile and like their was some kind of purpose to my existence this day. I need to be giving more than I am taking in this life, or else I am a drain and am helping to deteriorate the way things are rather than make things better. And then it would be better if I had never been born. What a waste and a shame that would be. I ought to start giving of myself.

Desert Places

i feel alone. lonely lonely lonely. my heart aches to have someone to connect with. i don't want to feel this way anymore. i turn to Christ because He is my Option. What if He was only an option. Would I still pick Him?


                      Desert Places
                    ~Robert Frost~
Snow falling and night falling fast, oh, fast In a field I looked into going past, And the ground almost covered smooth in snow, But a few weeds and stubble showing last. The woods around it have it--it is theirs. All animals are smothered in their lairs. I am too absent-spirited to count; The loneliness includes me unawares. And lonely as it is that loneliness Will be more lonely ere it will be less-- A blanker whiteness of benighted snow With no expression, nothing to express. They cannot scare me with their empty spaces Between stars--on stars where no human race is. I have it in me so much nearer home To scare myself with my own desert places.