Complementary Opposites

Gentle Flake

My friends say that I have been very flaky lately (as in the past four months or so). Of course I definitely don't want to make my friends feel undervalued by blowing them off... yet, I keep falling through on my promises. So, the question is, WHY? I don't want to push away the people I love, and I enjoy spending time with them. I have given this some thought. Maybe I am exhausted and hanging out takes too much energy. Maybe I am subconsciously sabotaging myself. Maybe I actually just don't care how my actions affect others; am I all about ME? My mother always told me that I am a fair weather friend. I am a friend to someone only as long as it benifits me. I always thought she was portraying her own shortcomings onto me. Now I wonder...

The good news is that if these character flaws are more than imagined then I can change them. Just because I have a negative disposition does not mean my actions must portray it. The bad news, my mother may have been right. What else may she have been right about? Am I manipulative, greedy, vain??? O the self searching... exhausting and never yields a conclusive answer.

Maybe rather than dwell on what I do wrong I should focus on what I would like to do right! No love is unconditional except one. Thus, friends can only take so much mistreatment before they disappear. This doesn't make them shallow or love any less than I love; it means they are human. We love because we first were loved.

The Forest of My Dreams

There is a place in the forest of my dreams where I feel at ease, where God's breath comes up out of the ground and caresses every living thing. It is dusk, just before the stars begin to shine, and it is so humid that the light reflecting off objects is distorted, making everything appear slightly out of focus. The moss covered pine trees weep and sway to a rhythm that is deep within my soul. The rich black soil beneath me radiates as much humidity as the air above it. It calms me, this intense wetness, this slow rhythm that only my heart can hear. I hear water in the distance, a single trickling stream, with no beginning and no end, no purpose, just to be. This dream is my piece of heaven, where God meets me, and kisses me goodnight.