insights from marky

I have learned that when I say or think things like, "i am a horrible person, no one should be my friend" and "if someone is friends with me then they must not be that good of a person" i am devaluing my friends. when i can't love myself for who i am and i think no one should love me, i am basically saying that God is wrong because He loves me. Who am i to second guess God... if God loves me I must be extremely special.

revelations

moderation is good

changing me so other people are happier is ok, changing me so other people love me is not

i really do love myself

i really do believe God has a plan for my life. i believe He created me with purpose, not just willy nilly.

i finally not only understand intellectually, but now feel in my heart that my life is not mine to take, my life belong's to Christ :)

these are big steps in my life

Expectations...

Sometimes I feel so much pressure to be that person people expect me to be. Or maybe they don't expect it. I can't be happy all the time. But if I am not I let people down. I guess I like people who are real. Act sad when they are, show insecurities, etc. As long as they aren't extreme with there "downisms"... The fact remains that I have a lot to be thankful for and a God who promises me He will take care of my tomorrows so that I never have to worry. That seems like more than enough to make this a happy day.

On the value of Me

Secret motion sly little thoughts. you never deceive even tho you slither through my conscious O no no but you do deceive deceive so well i am deceived into believing i am not. how can i trust my own thoughts. i cannot. how can i believe my own eyes my own perceptions of reality. i cannot. what can i believe??? I can believe in a Love bigger than me, bigger than my thoughts, bigger than my perceptions. Circular reasoning yes. yet i still believe. there must be a Truth, or existence would not exist. Proof or deception? yes yet i still believe i have found the Source of Truth, and it is You.

Contentment

I am happy O so happy that life is never climaxed. There is always more to come. But for now, this is enough :)

Leona Lewis, thank you for "Better With Time."

HOPE!

Today, a miracle happened. No doubt it WAS a miracle... the miracle of an answered prayer! O Lord, I have been struggling! I can't remember how let myself feel loved by You, I can remember, but I can't grasp it. Finding good in myself is like trying to grasp a flake in bathwater-every attempt just pushes it farther away. Everything is vanity! Solomon's depression is inching into my heart. Give me hope Lord, give me a sign, show me you have something more for me than this burdened life that is my self-made prison! I have walled myself in and I can't reach the top of the ledge, I can see it from here, but there is just NO WAY to get there.
Then Today. TODAY! I can't take this anymore. I'm desperate! I see myself going where I was, and I AM SCARED. TO DEATH. In a desperate attempt, a pathetic attempt, a hopeless attempt to find, well... hope... I walk into Walgreens pharmacy. How much does it cost to get my anti-depressant prescription with no insurance? Ninety dollars. A month. NO WAY. Can't afford that, not even close. Oh wait, have you heard of our membership? NO... Twenty dollars annual membership fee, and you can get your prescription for eleven dollars a month.
THANK YOU LORD. I LOVE YOU COMPLETELY. I KNOW YOU MUST LOVE ME IN A SPECIAL SPECIAL WAY. I NEVER WANT TO LOSE YOU. NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER LEAVE ME, PLEASE. I NEED YOU.