Today in my journal

Post or no post. I just don't care. TIRED. NOT ENOUGH PROGRESS.

So tired. So crabby. Why is nothing I said ever retained with these children? My head is foggy, my heart hurts. I want to see success. FUUUUUCK.
I want a doggy and a best human friend. I want a lover who looooooves me. I think that you can't love someone unless you take the risk to decide to love them. Then, after you have made the choice to love them, you truly begin to love them through consistently making the choice to love them and behave in such a way that reflects your decision. Consistency is such a big deal.

Summer School and Life

Today is the last day of summer school. I have had 5 students earn passing grades, and one of my own students come in and worked her way up from a middle of the road D to a high C. There are two more that I hope work their butts off today and pass my class by getting a D or better on the final. I could have allowed them to pass a couple of days ago, but I want them to be as prepared as possible for geometry. I know Ms. Linster stresses the fact that understanding graphs and linear equations and tables and the connections between them is essential, so I refuse to let anyone pass algebra who is not at least proficient in that area. They also need to be able to follow the order of operations to simplify numerical expressions, combine like terms in order to simplify algebraic expressions, and they need to know how to distribute, multiply polynomials, and factor simple trinomials. Obviously, I can't pass a student out of algebra if they can't solve one and two step equations.

I have been doing much introspection these past few weeks concerning my teaching practices and mindsets. I am going to have to give my heart to my students this summer in order to prepare myself for the coming year. I need to be able to reach every kid where they are--high or low. Haylee is blossoming in summer school. She wants to learn and is very smart. She is such a social butterfly that it prevents her from doing well in school. How can I help kids like Haylee?

How can I help kids like:
Haylee-- too interested in being social but actually very intelligent, also doesn't want the reputation of being smart
Ryan--doesn't believe in himself and so won't even try, sleeps
John--thinks everything is too easy for him so he won't try, even tho he doesn't know how to do the material
Tyler--needs to experience the material in many different ways in order to make lasting connections and understandings in his head
Billy--very smart but needs an exceptionally long time to finish even one problem. slow with writing and need to be spoken slowly too

After and Before
There is a barbecue get together after school today at the Baca's, and I cannot wait! I am excited to shoot the breeze with my coworkers and hang out in a less professional atmosphere. Hopefully Dennis will join me. I am super pumped about my vacation with him. It feels like my first grown up vaca. I have gone on other long vacations with friends, but I have never flown there (since I left the nest) and they have always been a spur of the moment "lets drive to California/Minnesota/Montana" type of thing. This is planned out, and for the specific purpose of spending quality time together doing things that we both love. Before it was always about getting to do things I and the other person wanted to do, but it wasn't really about getting to do it together. Just about getting to do it. His company is so pleasant...He calls me out on my shit. Like the other day I asked him a question that I already knew the answer to, and he showed me that I was being manipulative by doing that. He makes me a better person in so many ways. I like his outlook on life, I like how his dog reflects the best of him, I like his new country home, I like that he calls me pumpkin, I like that he laughs at my jokes even when they aren't that funny, I like that he loves coffee as much as I do, I like that he reads for fun, I like that he makes me breakfast, I like that he likes camping, I like how often he tells me he likes me, I like the crazy things he makes me want to do, I like cuddling with him, I like cooking fancy food with him, and I like reading with him. I like his eyes. They are beautiful and sweet and funny and they talk to me.

Luuuuuv

You know what? What is love? When I was with Kelsey I thought I loved him, because I cared deeply about him and was 100% devoted and loyal. Then again, I treated him like shit and he did likewise to me. Is that love, or codependency? I needed him to feel okay, and he needed to bring me down in order for himself to feel okay. I don't think that is love. I don't know what it is, but it is not that. When I was with Keegan, I thought I loved him, because I wanted to spend all my time with him and share my thoughts with him and cared about his emotional and physical well-being.  Then again, I was never the giver in our relationship, I was always in it for what I could get. Sure, I spent many hours making sweet gifts for him, but would I ever make sacrifices for him or change my plans for him--would I ever put his needs before mine? Rarely. When I was (not) with Seth, I thought that I loved him (I think I thought I did...) because I so intensely wanted to spend time with him and his family or even just his family without him, and I wanted get his insight on everything, I respected him so much. However, I think what I felt for Seth was this deep need to get acceptance and affection from someone so Good. I probably would have done about anything for him and made tons of sacrifices without feeling resentful, but it was all a game to me. I forced myself to have feelings for him because he was so Good, but really I was not compelled to be mates with him. We didn't have the same sense of humor, I liked to smoke hookah and have a beer with dinner and he would never touch the stuff, I wasn't a virgin and he had never even held hands or kissed a girl. I think my love for Seth was less romantic and more friendly. I think for the first time ever that I am willing to admit that what I had with Kelsey wasn't love. I believe that loving someone is a choice, a conscience decision... Not something that you fall into. The love you fall into is shallow and temporary and not even real because both people are in love with an idea, not a person. To me, right now in this moment, love is a choice to be loyal and devoted to someone, but also a choice to respect them and treat them with kindness, and to give grace when you feel that they don't measure up to your expectations of them. All of these things seem like they should be how you treat everyone everyday, but I think that when you have romantic feelings for someone and you spend a lot of time with them, then the infatuation--the lie--wears off and you are left with the real deal. It is then that you know whether or not you want to chose to love. These things (loyalty, devotion, respect, kindness, grace) are easier to give to people like close friends, who don't have as much emotional pull in your life. I think one key to good relationships is understanding that the other person is human. They will not always put you first, they won't be attracted to you every second of every day, and they have needs that they want you to meet too. If one can appreciate another for who they are in all of their humanness, without any of the false perfections we tend to project on our significant others, then I believe that their is a potential for true deep companionship and love. The rest is pointless, unless you just want to have fun and are willing to have your heart broken (which isn't really bad, we are all allowed to decided what is best for ourselves), you are willing to break someone else's heart (selfish *angryface*), or you are willing to be in an emotionally distant (and thus fake) relationship (again, we decide what is best for ourselves...but this one might hurt the other person too). Peace out. Luuuuuuv :)

Happy Sigh

Today in class was soooooooo much better than yesterday. Second block, the block that I LOVE, was a disaster yesterday. Today, I laid down the expectations for the day at the beginning of class, and it went well. Kids raised their hands, shushed each other, and asked lots of questions, by raising their hands!!!!!! It was order and not chaos. Lovely. Just LOVELY. :)))))))))))

Ex-NO POST (showed him, so no point in not posting :P )

Today is a rough day (:/) for me emotionally. I think that my early morning emotional state has had a spiral effect on my attitude. My bf/MTLD (but not at the same time... when bf, only bf. when MTLD, only MTLD...or at least I try to separate them in my head :/) observed me today and I have decided that I really dislike that he evaluates me on a personal and professional level. It is so rough. I am not super woman. I am not always going to be sweet and I am not always going to be on my game in the classroom. I want to always be sweet; who doesn't want to be forever intentionally kind and thoughtful? I want to always play my A-game in the classroom; I want my students to have the opportunity to do anything they want to do and every move I make is a move towards or away from the goal. How do I not let the fact that his job is to critique and help improve (thus, find flaws) in my teaching affect my emotional well-being?

Dad, you aren't gonna want to read this :'(

What are the things that matter to me? Do I espouse ideas for which I have no firm conviction? Am I lazy?

Why don't you tell me. I don't want to think about it.

I profess love for a god who hates homosexuality, who condemns those who can't recognize him as The God to hell. How logical is that? Being a person who has been introduced to Jesus, I am honestly in a place where I can see how someone might not believe. Sure, there are high emotional moments that may seem as though God is communicating with me, but those are fleeting, and I think that they are created by my perceptions of reality. Ugh, I want to write clearly. I feel like the wondrous emotional moments I have when I am worshipping God might not be coming from a close connection with God, but rather from the idea that I have (at the time I am worshipping) that God is near me. I don't want to believe in a god that condemns good, moral people to hell. I don't want to believe in a god that condemns very devout Muslims and Buddhists and Jews and other people who have devoted their life to faith/spirituality. I know gay and lesbian and bisexual individuals who are giving much more back to society and in general are more kind and thoughtful and generous people than many fundamentalist Christians I know.

I feel like if I am going to doubt the fundamentalist beliefs that homosexuality is wrong and that non-Christians who live good lives are condemned to eternal damnation, then I have to doubt everything about the Christian faith and its scripture. If the Bible really is the inspired Word of God, then everything in it should be absolutely completely accurate. In that case, what the Bible deems to be good/bad would trump my inner convictions based on the experiences I have had. However, if the Bible is in anyway inaccurate, inconsistent, or contradictory, then it cannot be a divine book.

I don't think homosexuality is wrong. I think sexuality is a spectrum and no one is completely straight or gay. I guess this means that I think gender is probably separate from sexuality.

I am not okay with condemning people who are different from me, and I never will be. I can't say what you do is wrong unless it hurts others, in the present or in the future. That's it.

(PLEASE) Love me anyway...