Things about me that I need to work on.

So, I don't like this entry. I like myself just fine the way I am. And I don't want to be changed, but I do. How honest can I be with myself concerning the problems with my character and behaviors (very interlinked, I know)? How much honesty can you take? Dare we continue this???

I am going to think about this all day, and talk to people about it, and get back to this tonight. I'm nervous. And I hope it turns out to be scandalous and appalling, because otherwise we know it isn't real.

Peace.


...To be honest, it is tonight, and I don't think I have anything real to write. Maybe tomorrow. This is bad. Lame-o Jame-o. lol.


3 January 2012

1. Fickle/lack of follow through

• "What do you think? A man had two sons. And he went to the first and said, 'Son, go and work in the vineyard today.' And he answered, 'I will not,' but afterward he changed his mind and went. And he went to the other son and said the same. And he answered, 'I go, sir,' but did not go. Which of the two did the will of his father?" Matthew 21:28-31

2. Procrastinate

3. Dislike for and rebellion towards authority

• "Remind them to be submissive to rulers and authorities, to be obedient, to be ready for every good work..." Titus 3:1

4. Rationalize things I know to be wrong

• "He shall confess his sin that he has committed,And he shall make full restitution for his wrong, adding a fifth to it and giving it to him to whom he did the wrong." Numbers 5:7
• "Therefore, confess your sins to another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working." James 5:16

5. Pass on pain

6. Allow anger to consume me

• "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things." Philippians 4:8
• "Do not be overcome with evil, but be overcome with good." Romans 12:21

7. Place blame (play the victim)

8. Respond in kind to passive aggressiveness (is this the same as passing on pain?)

• "If your enemy is hungry, feed him. If he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing so you will heap burning coals of shame on his head." Romans 12:20

9. Try to distract myself rather than deal with the issue

10. Get lonely

11. Get bored

12. Don't like being corrected.

• "Whoever loves discipline loves knowledge, but whoever hates reproof is stupid." Proverbs 12:1

I am starting to annoy myself.

Having read through this and having done some intro and retrospection, I realize that I am in a place emotionally similar to where I was in high school. A humbling realization. I am stirred up inside and have a cloud in my heart. I came to the conclusion at one point in my life that thinking “too much” is what leads to depression. I still feel like thinking a lot leads me to have this “cloud” in my heart, but maybe it is because I am going about it in the wrong way. I want to evaluate things honestly and objectively, not with rainbows and not with charcoal. Perhaps I am still looking for the reasonable set of lenses. I am tired of overly cheerful and illogical BS, but I also have no tolerance for downers who look at life as a hopeless series of events. I see light, and I see darkness. I realize that when you turn on a light the darkness is vanquished…and you don’t get darkness back by adding something, you get darkness back by removing something, and that something is light. Light overcomes the darkness; truth overcomes lies. I want to love someone, truly love someone. A friend, a family member, a man, anyone but myself. I want to put someone before me. I suppose that I one need that Christ should fill in my life. (and SEE, this is just another way that Christianity fulfills basic human needs…it is a struggle of the chicken or the egg. Did Christianity get invented to meet these needs, or do these needs exist bc we were created to intrinsically need to turn to our Creator)

When I have situations in my life that I need to address, I like to talk to people to try to understand what the best course of action is. However, how can I know what the best course of action is without understanding the nature of the situation first? I feel that a lot of my experience, in discussing things like this with Christians, I get fix-it-quick solutions that rely heavily on God intervening in a mighty way. When I talk with my non-Christian friends I feel like they seek to understand before solve. This could be because most of my Christian friends are baby Christians…My Dad wants me to seek understanding of myself and of others and of my interactions with others. He explicitly told me on Monday that he doesn’t want God to swoop in and fix the symptoms, he wants the root issue to be understood and addressed. “Pray to understand the root.” Is that kinda like King Solomon praying for wisdom?? Kinda/

On Christmas Eve night, my family and I watched “It’s A Wonderful Life.” It got me thinking…In a hundred and sixty years from now (or two lifetimes from now), if I had never been born, would the world look any different? I don’t want to dedicate my life to some cause or try to do these big good things in some vain attempt to matter.  It would be nice to matter, to create some kind of positive cycle that lasted and affected the lives of others long after I am gone. But, do I need that hope in order to be content that life is worth living? Can I accept that perhaps I am completely insignificant for any period longer than my life? I think it is obvious that everyone creates ripples in their own time with the people they interact with and etc, but that could only be a moment and not something that is lasting or creates movement. It would be nice to be able to see that the world of a handful of people has more love in it because I was around at one point in the spectrum of time. Lol. Purpose, significance. Why do they matter!? They keep me wanting to do the right thing. What are other reasons to do the right thing? Purely because they are the right thing, because the right thing keeps civilization civilized. Why do I care about whether or not things are civilized? Because I want to know what to expect--I rely on and enjoy the structure and safety that civilization provides.

My dear friend Mark has told me about these 5 levels of secrets that he read in a book somewhere, and apparently agrees with, since he remembers them so well and uses them to help me understand people.

5 Levels of Secrets

5. Secrets you can’t admit to a complete stranger.

4. Secrets you can’t admit to an average friend.

3. Secrets you can’t admit to close family and friends.

2. Secrets you can’t admit to your spouse.

1. Secrets you can’t admit to yourself (stuff you deny or a painful truth you haven’t accepted yet).

I shared these with another friend of mine, mostly because I was curious how he would respond to them, but there were other motivations mixed in there as well. He said that the reason “we can’t admit” these secrets is because we don’t want to ruin the other person’s “fairytale”  … because ruining their fairytale also ruins our own fairytale. In essence, the “fairytale” world we try to live in is full of lies and deceit THAT WE CHOSE AND ACCEPT so that we can be comfortable. I also remember this friend telling me that he believes in “comforting the disturbed and disturbing the comforted.” In some ways I agree with this, but seriously, what if this pretend world is (ironically) the only thing holding a person from breaking? I suppose that person is disturbed in their own way. Truth is the only way to have real peace, because you don’t have to worry about the story … It is what it is.

THAT is comforting, because it is out of my hands (and so not my faul???). That is ironic, too.

What are my level one secrets? I KNOW that I want to be understood but not managed, not controlled. Are these the roots? Those things make me feel incompetent and belittled and insufficient. I suppose if I was really confident in my own abilities I would not respond so violently to people trying to control me, because I would know that they could not and I would have no need to overreact. From my words in a text, “I need to stop worrying about resisting people who try to manage me and just live.” I was told that “just living” is a key term in my life. What does this MEAN???

I want to live, not just live.

I WANT TO LIVE!!!

None of those seem like level one secrets. Maybe I don’t have any? Maybe you only have level one secrets at certain points in your life, then you get strong and face them and even share them and then they become level whatever secrets. Honestly, I feel like there is not a whole lot of stuff I wouldn’t share with a complete stranger. Who cares, you will likely not see them again, and maybe they can shed a little light. Although, if I will continue to get to know them, maybe I wouldn’t want to tell them my secrets because who knows who they will share with and then those other people’s images of me (false images/fairytales) will be ruined and then my image of myself (false image/fairytale) would be ruined because I could no longer pretend it was true if no one else was playing along. Here I am talking about broken fairytales again. How would the world be different if we were all completely honest and upfront and transparent? Would the world function at all? Would it be better? 

I miss Mary and Morandi - voices of reason and humor and love!

Fate has played its hand so cruel, there is nothing I can do...

Oh Ray LaMontagne, don't play the victim! Fate may be cruel, but that is only reality if you chose it to be so :). Every heart break is a chance to learn how to love better and creates an opportunity to learn how to be more empathetic towards other people! I feel like being around my stepmom makes me into someone who rots inside, but I can't avoid her if I want to be part of my family as a family unit. Although, I think things might be better if I interacted with my family members more on an individual basis rather than a unit basis. First, I will know them each better as a person. Second, I am not sure that I believe my family can ever function as a unit with me as part of it. I don't say that with sadness, I say it with insight and acceptance. I seem to bring destruction to whatever party I am with--Mom's family or Pam's family. Both are ripped up when I am around. I cause too much turbulence, and I don't even try to do so. If I am honest with myself then I have to admit that I only partially mind this. It is like my presence creates an uproar for a power struggle with Pam, with my mother it creates an awareness in her of her own shortcomings (and so she tries to subdue me through breaking me by rejecting me, devaluing me, and showing me that she doesn't need me). I will not be broken by you. I am willing to break myself, but you will not tame me and you will not be my master. My spirit will remain defiant until you stop trying to defeat me. I will fly even with a broken wing. I refuse to be subject to the unreasonable whims of another woman. I feel like I ruin the worlds of my families because I bring conflict due to a different perspective and say because I communicate my perspective. So be it. If I have to go without mothers than I can deal. I have a father who is reasonable and can appreciate my mind, even if he disagrees with it from time to time (or often :P). I feel unsettled and riled up and excited but also alone. I believe in the win-win-win situations. I think this will come through me beginning to be true to myself and not agreeing to sometimes walk on eggshells for these powerful women in my life, and then other times being defiant (and rightfully so). Everyone needs consistency, even those who are heads over us. So, I shall be consistent. I shall consistently say what I think in a respectful but 100% honest way.

Now, I need to define what "100% honest" means. We all know that omissions yield ideas that are not complete truths...sometimes. But, sometimes omissions simply prevent hurt. Like, I don't need to tell someone that I think they are self-righteous and spiteful... There is such a thing as tact. And, by tact, I do NOT mean political correctness!!! So maybe that wouldn't be me omitting a part of the truth, maybe that would be more appropriately stated as me saying the truth "in love". Kinda...more like out of self-preservation?? (giggled to myself...) NoNo. It has to be out of love. Also, repeatedly saying the same things is pointless, especially if the words are meant to point out a flaw in the other person. Speaking of pointing out flaws in others, I should probably work on my own flaws first...BUT SHE ALWAYS THINKS I AM THE ONE IN ALL THE WRONG AND WITH ALL THE PROBLEMS!!! I want to shed a little light for her on exactly how shitty of a person she is...But she will never see it even if I hit her over the head with a sledge hammer of truth. Plus, it isn't my place to change her. I suppose my next blog should be about the things I need to work on in myself. Fine. I'm quite pissed about this.

ben, my CA this summer at institute, sent me and email and asked me how first semester went. Here is my response. (Yes, ben does not capitalize his name.)

First semester...It was a roller coaster! There were so many emotional highs and lows from feeling loved and then disdained by my students. It is funny how high schoolers are so passionate and so easily swayed by the tiniest of actions. I have come to the realization that my students can absolutely tell when I am being real with them and when I'm not; I forgot how in-tune to that kind of stuff I was when I was in high school, before the games of the world became so ingrained in my behavior and perceptions. I definitely like who my students are shaping me to be. Professionally I have also had many ups and downs, from days when everything goes so much better than planned to days that I thought were going to rock but turned out to be almost the breaking point of my sanity. I was sad to leave for break because I knew I wouldn't get to see my kids again for two weeks. Now I am a little nervous about all of the unknowns that will happen in their lives over break, and how we will all come back together and start working again as a unit. Teaching is a whole new level of leadership...I feel like I have to be able to move/transition with the thoughts of each of my students...beautiful but nearly impossible...!!! Anyway, I love my students and I like teaching and I am excited/curious/terrified (at different times, and sometimes all at the same time) about what the future holds :).

"I'm not much for the show."

I think I just realized why I am diametrically opposed to fancy showy things in a home. I think it is because my mother focused so much on having nice things and appearing to be well off, like it made us better people. She also put a lot of emphasis on appearing to be good when the rest of our family or friends were around. Now I associate nice shows of wealth as trying to get other people to think that you are better than them. I take this disdain too far by not valuing keeping my room straightened up and etc. I like things to be clean because that is healthy and respectful, but keeping things neat feels unneeded and aggravates me. My stepmom asked me to set the table just now, which I happily did. Then she realized that there were a few crumbs on the table cloth and said, "Oh, maybe we should have shook the table cloth off first." I said that it would be fine, and my dad, overhearing the conversation, said that he would take the table cloth outside and shake it. This annoyed me because the table which I had just set was now being unset, and why in the world does it matter at all if there are crumbs on the table cloth. Get real. At least the  obnoxious gold rimmed saucers are not being brought out. Those goddy things make me want to eat off the floor. I understand that shaking off the table cloth is a fine thing to do; it was technically dirty. I suppose it also annoys me because I said it was fine and that decision wasn't good enough. But also, I have seen so many one-uppings in this house that I am overly sensitive to it, creating offenses where there really are none. I do think that today will be a nice day, but I had to get this out before it went any further in me head. Family time shapes me to be a better person by forcing me to overcome the worst in me. Garr, just chill Lara. chee. 

Of course not all of this is to blame on my mother, it is my choice how I respond to the different stimuli in my life. 

I wish we had been able to have EVEN ONE honest conversation of substance, but alas, we don't know each other at all.

Christmas is a miserable time of year. It is such a drag that one person can just muddle the whole dynamic of a group. Why do you punish all of us but not tell us what you are punishing us for. Your passive aggressive efforts to communicate that something is wrong are ridiculous and pathetic and hurtful and annoying and make me feel violent at times. I refuse to ask you what is wrong when you behave this way, because I feel that is only encouraging that behavior by giving you attention. If you are hurt or mad about something then SAY IT. Don't create this maze of anger and darkness that no one can navigate except you. Actually, I stopped carrying to even try to figure out your games years ago. How do I find joy when your presence is so pervasive and in my face. I want to ignore you and pretend like you aren't there (half out of spite and half out of self preservation), like a child covering her eyes and believing the scary thing can't see her because she can't see it. I want to act kind and happy, but I also hate being fake. There has to be a balance somewhere.

I need to get to a place where I don't feel like I am holding back a negative response to everything you say. This probably means I need to not take your rude, disrespectful, and often flat out bitchy remarks personally. It also means that I need to not feel jaded when you make rules that are illogical and/or that are micro-managing things that don't matter. It also means I need to control my anger when you raise your voice at those I care about.

Or maybe you should just change who you are.

But we both know that is never going to happen because you are unwilling to examine yourself critically, ever, even a little. This is probably one of the reasons that you are one of the two most emotionally immature people I have ever met.

I understand that people are the way they are because of the way they interpreted things that happened to them or around them in the past. I don't care. Realize that you chose the wrong/negative/damaging response, that your perceptions are jaded, the world is not against you, and you don't have it worse than anyone else. Build a bridge, get over it, and be f*ing nice.

Comments on my last post

"I will question my beliefs. I will seek out answers...from people on both sides of the fence."

This raises questions in me. Seeking out answers from "one side of the fence" sounds like circular reasoning to me. But what if one side of the fence is absolute truth. Then it is silly to ask anyone in another pasture. I guess this is the quest, to find the right pasture. There can only be one. My experiences have told me I have discovered the true field, or it was revealed to me, but I will continue to address doubts when they arise, without fear of what I am to uncover.

today, on a paper sac, sitting in the coffee shop.

I need to challenge myself -- challenge myself to think, and to preserve those thoughts through writing. What is the point in thinking if you can't remember your thoughts? If these things are important now, they will certainly be important again later. Or, maybe it isn't an issue of time, but of making my thoughts and thus my mind and essence available to others. There is nothing that I want so much as to be known and then accepted.

On Faith
I think there are those, and a few who are close to me, who would say that if you question your faith, then you don't have faith at all, and you are not really saved. Frankly, I disagree. I truly believe that everyone questions the validity, the absolute truth, of their faith. Not just once, but multiple times of life. What I think is bad is when we are too scared to face those questions, and so ignore them, deny them, trivialize them, or "answer" them with sub-par rationalizations. I will question my beliefs. I will seek out answers...from people on both sides of the fence. I will have moments of doubt, and I will not deny that. From these I will grow to have a better understanding of truth...Because that is what we all want... truth...

Why do we all want truth? We want security. We want to know what to expect, and we don't want to be caught off guard.

I love stories. I love people's stories; I love fairytales. I love happy endings and tragic endings, and I love "to be continued"s. I believe in the power of hope. I see the beauty of birth, of sickness, of health, and of death. I find simplicity more appealing than money. I value relationships but I can't sit still long enough to let someone know me. I pretend to hate rules, but really I like to know where the boundaries are so that I can get the thrill of sticking my toes over them, or plow over them head first. I need rules. Ugh, I Hate that I just said that.

Birth - I don't think that bringing another soul into this world is beautiful. I see this life too much as pain and brokenness to warrant putting another through it. Birth is beautiful because of the purity and innocence of a fresh heart.

Sickness - We never feel in such desperate connectedness with our bodies until we are ill. It is when people have cancer or some other intense debilitating experience that they, their minds, and they, their bodies, become one.

Health - It is when we are healthy that we can enjoy life--that we can jump, skip, climb trees, go on walks, hold hands, cuddle, stay up late, get up early, smell the flowers and leaves and rain, enjoy the touch of a breeze, give of ourselves for the sake of another.

Death - Death is the ceasing of the pain of this life. Also, if death is not a surprise, or even if it is, the intensity of emotion and of love felt and expressed is itself beautiful--to feel so much.

truth hurts, sometimes

family

What would I be like if I was loved unconditionally by one person? What if there was someone who I knew was not going to love me less if I made decisions that they didn't agree with? I think that  the type of person who can do that, if they exist, is the type of person that I want to be. I don't want to force myself on people and I don't want to back away from people who see things differently than me. I think that I can learn from people who are unlike me. And probably the reverse is true, too. However, people only learn when they are seeking to learn, not when someone decides to teach.

I feel afraid of stepping out of my boxes because I don't want to lose approval. Why? The fear of losing approval, I suppose, is directly related to the fear of being alone. If I don't have approval then I don't belong with the group, whether it be with other people my age, my co-workers, my family, etc. Why do I fear being alone? I think that when people are alone they have only themselves to focus on, and then they get selfish and miserable and are never satisfied. But then again, people don't ostracize others for being just a little weird or making a few disagreeable decisions. And if you do make enough "bad" decisions for a specific group of people to not want to be around you anymore, then there is sure to be another group of people who do approve of the decisions you make and make similar decisions themselves. So I must be wanting to please a specific group of people. What group do I not want to be shunned from, or at least not lose status in? Is it even wrong to chose a certain life so that I can fit in with these people that I want so much? Many would say yes, some would say no. Either way, I need to be honest with myself about why I chose what I chose, and then decide if I still want to chose it.

Mitakuye Oyasin

I am beginning to feel this way. I like being in communities where I know everyone and everyone knows me. I liked my small high school, I liked my small department at my college, I liked my small church, I like my small community. I like being part of something bigger than myself. I know that if I sit in a room by myself and don't touch the lives of others then my life has been essentially pointless. Likewise, if I only interact on surface level with people then I haven't really touched anyone's life at all. Small settings draw me in because we all rely on each other for something. We share many things...space, friends, hard times,  exciting news, disappointment, time.

We are all related. I believe in the truth of this statement. We are all from the same Creator. I like how being able to connect with people of different walks in life brings me to a new place within myself. Looking into life from someone else's angle sheds light in totally knew ways, revealing what was hidden in the shadows of my perspective. Today at All Corps, we read a letter from a student who graduated from TCHS last year and is now at UPenn. He told us not to feel pressure, that Rosebud is just one of those places that needs a little extra light shed on it, like a lot of other places such as Philly "gheeze." He said that he "truly looks up to" those of us who "go to less bright places trying to make a difference." I want to make a difference, but what does it mean to make a difference? I might be putting a positive moment in these kids' lives, but are there lives put on a better course by the things I say and do? Am I settling for good enough? How much do I care?

Where I'm From

I am from powder,

existing to cover imperfections

freely blown with the wind

slipping through your fingers when too tightly grasped

I am from powder.

I am from silence,

tearing apart relationships through encroaching too much 

creating more than ripples than can be known

sharing truth without pretenses 

I am from silence.

I am from expectations,

conforming to mediocrity

withholding acceptance when the mold is not fit

uncovering truth by escaping boxes I don't fit inside

I am from expectations. 

I am from the middle ground,

winning neither game 

partially living and partially hiding

appearing balanced by the jaded scale

I am from the middle ground. 

I am from my heart,

a place where there is space

and company

I am from my heart.


no excuses

many places

Yesterday I decided that I was going to focus on connecting with my students rather than on trying to make them stay on task and learn. I think connecting with them worked better for both purposes. A student whom I have literally never seen smile smiled a ton, just a big ole consuming grin. It was so real, like he was on the verge of laughing. I saw him in the hall later and he looked the same way. I started to wonder if he was on something, but his eyes seemed genuine and lucid. Maybe something really encouraging and heart warming happened in his life. Maybe a loved one came back. Either way, it REALLY made my day.

I also had my first ever bi-annual evaluation of my teaching. Ms. D. stayed for the whole period but she is only required by government to stay for half an hour. That is 50 minutes longer than required. After class she told me I had improved a ton from the beginning of the year. Gosh let's hope so!!! Anyway, that was nice to hear and I know it is true. I have people like Mindi and Dennis to thank for that. Regardless of the positive feedback, I know that I have a lot of critiquing coming my way. I hope that I can be constructive with it. I want my class to be a fun place to be. Yesterday I heard one girl say she wanted to transfer out and another boy tell her he already tried that. Then I had another girl say in passing that she hopes she is in my algebra one class next semester. Why the difference in opinion?

I did zero work last night and I have done zero work this morning. Why? Because it feels trivial. Why?

I also need to deal with this internal tearing I have between being open-minded and being convicted about my faith. Instead of delving into the problem and reading up on things in the Bible and non-Christian stuff, I have just been ignoring both sides of the issue. That is a gross place to be. Fix it.

NO POST

So sometimes I write things in my blog that I don't want anyone else to read. I type them up and then save them as drafts, titling them "NO POST" so that I don't accidentally go and post them. Reading through my "NO POST"s right now, I have decided that I actually DO want to post this one. It is pretty raw and not something I would generally want to share, thus why I am sharing it. I think it is healthy to be able to share the hard things and the things I might receive guff or pity for. I don't want to hide the struggles in my life. I think it was right for me to write this as a "NO POST" at the time, because I don't know that I could have been honest in the words written had I believed they would ever get posted and so shared with another human being.

-----------------------------

right now i am in conflict about the very things i have based the essence of myself on...my faith and my ability to think for myself. every time someone presents a persuasive argument i am swayed by them. this is funny because my dad says that i am stubborn and wont give up my side without due persuasion. but really, i am weak when it comes to standing my ground. i struggle to see the line between being reasonable and open minded and being fickle and loose of convictions.  right now my faith is being questioned by others. i am surrounded by people who believe something contrary to what i have been taught to believe and what i have chosen to believe. and i have been prepared for this moment, have been warned that it would come. and it is not like it has  never come before. actually i feel like the last time this happened, where i was questioned this intensely about my beliefs, I gave in on them and cast my faith aside because I was convinced out of my beliefs, or maybe i was no longer convinced by them. now another comes along who questions my beliefs and i feel vulnerable about them again. this is where i struggle. i want to be open minded but i don't want to be swayed by the slightest breeze. and i feel like i am being swayed by the slightest breeze. am i wanting to please another fickle soul, or am i seeing a truth being presented? what is this? what happens if my faith isn't true? how will i live, how will i find meaning, how will i be happy? what if my faith is true; will i be able to keep doing what i am doing; will i be able to defend my faith to others in a way that isn't foolishness? so many more questions need to be asked. for tonight i rest in this...that i am confused, but the truth finds a way. well, that is debateable now... but i will continue to search it out. or maybe i am just beginning my search. i may find what i already have; or, i don't like to say this, but... i may not... either way, i am now actively pursuing understanding of the TRUTH about ....TRUTH.