A BAD DAY / A DAY IN THE LIFE

diffuse
Teaching has to be one of the hardest things I have ever done. Today was SO SHITTY. SO SHITTY. I thought that I had this down way better than that. But I didn't. My CMA gave me this look, like, oh how sad you are still SO SHITTY at teaching. You are leading your students to academic death. I feel like I should just quit this job and go into grad school. Maybe I should find some rich man to take care of me. Maybe I should do anything but this... I fail and I fail and I fail. Will it be like this when I go back to my region??? God, please no. I will quit if it is this bad in South Dakota. Can I blame this on the fact that I am teaching writing/reading? I think not, I think yes, I think I don't know how or what to think anymore. Epic failure and that is all.

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refocus
Teaching has to be one of the hardest things I have ever done. Today two students will be receiving a phone call home because they got up to three on the consequence chart. I suppose that my lesson should have been much more interactive. It is Monday; I should have known that students would be tired. To be fair to myself, the higher students really seemed to take alot away from this lesson. POETRY. Specifically, the theme of a poem. Mending Walls by Robert Frost and The Poison Tree by William Blake. Excellent poems, I think I did a good job with the think aloud portion. Hmm, but my CMA has said that sometimes I sound unsure of how to communicate the material, and my lesson plans are supposed to help fix that. I didn't follow my LP very well because I thought that I needed to adopt to where the class was readiness-wise. However, I think that maybe I should have let them break up into groups and fly on their own a bit. Kaedeen seems to be behaving now with Mr. Esch, and he was hell in a hand basket for me. (PS that is a metaphor :P ) I know also that I should have been more focused on the BMC. That woulda helped...ALOT. I have a meeting with my CMA tonight. It is going to be rough. But today was a BAD DAY, not a usual day. Granted, days like today SHOULD NOT HAPPEN. But good teachers are made not born, and I KNOW that I can be a great teacher. Not just good. Great. Every day I learn something new. And today, today I learned that behavior management can be more important that content.

Nobody's Business, if even my own

have you ever felt like there is a part of yourself that is aching to be satisfied, but isn't and VERY sadly cannot be, not now, if ever (it feels like)? it is not a bad part of yourself...it is good in the right circumstances. but your desire to be satisfied in the reveling or acting on this part of yourself is so strong, that it consumes you and agonizes you. i feel to deny this part of myself for much longer is intolerable. what do i desire more, to embrace this part of me or to abide by the law of God. to obey the law of God. then i will hold onto this part of myself for as long as i can, although it kills me to hide it, to repress it. i feel that to hold on to it much longer is to ruin me, and so i will hold onto it until i can no more, and then i will kill this part of myself and be cold-hearted to that aspect of me, even tho i am better with it and worse off without it, but such is life. the refining fire burns hot and sometimes we must die to ourselves to live in Christ. so be it, but it does feel like death, and DENIABLY somewhat of a pity




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This brings to mind my post from February 13th... i refuse to knowingly allow myself to be vulnerable to the enemy's temptations by permitting my dissatisfaction to overcome me. Thus, how can i turn this situtation, this STRUGGLE, over to my God, who is capable of healing all my pains and making me completely fulfilled? I will turn this over to Him, and ask Him to take this part of me which He created (but which I may have nurtured too much or in the wrong way) and help me channel it how He wills. This should be EXCITING! PLEASE LORD PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! but i thrust You, NO MATTER WHAT <3

Upon wondering what "Hosanna" means...If I'm gonna be singing worship I'm gonna be knowing what I am saying...

In traditional Aramaic or Hebrew it means "help" or "save, I pray" and is specifically addressing a divine being, ie the God of the universe.

In Christianity it is both a cry for salvation and a declaration of praise.

SO COOL!

Thanks Wikipedia :D ... just the beginning of my looking into the word Hosanna, next check my Lexical Aid/Concordance Bible. (I don't know which one is what I need, don't know what they are called, do know how to use em.)

The good Lord giveth and the good Lord taketh away, and I choose to be thankful to Him in all things! Allowing myself to feel unsatisfied opens up opportunities for Satan to get at me, and, uh, no thanks...

Why do I concern myself so much with what other people think about me? Concerning men, I want to love a man for who he is, not who he tries to be so that I will like him. Similarly, I want a man to love me for who I am. I do not want to have to try to be perfect to win and keep his affections. I think my major issue is that I put far too much value on how my peers view me, and totally neglect how my God sees me. I am constantly striving for physical perfection, while knowing it is unattainable, thus making myself miserable in this attempt to store up my treasures here on earth verses where they will last forever. I am constantly being barrauded by feelings of guilt when I eat. I am tired of listening to the accuser. I choose to listen to my Savior, the one who loves me so much that He gave His life and freed me forever from all condemnation. God, if I eat this bowl of chili, and I have it with cheese and crackers, will you still love me? YES! Will my worth go down in your eyes? NO WAY! I LOVE YOU LORD!

insight to my needs

There is a difference between knowing you are loved and feeling cherished. I want both.

On Marriage and Family Life

1. What to me defines success as a wife? As a mother? As a provider?
2. What are my unspoken rules and expectations?
3. What are things I want to have in common with my husband? (i.e. What activities do I want to be able to share with him?)
4. What roles do I expect to play in my marriage? What roles do I expect to definitely not have to play?
5. What do I expect to gain from marriage?
6. What might I have to sacrifice in order to gain what I want to gain from marriage, and am I willing to make those sacrifices?
   
7. How important is “meaningful touch” to me? Am I a high contact person or a low contact person?