have you ever felt like there is a part of yourself that is aching to be satisfied, but isn't and VERY sadly cannot be, not now, if ever (it feels like)? it is not a bad part of yourself...it is good in the right circumstances. but your desire to be satisfied in the reveling or acting on this part of yourself is so strong, that it consumes you and agonizes you. i feel to deny this part of myself for much longer is intolerable. what do i desire more, to embrace this part of me or to abide by the law of God. to obey the law of God. then i will hold onto this part of myself for as long as i can, although it kills me to hide it, to repress it. i feel that to hold on to it much longer is to ruin me, and so i will hold onto it until i can no more, and then i will kill this part of myself and be cold-hearted to that aspect of me, even tho i am better with it and worse off without it, but such is life. the refining fire burns hot and sometimes we must die to ourselves to live in Christ. so be it, but it does feel like death, and DENIABLY somewhat of a pity
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This brings to mind my post from February 13th... i refuse to knowingly allow myself to be vulnerable to the enemy's temptations by permitting my dissatisfaction to overcome me. Thus, how can i turn this situtation, this STRUGGLE, over to my God, who is capable of healing all my pains and making me completely fulfilled? I will turn this over to Him, and ask Him to take this part of me which He created (but which I may have nurtured too much or in the wrong way) and help me channel it how He wills. This should be EXCITING! PLEASE LORD PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! but i thrust You, NO MATTER WHAT <3
