You may notice that I have "unpublished" a few posts

I have decided I am only going to be posting positive things for a while. Life is getting its light back. And I don't want to focus on the negative. And I don't want to whine.

My Dad, a hardworking man, who will leave a legacy of respect and love

Dad, because you are good at this, I always undoubtedly know that I AM LOVED by you. I want a man who cherishes his time with me like you do. Thank you for showing me how to love others and  for helping me believe that I deserve to be loved and cherished, and for giving me the experience know without a doubt what that feels like when it's for real.

Questions from TFA

Your Childhood and Youth

What’s an activity you spent hours doing as a child? What were your favorite subjects?

I played house... a lot. I was always the dad though! Weird. 


Who were your childhood heroes? 

My dad was my hero. So was my Uncle Todd, even before he died. I used to name all of my teddy bears Mark and Todd :P.


What did you want to be when you grew up and why?

I wanted to be an astronaut because the movie "Apollo 13" made it seem so special. I knew that I didn't want to be a veterinarian or a teacher. It wasn't even because everyone else wanted to be those things, it was just because they seemed like boring jobs to me. I remember thinking about that on the playground at Saint Elizabeth Seton Elementary School. I eventually gave up on my dream of being an astronaut because my little sister would cry and be super upset/scared every time I talked about it. (This was in, like, middle school...lol).


What undergraduate classes interested you most and came naturally to you? 

I loved biology, and it came pretty easily to me. I majored in applied and computational mathematics. Of those core courses, I really loved complex analysis because it was so intuitive, but yet abstract. That class made it fun to think. I also loved my philosophy classes and literature classes, even though they were stupidly easy (humanity classes at a technical school...not exactly challenging). It was a nice brain break to think about humanity. 


What undergraduate classes (if any) were not naturally interesting to you and did not come easily?

Sadly, my art history class was pretty uninteresting to me. I think that is just because I was overwhelmed with my other classes. Or, maybe it was because it was a lot of memorizing dates and locations, and less about historical context. 


Your Corps Experience

What drew you to join the corps? 

Well, I just finished my time in the TFA corps, and so now it is easier to say what good happened while I was in the corps rather than why I joined, but I joined because I wanted to do something that had meaning and affected the lives of others for the better in a real way. 


What part of the corps experience inspired you?

Ummmm, the teaching part. Duh!!! My students are the shit and I have learned so much from them. 


Which parts of your Teach For America experience made you feel alive when you were in the classroom?

Okay, these are confusing questions. "Teach For America experience"? Wha? Getting to know my students made me feel alive in the classroom. Before I took the time to get to know them I kinda dreaded going to school in the mornings, and couldn't wait to go home at the end of the day. Now I wake up happy each morning, love staying after school, and am currently teaching summer school.


Which parts of your corps experience (if any) were you less excited about carrying out while you were in the classroom or were not your strengths?



What have you learned from your corps experience which might inform your choice of leadership path and career?


Your Interests and Passions

What kinds of books and magazines do you gravitate toward when you are browsing in the bookstore? 

What social or political issues are you passionate about?

What would your friends and relatives say are your greatest strengths (if you’re not sure, ask them)? 

What are some things you wish you could do more often? Might they relate to future careers?

If you won the lottery, what would you do (after your initial celebration)?

If you could trade places with anyone in the world for a day, who would it be and why?

Your Natural Inclinations and Growth Areas

What you are doing when you feel the most alive and like yourself? 

What kinds of work give you energy and are so interesting to you that you can become engrossed in it for hours on end?

When you have held a job or done an activity that was not a “fit”, how did you realize this did not fit you? 

Which career would you avoid at all costs? Why?

What aspects of your work style could you improve upon? 

What kinds of jobs or professional development opportunities might challenge you to grow in this way?


Your Ideal Work Environment

How do you do your best work? 

What kind of environment is conducive to your success?

Based on past experience, which kinds of cultures and organizations are the best fit for you?

Is there an element you have been missing in previous jobs that you’d like to find in the next position that you hold? If so, what is it and why do you think that matters to you?


Your Big Wins and Best Memories

Think about the last time you were really excited about life and what you were doing and how you felt. What made this moment so exciting? Are there careers that could help you experience this excitement more often?


Think of a “defining moment” in your life, a turning point that shaped who you are, or a decision that you made that shaped who you are today. How did it affect you? Did it tell you anything about possible leadership paths for you?

What have been your greatest accomplishments? What key skills did you leverage to achieve your goals? 

What has been the most gratifying thing you have ever done? What do you think made that gratifying?


Thinking Boldly About Your Next Steps

What is the greatest joy in your life?

What would your ideal job description be? As you answer this, don’t worry about whether the job exists – you can create it.

What are your greatest professional curiosities?

What are big ideas or dreams that you’ve never shared with anyone?

What jobs would you pursue if you had three lifetimes to pursue them and financial obligations or the opinions of others didn’t matter? Why?

What leadership path would you pursue if you knew you could not fail? What draws you to this path? 

How could you uniquely contribute to your community, country, or the world? 

Picking a Path: Questions I ask Myself

This site gives me direction.

Truth is, I don't want to wander aimlessly through life. Sure, I want to have tons of adventures and be spontaneous, but is there a certain place in life that I would like to be when I am 30, 40, 50, 60, 80? Do I want kids? What kind of life do I want to provide for them?

What lifestyle do I want?

In what way do I want to make an impact? Policy changes? creating awareness? changes in the lives of individuals with whom I work closely? what is more important to me, great changes in the lives of few, or smaller but more widespread changes in the lives of many?

What do you want for my community?

What do I want to be able to contribute to my community? What do I want from my community?

A ROUUUUGH DRAFT:

When I am 30 I want

to have my undergraduate loans paid off

to be running 3 miles at least 3 times a week

to have a masters degree

to have 2 or 3 stamps on my passport

to have a garden and can my own vegetables

to mentor/befriend younger women or girls through an organization

to have a job that has good benefits and hours

to have a dog that I have trained well

to have a nest egg of 15 or 20 grand

to have a group of girlfriends I spend time with on a weekly basis

When I am 40 I want

to have a best friend and life partner

to have (already) at least 1 child

to attend all my kid's functions

to still have my own functions to attend

to have a nest egg of 50 grand

to be an active participant in community meetings

When I am 50 I want

to have my graduate loans paid off

to still be hiking and biking

to organize community activities

When I am 60 I want

to have a house in the hills

to brew my own beer

to have a dog, and not a tiny one either

When I am 70 I want 

to be retired and volunteering

to still be kind

to have lots of good stories

to still ride my bike or go on walks or swim

to have a tree that I planted years ago be really big

Hilarious
"To age with someone is to bond with them. It's cool."

Today's To-Do List

Check to see if I can make divisions in my savings account for things like "emergency fund," "Christmas fund," and "car fund."
Make Diagnostic Exams for Pre-Alg and Alg 1
Write a reflection of what I have learned over the summer and how that has led to who I now envision my students to be after they have taken my class.
Use my reflection to create a list of behaviors I identify as evidence that my students have become the students that I expect them to be, and also identify behaviors that lead to those behaviors so that I can reward them.
Set up my classroom a little more.
Call Dad.
Call Brooke.
Call Bekah.

Go to Sundance?

I know all of this isn't possible in one day. I'll just rollover the stuff I don't get done today into tomorrow's to-do list :).

A change in my approach to life?

My entire adult life I have lived by this credo:

"I want to blow with the wind--no chains, no destination, just a journey."

Now I need to decide what I want to do next year.

Teach in TC?
Teach elsewhere?
Get my graduate degree?
     in sustainable communities?
     in teaching?
     in design?
     in environmental engineering?
     in some sort of conservation program?
     in forestry?
Peace Corps
Take a "year off" and work as a forest ranger?
Somehow work with teenage girls?


I like the last one. Mayyyybeeee I can do the first one and the last one. Or the second one and the last one. Or the third one and the last one. Or the second to last one and the last one :). Maybe I could get a graduate degree in something focusing on the development of girls/what their needs are/how to help them develop a healthy self-image. Interesting.

I kind of want a 5 year plan.
And a 10 year plan.
I think I do...Maybe I'll start with a 5 year plan. I know I want that. I'm not ready for a 10 year plan yet!

What's It To You?

This is what love is to me.

Two people building a life together--
Inspiring each other to do things they wouldn't have the courage or desire to do on their own;
Helping each other to create adventure when things have become routine
and also to
Avoid disastrous decisions when possible.
Two minds and two hearts are better than one;
to share memories and passion increases the intensity of both.

Love is the jump;
Life is the fall.
Hesitate before you leave the edge.
Dance on the edge of the cliff and enjoy.cherish.realize.
The full anticipation and fear.

Then.

Jump.
Don't close your eyes.

This is the fun part.




-----------------------
When you fuck up, I'll accept you anyway.
If you ever feel inadequate, I'll show you truth.
When you do something good, I'll notice and be proud.
When you do something well, I'll notice and be proud of that, too.
When I make decisions, I will think about how it affects you and your happiness, not just my own.
Everyday, I choose this, because I love you.

Today in my journal

Post or no post. I just don't care. TIRED. NOT ENOUGH PROGRESS.

So tired. So crabby. Why is nothing I said ever retained with these children? My head is foggy, my heart hurts. I want to see success. FUUUUUCK.
I want a doggy and a best human friend. I want a lover who looooooves me. I think that you can't love someone unless you take the risk to decide to love them. Then, after you have made the choice to love them, you truly begin to love them through consistently making the choice to love them and behave in such a way that reflects your decision. Consistency is such a big deal.

Summer School and Life

Today is the last day of summer school. I have had 5 students earn passing grades, and one of my own students come in and worked her way up from a middle of the road D to a high C. There are two more that I hope work their butts off today and pass my class by getting a D or better on the final. I could have allowed them to pass a couple of days ago, but I want them to be as prepared as possible for geometry. I know Ms. Linster stresses the fact that understanding graphs and linear equations and tables and the connections between them is essential, so I refuse to let anyone pass algebra who is not at least proficient in that area. They also need to be able to follow the order of operations to simplify numerical expressions, combine like terms in order to simplify algebraic expressions, and they need to know how to distribute, multiply polynomials, and factor simple trinomials. Obviously, I can't pass a student out of algebra if they can't solve one and two step equations.

I have been doing much introspection these past few weeks concerning my teaching practices and mindsets. I am going to have to give my heart to my students this summer in order to prepare myself for the coming year. I need to be able to reach every kid where they are--high or low. Haylee is blossoming in summer school. She wants to learn and is very smart. She is such a social butterfly that it prevents her from doing well in school. How can I help kids like Haylee?

How can I help kids like:
Haylee-- too interested in being social but actually very intelligent, also doesn't want the reputation of being smart
Ryan--doesn't believe in himself and so won't even try, sleeps
John--thinks everything is too easy for him so he won't try, even tho he doesn't know how to do the material
Tyler--needs to experience the material in many different ways in order to make lasting connections and understandings in his head
Billy--very smart but needs an exceptionally long time to finish even one problem. slow with writing and need to be spoken slowly too

After and Before
There is a barbecue get together after school today at the Baca's, and I cannot wait! I am excited to shoot the breeze with my coworkers and hang out in a less professional atmosphere. Hopefully Dennis will join me. I am super pumped about my vacation with him. It feels like my first grown up vaca. I have gone on other long vacations with friends, but I have never flown there (since I left the nest) and they have always been a spur of the moment "lets drive to California/Minnesota/Montana" type of thing. This is planned out, and for the specific purpose of spending quality time together doing things that we both love. Before it was always about getting to do things I and the other person wanted to do, but it wasn't really about getting to do it together. Just about getting to do it. His company is so pleasant...He calls me out on my shit. Like the other day I asked him a question that I already knew the answer to, and he showed me that I was being manipulative by doing that. He makes me a better person in so many ways. I like his outlook on life, I like how his dog reflects the best of him, I like his new country home, I like that he calls me pumpkin, I like that he laughs at my jokes even when they aren't that funny, I like that he loves coffee as much as I do, I like that he reads for fun, I like that he makes me breakfast, I like that he likes camping, I like how often he tells me he likes me, I like the crazy things he makes me want to do, I like cuddling with him, I like cooking fancy food with him, and I like reading with him. I like his eyes. They are beautiful and sweet and funny and they talk to me.

Luuuuuv

You know what? What is love? When I was with Kelsey I thought I loved him, because I cared deeply about him and was 100% devoted and loyal. Then again, I treated him like shit and he did likewise to me. Is that love, or codependency? I needed him to feel okay, and he needed to bring me down in order for himself to feel okay. I don't think that is love. I don't know what it is, but it is not that. When I was with Keegan, I thought I loved him, because I wanted to spend all my time with him and share my thoughts with him and cared about his emotional and physical well-being.  Then again, I was never the giver in our relationship, I was always in it for what I could get. Sure, I spent many hours making sweet gifts for him, but would I ever make sacrifices for him or change my plans for him--would I ever put his needs before mine? Rarely. When I was (not) with Seth, I thought that I loved him (I think I thought I did...) because I so intensely wanted to spend time with him and his family or even just his family without him, and I wanted get his insight on everything, I respected him so much. However, I think what I felt for Seth was this deep need to get acceptance and affection from someone so Good. I probably would have done about anything for him and made tons of sacrifices without feeling resentful, but it was all a game to me. I forced myself to have feelings for him because he was so Good, but really I was not compelled to be mates with him. We didn't have the same sense of humor, I liked to smoke hookah and have a beer with dinner and he would never touch the stuff, I wasn't a virgin and he had never even held hands or kissed a girl. I think my love for Seth was less romantic and more friendly. I think for the first time ever that I am willing to admit that what I had with Kelsey wasn't love. I believe that loving someone is a choice, a conscience decision... Not something that you fall into. The love you fall into is shallow and temporary and not even real because both people are in love with an idea, not a person. To me, right now in this moment, love is a choice to be loyal and devoted to someone, but also a choice to respect them and treat them with kindness, and to give grace when you feel that they don't measure up to your expectations of them. All of these things seem like they should be how you treat everyone everyday, but I think that when you have romantic feelings for someone and you spend a lot of time with them, then the infatuation--the lie--wears off and you are left with the real deal. It is then that you know whether or not you want to chose to love. These things (loyalty, devotion, respect, kindness, grace) are easier to give to people like close friends, who don't have as much emotional pull in your life. I think one key to good relationships is understanding that the other person is human. They will not always put you first, they won't be attracted to you every second of every day, and they have needs that they want you to meet too. If one can appreciate another for who they are in all of their humanness, without any of the false perfections we tend to project on our significant others, then I believe that their is a potential for true deep companionship and love. The rest is pointless, unless you just want to have fun and are willing to have your heart broken (which isn't really bad, we are all allowed to decided what is best for ourselves), you are willing to break someone else's heart (selfish *angryface*), or you are willing to be in an emotionally distant (and thus fake) relationship (again, we decide what is best for ourselves...but this one might hurt the other person too). Peace out. Luuuuuuv :)

Happy Sigh

Today in class was soooooooo much better than yesterday. Second block, the block that I LOVE, was a disaster yesterday. Today, I laid down the expectations for the day at the beginning of class, and it went well. Kids raised their hands, shushed each other, and asked lots of questions, by raising their hands!!!!!! It was order and not chaos. Lovely. Just LOVELY. :)))))))))))

Ex-NO POST (showed him, so no point in not posting :P )

Today is a rough day (:/) for me emotionally. I think that my early morning emotional state has had a spiral effect on my attitude. My bf/MTLD (but not at the same time... when bf, only bf. when MTLD, only MTLD...or at least I try to separate them in my head :/) observed me today and I have decided that I really dislike that he evaluates me on a personal and professional level. It is so rough. I am not super woman. I am not always going to be sweet and I am not always going to be on my game in the classroom. I want to always be sweet; who doesn't want to be forever intentionally kind and thoughtful? I want to always play my A-game in the classroom; I want my students to have the opportunity to do anything they want to do and every move I make is a move towards or away from the goal. How do I not let the fact that his job is to critique and help improve (thus, find flaws) in my teaching affect my emotional well-being?

Dad, you aren't gonna want to read this :'(

What are the things that matter to me? Do I espouse ideas for which I have no firm conviction? Am I lazy?

Why don't you tell me. I don't want to think about it.

I profess love for a god who hates homosexuality, who condemns those who can't recognize him as The God to hell. How logical is that? Being a person who has been introduced to Jesus, I am honestly in a place where I can see how someone might not believe. Sure, there are high emotional moments that may seem as though God is communicating with me, but those are fleeting, and I think that they are created by my perceptions of reality. Ugh, I want to write clearly. I feel like the wondrous emotional moments I have when I am worshipping God might not be coming from a close connection with God, but rather from the idea that I have (at the time I am worshipping) that God is near me. I don't want to believe in a god that condemns good, moral people to hell. I don't want to believe in a god that condemns very devout Muslims and Buddhists and Jews and other people who have devoted their life to faith/spirituality. I know gay and lesbian and bisexual individuals who are giving much more back to society and in general are more kind and thoughtful and generous people than many fundamentalist Christians I know.

I feel like if I am going to doubt the fundamentalist beliefs that homosexuality is wrong and that non-Christians who live good lives are condemned to eternal damnation, then I have to doubt everything about the Christian faith and its scripture. If the Bible really is the inspired Word of God, then everything in it should be absolutely completely accurate. In that case, what the Bible deems to be good/bad would trump my inner convictions based on the experiences I have had. However, if the Bible is in anyway inaccurate, inconsistent, or contradictory, then it cannot be a divine book.

I don't think homosexuality is wrong. I think sexuality is a spectrum and no one is completely straight or gay. I guess this means that I think gender is probably separate from sexuality.

I am not okay with condemning people who are different from me, and I never will be. I can't say what you do is wrong unless it hurts others, in the present or in the future. That's it.

(PLEASE) Love me anyway...

Sorting this out

I feel like I want to run away from everyone and everything. Like I need to reassert my individuality, my center in myself. When I start to care too much what another person thinks about me I lose the parts of me that I love. I think that wanting to please people is a trait that is very deeply ingrained in me, but it doesn't have to be that way. All habits can be broken. I am the only person who determines who I am, and I determine that I am not a soul that changes depending upon the (perceived) whims of others. The funny thing is that the people I am tempted to change for probably don't even want me to change. Is that irony?? ...I'll ask Mary :)...

I suppose the real question  to ask myself is why I feel the desire to please people. I think that bringing light to others' lives is the most that anyone could ever give, but not at the cost of losing oneself. That would mean the loss of authenticity, and without authenticity you can only keep up shining for so long before you burn out.

I feel better now. I don't need to run away, I need to accept myself and my needs and not feel like I have to deceive people to believe that I am more perfect than I am. Far from perfect. Not proud, but still pleased with life. And holding to the promise that with effort I can make other people's moments better without losing my strong sense of self.

I don't need anyone. But I like people. And I want them, so long as I am allowed to be me. Emotional, dorky, loud and quiet (depending on the day), sad and happy, mad and forgiving. My emotions are valid and I don't reject them, although I will continue to critique them from a logical perspective so that I am not blown by the slightest breeze.
--------------------------------------
I SAID THIS IN THE SECOND PARAGRAPH:
"I suppose the real question  to ask myself is why I feel the desire to please people. I think that bringing light to others' lives is the most that anyone could ever give...."

WELL, another reason I want to please people is probably because I want to be accepted by them. I don't like it when people don't like me, and especially when I really like them, I want to be liked back. I need to be true to myself and accept that some people will not like me even if I like them. That is life and it's okay.

This Morning's Perspective < 3

I don't want to make plans for my future. I want to live life by seizing opportunities when they come my way, and appreciate what I have rather than chasing after perfection. I will work hard at whatever it is I am doing, and I will always give people my all. I have so many dreams. Whatever life I live, it is going to be a blast, because I will be the one living it. My choice!

A Project

I have been moved for several weeks now to have a theme for my next few entries. I feel a strong desire to do an article on each of my family members. I am not quite sure how each one will shape up, but I want to process what each of them means to me as individual people, rather than as a unit. I want to know the people I love very well, and I want them to feel that I understand them. I think that sometimes I believe I "know" a person because I have been around them a lot, but I want to acknowledge to myself and to the world what they as individual people have contributed to my life and/or special qualities that they have. I'm pumped, but nervous. I don't want to come up short of things to say on this topic.

My TFA Speech before Jim helped me to revise it...(This speech was never spoken :P )

Hi, my name is Lara H and I am from here in Rapid City. I graduated from Rapid City Christian High School and then attended college at South Dakota School of Mines and Technology. I love South Dakota. My family is here. My future is here. I love the land, and I love the people. For a short period of my life, from when I was eight until I was 14, I lived in the Bay Area of California, and that time gave me a great appreciation for the way that people here have time for and are interested in each other’s lives. However, as I grew older, I began to notice some things that made me ask questions. Why, when I was riding the bike path, were there often older, native men sleeping under the bridges? Why did I hear people making racist jokes about Natives Americans? Why did people that I respected talk about Native Americans in a mostly depreciating way? What was it about this group that caused them to be so different?

As I sought out these answers I realized that I couldn’t judge a whole group of people based on the few that I had encountered. In fact, I didn’t really notice a native person unless they were doing something that I found to be out of “the norm.” During college, as my awareness of native issues increased, I began to realize that there truly was a disparity between my quality of life and the quality of life of many Native American people. I didn’t take any classes that were informative of Native American issues, but I did live in a part of town with a high density of Native American residents. The struggles that many of my neighboring families faced daily was evident and disturbing. Although I never wanted for anything when I was under my parents roof, during college I realized from first hand experience how having little money can be a cyclic issue, even if you are careful with your spending. Thankfully I knew that I would soon be getting my degree and moving beyond minimum wage jobs. That is when I realized that one extremely significant difference between me and my neighbors was that I was soon going to be educated, thus allowing me to move out of the neighborhood and have a job that could more than pay for my bills.

When I realized this, my heart went out to the native people that I had seen living hard lives. I knew that I wanted to change things, to just make it all better, but that is not how life works. By chance, or by fate, the chair of the mathematics department at SDSM&T mentioned Teach For America to me during the September of my senior year. After looking at their website, I realized that I didn’t have to be alone in my efforts to provide a means to increased quality of life for these people that I didn’t know, but had come to have compassion, not pity, for. After joining Teach For America and moving out to Mission, on the Rosebud Sioux Indian Reservation, I came to know these people, the Sicangu Lakota, on a deeper level. My student’s families have invited me to their participate in their sacred traditions such as inipis, they have taken me horse back riding, and they have fed me dinner.

Being in the classroom as a teacher was at first a new experience for me. I was a teaching assistant for college algebra while I was at the School of Mines, but teaching college students and teaching freshmen in high school are two different things completely! For the first time in my life I was enforcing rules rather than following them, and I was solely responsible for the development of the bright young minds in my room. It was challenging to figure out when misbehaviors were due to a child feeling overwhelmed or underwhelmed by the rigor of the material, if they just had a ton of energy, or if they had had a rough time the night before. My classroom first semester had many different skill levels, from children who could scarcely subtract to children who could already combine like terms. Attendance was also a big struggle. At any given time about 1/3 of my class might be missing, and thus very bright kids were not learning the material because they were not in the classroom.

These struggles were a bit overwhelming at first, but after talking to my administrators, the special education department, and other Teach For America alums, I was able to work out a system that works for both my students and for me. To manage behavior, I made my expectations of classroom behavior very clear in my own mind and to my students. This allowed me to be consistent when dolling out discipline and allowed them to feel consequences were just and expected. To deal with the various ability levels, I began having upper level students work with medium level students and medium level students help lower level students. Also, everyday I have an extension activity for students who finish their assignments early and want to do more. To help prevent chronically absent students from falling too far behind, I used some advice from TFA alums who also work at my school and created a system that makes it simple for students to find the work they missed. At first I was bitter about the “extra” work that my chronically absent students created for me, but I soon realized that the things my kids face are so much greater and harder than the things I faced in high school. I now have compassion for them and am impressed by their desire to work hard and catch up when they return from school. Everyday I have 2-3 students stay until 5:30 to either practice their algebra or calculus, or to catch up on work they have missed. In fact, just realizing that my students were excited to show me how much they could do was revolutionary for me. I realized that if I bring my excitement and passion for math into the classroom, then my students can’t help but join in the joy with me.

I have one student in particular who stands out to me. He came into my pre-algebra class first semester as a sweet and innocent freshman. He worked hard and sought out my praise. He often asked for extra work to do and even paid attention to what my favorite songs were, and would request them to be played during quiet work time. One day something changed. William pushed his desk to the back of the room and refused to work. When I walked back to check on him, I saw the gang symbols he had drawn all over his desk and notebook. School procedure is to send a student to the office after signs of gang affiliation, and so I did. For the rest of the semester after he returned to the classroom, William disrupted class by talking across the room to another game member and by laughing loudly with him at secret signs they made to each other. He also refused to do his work in class. He kept his grade up and passed with an A by coming in after school to do work, but it was still devastating to see a bright young man start down such a negative path.

This semester I have William again for Algebra 1 instead of pre-algebra, and I knew I would have to do something different. William lives with his aunt, and she and I now talk every week. She is very invested in William’s academic success, and is heart broken and furious about the gang situation. Now that I am in close contact with his auntie, William is once again motivated to do well in school. Just yesterday I overheard him bragging to other students because I had scolded him for getting a B in my class. He told them, “She got mad at me for getting a b because she thinks I can do better.”

Working on the reservation with my 98% native student population has been one of the biggest blessings in my life, and I know that it is making a difference in my students lives as well. A mother of one of my students cried during parent teacher conferences when she told me that her son came home and said to her, “Mom, I think I can do this.”

My First TFA Speech, May 24, 2012

Hi. My name is Lara H, I am from here in Rapid City, I graduated from South Dakota School of Mines and Technology, and I am 2011 Teach For America corps member. Growing up here in rapid I saw some strong inequities between Native American people and myself. While riding the bike path I often saw older native men sleeping under bridges, and I heard many racist jokes. This greatly disturbed me and I knew that I wanted to change things. I saw education as a means to create more opportunities as a solution.

When I first moved to Mission there were definitely some initial challenges! I saw many misbehaviors in my classroom that I soon learned could be attributed to my significant lack of confidence on the part of my students in their ability to do math. My classroom also had a variety of ability levels, from kids who could scarcely subtract to kids who were essentially ready to move on to the next grade. Attendance was another huge issue. At any given time about 1/3 of my class might be missing.

A specific student that I struggled with is William. When William first came to my class he was a lovely child who always wanted to work hard and please his elders. He is a boy just a little taller than me, with the sides of his head shaved and a long braid down the middle. He does horseback archery with his uncle, who is a security guard at the school. He is a fairly traditional young man. However, after the first few weeks of school, William changed. He began being disruptive in class and refused to do his work. A few days later I found out the explanation for these sudden changes. William had joined a gang.  

I realized that in order to overcome these challenges that I needed to set ambitious goals, not only for William, but for all my students. For my class I set a goal of 80% mastery for our class average at the end of the year, which is great level mastery. This is important for my students because for them it is the difference between life and death, prison and college, poverty and enough. For William, his auntie and I together decided that our goals for him were that he would have an A at any given time in my class, and that he would behave as a role model for other students.

Because these goals were so ambitious, I knew that I would have to increase my own investment and effort for the success of my students. I began differentiating my lessons in order to meet their varying levels of ability. I now stay after school every day in order to provide extra instructional time. And, in order to get kids to stay after school, I had to begin calling home to get parent’s permission. Soon enough families were inviting me to partake of their sacred inipis, go horseback riding, and join them for dinner. Becoming part of the community had a positive effect on my relationship with my students. They began to realize that I really am invested in them and this paid off in the classroom.

This year has been phenomenally rewarding and challenging. William now does his classwork and not only isn’t disruptive, but also keeps other kids in line. He doesn’t have an A yet, but I know he is invested because I handed out grade sheets yesterday and scolded him for getting a B. A few minutes later I overheard him telling his friends, “She got mad at me for getting a B because she thinks I can do better.” In class overall, I have seen my attendance rate increase and misbehaviors are significantly down. My kids no longer dread math class but are excitedly answering and asking questions. Our class average is currently only at 65%, but I have seen many individual students make years of growth, and I believe that we can still achieve our goal of 80% mastery by May.

Working on the reservation with my 98% native student population has been one of the biggest challenges and blessings of my life, and I know that it is making a difference in my students lives as well. A mother of one of my students cried during parent teacher conferences when she told me that her son came home and said to her, “Mom, I think I can do this.”

A letter from my sister back in hs, which she signed ~(heart) Rehohe

Beautiful Beloved~
You are so beautiful. I wish we could talk more, bt our schedules don't seem to allow it. I thought perhaps we could write letters. Plus, I'm bored right now, so I thought I would write to you...how does a love letter sound? I think that's the way we'll go then. Ehem (throat clearing)...

Roses are red

Violets are blue

Sugar is sweet

Unlike you

Haha...just kidding

My World

In my world there is but one heart,

I often think it's the most beautiful part.

Then I step back and observe for a while

Only to find I'm entranced in the smile.

With two piercing blue eyes that light up my sky

They lift me so high I feel I cold fly. Though it is small, less than six feet tall

My world will be there to break my fall.

With rosy red lips, so thin and slender,

The words that I hear sound ever so tender. 

Observe, if you will, cheeks pink as a flower

In April or May after a springtime shower.

We all need a world to keep as our own,

I got lucky, mine was raised in my home.

But now she is gone and no longer sleeps at my side,

In her I find refuge, in her I take pride.

My world is not place,

Nor is it an object in space.

My beautiful sister, with arms so strong,

With you as my world I cannot go wrong.

The End

...

I'm sitting here in class while my students take a test...I should be up walking around instead of blogging, but today, right now, I need this. I am feeling overwhelmed by the smallest of things. What is my deal? I am nervous that my students are going to fail this test. I thought that they were so well prepared, but now I'm not so sure. I don't like grading papers, and right now I can't imagine a job where I feel fulfilled. I want to do well so badly, to give these young people what they need to succeed, but I don't know how to help those who need help the most.

Also. I am happier being single now than I have ever been, and I don't consider myself a person who needs male companionship. However, I also am more comfortable now than I have ever been with the idea of loving someone. The idea feels more like an intimate trusting friendship, rather than a game.

Joy beyond compare, my eyes feel bright and my heart feels light, thank you Lord for revealing choice

Today is a day to be thankful. Today is a day to make others smile. Today is a day that will never come again, so I will love with all my loving capacity, I will laugh at what I can't control, and I will be myself no matter who is watching. Every little thing has a story, a reason it is the way it is. I can appreciate those stories and embrace the joy and the sadness or simply the existence of them. Every day, every moment is what I make of it. Being able to love is the best gift ever. I can love and I choose to love.

Happy Valentines Day!!!

For a single girl on Valentines Day, I would say that I am miraculously happy! I have seen so many mopey faces, but today is a day to smile! I celebrate my friendships, my affections for everyone, my love for my family, my love for my Savior <3. There is so much love in the world, despite the large amount of hate and pain. Today I acknowledge the love. Thank you, Lord, for the good things.

I am happy to be patient for God's timing in my life. Hoo-Rah!

Sisters

I met with my sister the other day in Murdo. We had dinner together and it was SO WONDERFUL to be in her presence and talk with her and hear her thoughts and see passion cross her face as she spoke. It would be amazing if I could see her everyday and sit down and talk with her. The business of today distracts us from the important things. Even if I did live in the same town as her, would we make the time to spend time sharing our thoughts and understanding each other? I must make these things a priority, no matter what.

Positives

I am calling my kids by the first letter of their name today bc for some reason it feels more appropriate at this moment.

J is a student who never wants to do any work and who is consistently disrespectful and mouthy. Or at least he was, last semester. This semester he has been somewhat on task and not disruptive. He and I are working together for 45 minutes twice a week during my prep period to get him caught up. I discovered that he doesn't like to do work because he is insecure about his intelligence. If you don't do your work then no one can prove you are stupid. That is his logic. Anyway, today he missed class and this isn't out of the norm for him. I saw him during his study hall (not studying...shocker), and he agreed to meet with me extra times during the week to catch up from his missed classes. You have no idea how hard it was to get him to agree to meet twice a week. We had to have a principle draw up and sign a contract and everything. I feel hopeful about this.

The other J is a student who told me he was in a gang and there is so much hate in his life that he just doesn't care about anything. This kid has been taking notes and trying in class. When I come to help him with a problem after I see he has given up, I work with him to get him to see the process. He nervous laughs when he gets stuck and it is very endearing bc I know he is going out of his comfort zone to be caring enough to try. I think he is coming up to my classroom tomorrow before school to get his notebook caught up before I grade them this weekend. We will see, but he has a TON TON TON of potential and a very good heart. I think he could be a huge inspiration to kids around him and could def make it through college if he gets his game together now.

N came to hang out with me after school today even tho I had to go home right at four. She can make my day. I told her a story that had a moral about how when you treat mean people nicely then they are naturally nicer to you. I think she got it, but maybe not. It was a fun to tell a story anyway and she enjoyed listening to it. I know this bc she isn't the type to pretend to be interested if she isn't. BELIEVE ME... haha...sighhhhh

S stayed and hung out with me while she did her research project on Gauss. We had a blast talking about math and anime. 

T is still taking notes and paying attention. I don't know what changed but I sure like it. 

C called me a b*tch the other day and the next day...said it was out of line and he was sorry. He apologized bc I told his coach that his swearing was getting out of line, but C still seemed genuine. Later that day he came and stood at the window of a car I was in with a few other teachers and just chat with me for about 5 minutes. 

Work is good. Kids are great. Life is crazy :).

beauty full

This weekend was amazing.

Specifically my experience worshipping my God. I have never been moved to tears because of joy, but during the "Days of Elijah" song my heart was overflowing. The words talk about the excited expectation we have of the return of Christ and of prophecies being fulfilled...Is there anything better than knowing those things are true; is there anything better than those things actually being true!? I think hearing my dad sing and just be holding nothing back, pouring his whole heart out for thanks and hope and praise for the promises of God to us, pushed me over the edge into tears. Being with other believers and worshipping Jesus, the God who humbled himself and made the ultimate sacrifice so that we can share in the joy of knowing Him and being with Him, is like nothing else. God blessed me this weekend with unimaginable joy. I can't even put it into words. It was so deep, and I still feel it. I believe this is a new way that God is allowing me to experience His presence, His Holy Spirit in my life. True joy, not temporary happiness, is something I have been praying for for months now, and God chose Sunday to introduce it to my life in a whole new way. And then, the sermon was on true joy. Perfect timing :).

my days

I haven't been feeling like blogging much lately, but I think that is because I have gotten back into my life.  I don't need to write about it so much as live it, experience it. But writing is how I process, and so every once and a while it is good for me to take a step back and evaluate things.

Today our school had a "26 seconds" rally. Every 26 seconds a student drops out of high school (according to a statistic somewhere). Our rally today was to fight that statistic by encouraging students to stay in school through live performances of inspirational rap songs (done by another high school from Minnesota) and through giving away of prizes. I don't know how that is supposed to work...It seems pretty disconnected from what school is really like and the real reasons to stay in school. I suppose it creates awareness though, and that might serve a purpose. Anyway, I bring this up because one of my favorite students has told me multiple time this semester that he is going to drop out; he is only coming to school now because "the law is making him." He also told me in his "mathography"that he is in a gang and he has so much hate in his life that he just doesn't care about anything. I stood behind him for most of the rally today because he was sitting with all the behavior problem boys and so teacher presence was needed. He is such a sweet heart and has the potential to go so far in life. I want to give him hope and help him see that his future can have happiness.

On a different note, a kid who never participates, who often crumples up and throws his papers out of defiance and refusal to do work, sat quietly in class today while taking notes and raised his hand to answer questions. *AMAZING* This kid hits on me all the time, it makes me nervous and annoyed, but I think I am good at hiding it. If he knew it bothered me it would get even worse. He came up and sat by me for the 5 minutes I sat down. Once he sat I got up after a short discussion with him. He plopped down behind me and said "Hi Miss Heiberger." I turned around and smiled and said hi, then turned back around. Then I turned to face him again and told him that I noticed he took notes and stayed on task today. He nodded like he got that I was pleased and then went on to tell me about how a teacher "tried" to take his hat from him. This all took place in about a 3 minute period. Then I left my stuff where I was sitting but got up to go stand behind the bad behavior boys where my friend Mary was standing. I couldn't take anymore of flirty kid, although I was thankful for the opportunity to let him know that his good deeds hadn't gone unnoticed. Although that comment might backfire tomorrow. Then again, it probably won't be any worse than it was.

One of my bad behavior girls last semester now comes to visit me in the mornings and at lunch and shouted out hello to me today as I was finding my place the assembly. That made me feel nice <3 :).



---------------
February 1, 2012 (a leap year!!!)

P.S. Telling that kid that I noticed didn't backfire :). It helped :):):).

This is a letter I wrote to myself while I was at "teacher boot camp" this summer, i.e. TFA Summer Institute.

14 July 2011

Dear Future Me,

Congratulations on your first teacher job :). Are you taking yourself too seriously yet? You know you have a ten dance to do that! Keep yourself in check girl. make sure you are taking time for yourself--journal, pray, read.

How are you feeling about your students? Are you able to assume the best of them? In areas where a student has proved to you that they don't care, what can you do to invest them back into their own success? What has happened in their life to make them have the attitude they do? Are you being respectful to them and theirs? Are you modeling what it means to be Christ-like in the classroom?

how are you feeling about your co-teachers? Do you feel respected and valued by them? Do you respect and value al you co-workers? Are you being a light in the darkness by being positive and friendly with your smiles? Do you actively avoid gossiping? Be respectful and assume the best of your co-workers and peers and you will be at ease.

How are you feeling about your administrators? Do you seek out their help and give them the proper respect? Do you respect their time? How about with your TFA bosses? Have you maintained respect for them and continued to assume the best of them? Remember Lara, your pride can get in the way of potentially great relationships in all areas of your life. Take hurtful words with a grain of alt, you know who you are and you know your worth outside of what you perceive others think of you. Reinforce a positive self-identity in others and you will begin to feel even more loved and content. If you do this with your students, peers, and overheads, you will be more successful at making a positive difference in the lives of those you encounter.

View people a Christ would view them.
Look beyond people's behavior and into who they are, and you might be able to reach them.

I truly hope you are doing well, and that this letter helps your life be even better, because you are me :).

~Yourself (past me/you... Oh the confusion)

P.S. Students need to be taught what it means to be a good student. What does it look like?

I am figuring out the source of my lonliness!

I have been direly missing Brittnay Hofer lately. She was my friend that I could be passionate about Christ with, and with whom there were no games. She was quick to admit her short comings but always joyous in the forgiveness she received and the blessings she was given. It is funny to say these things in the past tense, she still exists!!! She just hasn't been a part of my daily life ever since she moved. I guess I moved too. Anyway, I need to find a new way to fulfill this need in my life. There is a Bible Study that happens every Thursday night here in Mission and I'm going. I'm not getting my hopes up for it to be anything special. I'm desperate. Church on Sunday is not enough and I feel it. Living with Mark was the biggest blessing of my life because I had another Christian there with me all the time, and we could have conversations centered on Christ whenever we wanted, and we could listen to one another's struggles and give feedback based on what the Word of God says. It was amazing, but I didn't realize how valuable it was when I had it. I miss constant fellowship so much. SO MUCH. I think this is where my loneliness comes from: not having anyone in my everyday who shares my desire for Jesus.

Unimportant Ramblings

It is the last day of my first semester of teaching. I get all new students tomorrow and essentially a fresh start with my philosophy of teaching. I think I went about things all wring last semester, putting far too much focus on the algorithm of how and didn't allow enough time to explore or test out their knowledge. I honestly didn't give enough of the right kinds of feedback either. People need to know if they are doing something correctly or incorrectly in order to build confidence and they need confidence in order to be invested. Today we played a game called "trashketball" and I regret not having employed it earlier in the year. Kids seemed to be invested and wanted to win. We split the class into two teams and each team picked their own team name--"The Spartans" vs "The Shopping Center." Hilarious. Anyway, one person from each team came up and raced to solve the same problem. Whoever solved it correctly first won a point and then got a chance to shoot a wadded up piece of paper into the garbage cans for 1,3, or 5 extra points, depending on how far away they stood. I heard so many students saying, "Ohhhh, Now I get it!" Amazing how a little interaction can spark the mind.

Next semester I am going to be less no-nonsense in the sense that we are not going to power through things so much but rather have a deeper understanding of them, and more no-nonsense in the sense that I want stricter management, and I want every kid doing their work and paying attention well enough to ask questions. BUT, that management won't come from a place of control, it will come from a place of care and concern. I think this last semester so much of what I did came from a place of fear of an unruly classroom, and thus my focus was on control rather than healthy interaction.

Hey you! Ya, You!

I have this friend who has a blog named "If Words Could Save You"....

Yes...

If.

If they could...But they can't.

What a shame.

I am thankful, for I would fall too short if my words were my salvation. But they are my connection. To God, to myself, to you. So write and I'll read you, because I want to KNOW you.

Being Present - to me

Lara,

When your body is somewhere and your heart is somewhere else it causes lots of inner turmoil and discontent. Wherever you are that is where you are! Be present! Don't let your thoughts wander to some dream that doesn't currently exist. Often that dream isn't as wonderful as you imagine it to be anyway. The quality of your life is dependent on your perspective and willingness to accept things the way they are. Be thankful for the people you have around you to interact with...Cherish them and try to understand them, because that is all you have. Being present also lets you be more fulfilled by your daily/life work, rather than dread it! Remember that your daily work is your life work, so do it well and with a full heart, serving others...from co-teachers to admin to students to staff. Spread the love, as Miss Taylor Escott would say :).

As she waves good-bye to this time in her life~

Slaves, obey your earthly masters with fear and trembling, with a sincere heart, as you would Christ, not by the way of eye-service, as people pleasers, but as servants of Christ, doing the will of God from the heart, rendering service with Good will as to the Lord and not to man, knowing that whatever good anyone does, this he will receive back from the Lord, whether he is a slave or free. Masters, do the same to them, and stop your threatening, knowing that he who is both their Master and yours is in heaven, and that there is no partiality with him.
~Ephesians 6:5-9

During my time with God this morning I was shown that I do not have a servants heart. I avoid extra work where I can, especially when it requires a sacrifice of my time. I would much rather have someone do something for me than do something for someone else, and I allow that preference to dictate my actions. My dad has pointed this out to me when I don't offer to help Pam in the kitchen, but it goes so much further than that. I was drawn to look up verses that include the word serve and servants and found the verse above. It hit my heart hard with conviction, but also encouraged and strengthened my desire to change me. I felt much better after reading it, like I had been given direction. When I have read this verse in the past, I didn't relate to it because it addresses a slave...and I am not a slave. This verse was obviously written for people back in the day. Ha! This morning I realized that I am a slave, duh. I am a slave to so many things. I am a slave to the will of God, there is no way I can escape from under it, even if I wanted to. I am a servant of my employers, of my parents, and more. It comforts me that in this God is telling me that I shouldn't do good things to be a people pleaser or to make people like me, I should do them because they are good to do. I am intrinsically happier when I do good things, simply because they are good. This quote below is an excerpt from a random spiritual book, not Christian, but it holds true for Christians. I like it and it explains my understanding here pretty well.

"the closer we get to the core of all being, the more synonymous the effort and its reward. who could have guessed? the reward for uncovering truth is the experience of being honest. The reward for understanding is the peace of knowing. the reward for loving is being the carrier of love. it all becomes elusively simple. the river's sole purpose is to carry water, and as the force of the water deepens and widens the riverbed, and the river fulfills its purpose more. likewise, the riverbed of the heart is worn deeper over time to carry what is living.

Doing good is its own reward. I am not concerned with what I receive in heaven due to my positive deeds here on earth. I do them because they are good to do, and they are good because of who God is. He defines what is good by the essence of His being. All good things come from Him.

I also like how this verse says to do whatever we do with a sincere heart. I think this echoes my concern for being "present," and also being "real." Doing things with an insincere heart is by definition deceitful and for the acceptance of others, not out of a pure motivation. It is manipulative and makes people think you are better of a person than you really are. And, you can't do things with a sincere heart if you are not "present" while doing them. If your mind/heart is somewhere else then you cannot possibly be sincere because your heart isn't in it! I know that is circular reasoning but I can't think of any other way to hash it out. ((( I do need to add that I still think that doing things with an insincere heart is better than never doing good things at all. Good things must be done. But does the end justify the means?? What a backwards way to apply this concept...kinda. )))

I also like the last part of that section of Ephesians where it says for masters to be good to their slaves, because God is over everyone and He has no partiality. It made me think of me being over my students..."stop your threatening"...I need to learn how to treat my subjects the way Christ treated His. They are my equals, and while I am responsible for keeping order and showing them the way to knowledge and proper treatment of others, I need to do so in an utterly respectful way, because they are my equals.

That's all I got. I'm sure there is some flawed logic somewhere in here...And when I reread this tomorrow or next week or next year, I'm sure I'll find it. I am somewhat insecure about these thoughts, because I think there is so much more than what I am seeing. But, this is what I am grasping today. My mind feels pulls to threads that I can't grasp. I am blind feeling for threads to grasp and follow along to be lead to the Truth.

Freedom in Christ, My Home

"If the Christian is attached to some thing, such as a teaching, a tradition, an institution, a movement, or person, the end will certainly be a limitation of life and eventually confusion and disappointment, perhaps worse." (from a little article Caine gave me)

I think this statement is true. Does it only apply to Christians? I know that it strikes a cord with me because of something Lizzy said to me about Christ being our only home--not church, not a husband, not a house. I believe that having my home be Jesus would bring more freedom to my life path than almost any other decision.

Bein' Real

I have recently told my father that I want to apologize to my stepmother for my outward expression of anger at her. I understand that she was behaving as she always behaves, and I am the one who acted out of what is expected by lashing out at her (and dad too). I also told him that I don't think apologizing would bear any good feelings from her, in fact, just the opposite, because I feel that she doesn't think I am a genuine person due to all of our history and the mistrust it has created between us. I think he told me that he believes I am a pretty genuine person, but maybe I only imagine that he reaffirmed me in that way. A friend pointed out to me tonight that I am the one who saw that she doesn't think I am genuine...I could be projecting what is really true about myself into her point-of-view. Like she is the mirror helping me to see me. I have always said that the people I find most disagreeable are the ones that I have the most in common with. I see her as a completely fake person who can and will put on a face for anything that benefits her, but will also be completely mean spirited and spiteful to make others feel just as miserable as she is. A reflection? Honestly, yeah, kinda. I absolutely do this sometimes, especially when I am around her. This same friend who pointed out that maybe I am not as genuine as I like to think I am has also in the past commented on my ability to get along well with different groups of people...called me a chameleon I believe. I change according to the group of people I am with, and while I think this is healthy to an extent, I have to be true to who I am at all times. I am not one person when I am with you and another person when I am with them. I am me. But, am I true to myself? Or, do I let my camouflage capabilities totally overpower my true colors? It will be interesting to see how my coming to understand how to be true to who I am will affect my relationship with Pam. It will probably be more stable because I won't feel like my worth is threatened by the way she treats me due to the way she perceives me. They say that you are who you think other people think you are. I want to apply this to the coach and not the team, I am who I think God thinks I am.

Oh Me

Today I feel this deep desire to love someone, but apparently not just anyone. There are people that I see everyday and like just fine, but feel compelled not to be around them. Maybe it is because I feel the shallowness of those relationships and don't wish to partake of the nonsense. Actually I find the nonsense quite hurtful today. I want to interact on a meaningful intimate level, and I find others' rejection of that or inability to do so disappointing. What do you do on days where you have so much love but no one to give it to? (I suppose) You pour it out to everyone! ...Kind genuine smiles, encouraging words, patience, empathy, take the time to see another's perspective, and so much more... Also on days where I have an overflow of love, it is more irritating than ever to see individuals doing things that are destructive to themselves. I think that is why it is so easy to go from having a day where you feel like you have so much love to give to a day where you hate the world and everything in it. It is all about disappointment, which comes from expectations. Days that start intense for me usually end intense, but in the opposite way. The line between love and hate is so fine, because they are both so passionate. I suppose it doesn't have to be a fine line that is easy to cross, it can just be a fine line. Like, if I am at positive infinity on the x-axis for love and the line to cross over to hate is the y-axis, then I likely will never make it to hate. I guess it has to do with whether my feelings of love are dependent on outside forces or if it is something totally from within or a higher power. If they are dependent on what I see in the world around me than my good feelings will be fickle and short lived and not real and not able to be appreciated by anyone, because they can't be counted on. If they are from an internal spring, independent of circumstances and the reception of others, than they (my overflowing feelings of love) are beneficial to the world and to myself. I don't think having one person to focus my love on, like a man or a child, would help me at all with these feelings. I think the disappointment would still be there at the end of the day, because of my inability to convey enough the affection I have for them, and because if my love is not received in a way I understand (or at all) then that is discouraging and hurtful. I guess that goes back to my love needing to come from an internal spring. This is something I need to concentrate on in my life. Allowing that internal spring to flow and overflow, and I know how to do this. God is Love.

An Emotional Day

There was a "Prayer Summit" at my church today...I didn't really know what it was about but I knew I wanted to go. Prayer is such an imitate thing, and to share that with others is one of the most fulfilling interactions I can imagine. "When we search for God, He brings us closer to each other."This is what an elder at my church told me before we began our adventure into understanding God today. It was perfect insight because I have feel feeling so utterly alone lately. I know there are people who love me, but what about understand me? My attempts to portray my fairytale prevent others from actually seeing the real me. Turns out we are all alone in our own ways. I also am homeless, there is no place where I am welcome truly as a loved part of a family, where I am "one of them." I may not have a place of rest on this earth, and I don't have a relationship of rest either, But I accept that. Jesus knew loneliness; who could possibly connect with Him on the level that He could connect? Even if He was always around people, no one could be intimate how He was intimate. He had no place to rest His head; He chose to do the will of His Father and travel from one place to another spreading the truth. My rest is in Him; He is my only home. I am blessed to be one chosen to share in His suffering in this way. I will be a gypsy with Him. It is freeing. I am no longer bound by place or person or thing. He is my Way and my destination and my map.

I have hurt people. My stepmom specifically. I don't know what to do. I want to bring honesty but I don't feel it will be received. I don't know how to feel or show love there. I feel remorse for the broken state of things. Maybe I can try to write her a letter, with no intention of giving it to her, and be completely honest in it and see what comes out. I am confused and lost here. I don't know how to have normal female relationships. I always feel judged and evaluated and like I have to be on the watch-out for subversive attacks. I want to unlearn these ways and be free to be me and love.

I need to show Pam that I see myself and my flaws and apologize for the ways those have affected and hurt her. I need to communicate my intentions of future behavior and interactions with her.

I am never confident to do anything unless someone else approves it for me first. What is this about?
Can I be done with this entry now? Okay, thanks!

Haha, to add to that last point, I might ask for your permission but if you tell me no, beware. What!? Another bad trait!? Never!

i wish that i could hook a cable up to my mind as i am falling asleep and have all my thoughts downloaded and recorded on my computer, and then have them deleted from my mind so i could just get to sleep!

 so i stayed home sick today, and let me tell you, i am! i think that today has shed a little perspective for me on what matters in life. there is no reason not to enjoy every day that we are given! we have to experience each day anyway, we might as well search out the little things that make this world a little brighter and she day in our lives and the lives of others. that is why it is so fun to see little kids playing and chasing each other and responding to the world around them. everything is stimulating and the world still holds so much wonder and delight. my focus is going back to that which brings me wonder and delight.

my cousin posted a link to this article on Facebook, and i took the time to read it today. it is quite good and is helping me to view marriage in a more accurate light. marriage is not about a fairytale, because  fairytales are based on perfection, while marriages involve people. can't have both. furthermore, people always change when they get married, but rather than that being some tragic thing, as sometimes i have thought, it is more like a natural occurrence. people get put in new situations and they change. nothing shocking there. however, if we expect marriage to be fulfilling because of the quality of the person we marry, we are fooling ourselves. my grandma told me that marriage is like putting two jagged rocks in a tumbler. they chip off the rough edges from each other until they become smooth. but even when you think all the rough edges are gone, there you find another one. i guess marriage could be God's refining tool for His people. anyway, i really like what this article has to say about what marriage is and what it is not.

I connected the link, jic: You Never Marry The Right Person

Moving Forward

I realize that as of late I have regressed emotionally to that of a high schooler. I am not ashamed; I think it is good every once in a while to lose yourself in emotion. However, I think I now need to start giving myself a little bit of direction and structure. I am allowing myself to be depressed and low energy and all of the bad things that come with that. Where is the light at the end of the tunnel? I feel like I need to change my circumstances-become a missionary in South America or something. But that is just my old tendencies to run away. Why do I think that would help? Wherever I go, I am still going to be there. My circumstances aren't what need to change, my perspective and my actions are what needs to change. I am focusing far too much on myself. What can I do to shed a little light in others' lives; what can I do to lighten someone else's load today? That is the only way that at the end of the day I will have felt worthwhile and like their was some kind of purpose to my existence this day. I need to be giving more than I am taking in this life, or else I am a drain and am helping to deteriorate the way things are rather than make things better. And then it would be better if I had never been born. What a waste and a shame that would be. I ought to start giving of myself.

Desert Places

i feel alone. lonely lonely lonely. my heart aches to have someone to connect with. i don't want to feel this way anymore. i turn to Christ because He is my Option. What if He was only an option. Would I still pick Him?


                      Desert Places
                    ~Robert Frost~
Snow falling and night falling fast, oh, fast In a field I looked into going past, And the ground almost covered smooth in snow, But a few weeds and stubble showing last. The woods around it have it--it is theirs. All animals are smothered in their lairs. I am too absent-spirited to count; The loneliness includes me unawares. And lonely as it is that loneliness Will be more lonely ere it will be less-- A blanker whiteness of benighted snow With no expression, nothing to express. They cannot scare me with their empty spaces Between stars--on stars where no human race is. I have it in me so much nearer home To scare myself with my own desert places.