Bein' Real

I have recently told my father that I want to apologize to my stepmother for my outward expression of anger at her. I understand that she was behaving as she always behaves, and I am the one who acted out of what is expected by lashing out at her (and dad too). I also told him that I don't think apologizing would bear any good feelings from her, in fact, just the opposite, because I feel that she doesn't think I am a genuine person due to all of our history and the mistrust it has created between us. I think he told me that he believes I am a pretty genuine person, but maybe I only imagine that he reaffirmed me in that way. A friend pointed out to me tonight that I am the one who saw that she doesn't think I am genuine...I could be projecting what is really true about myself into her point-of-view. Like she is the mirror helping me to see me. I have always said that the people I find most disagreeable are the ones that I have the most in common with. I see her as a completely fake person who can and will put on a face for anything that benefits her, but will also be completely mean spirited and spiteful to make others feel just as miserable as she is. A reflection? Honestly, yeah, kinda. I absolutely do this sometimes, especially when I am around her. This same friend who pointed out that maybe I am not as genuine as I like to think I am has also in the past commented on my ability to get along well with different groups of people...called me a chameleon I believe. I change according to the group of people I am with, and while I think this is healthy to an extent, I have to be true to who I am at all times. I am not one person when I am with you and another person when I am with them. I am me. But, am I true to myself? Or, do I let my camouflage capabilities totally overpower my true colors? It will be interesting to see how my coming to understand how to be true to who I am will affect my relationship with Pam. It will probably be more stable because I won't feel like my worth is threatened by the way she treats me due to the way she perceives me. They say that you are who you think other people think you are. I want to apply this to the coach and not the team, I am who I think God thinks I am.