Sorting this out

I feel like I want to run away from everyone and everything. Like I need to reassert my individuality, my center in myself. When I start to care too much what another person thinks about me I lose the parts of me that I love. I think that wanting to please people is a trait that is very deeply ingrained in me, but it doesn't have to be that way. All habits can be broken. I am the only person who determines who I am, and I determine that I am not a soul that changes depending upon the (perceived) whims of others. The funny thing is that the people I am tempted to change for probably don't even want me to change. Is that irony?? ...I'll ask Mary :)...

I suppose the real question  to ask myself is why I feel the desire to please people. I think that bringing light to others' lives is the most that anyone could ever give, but not at the cost of losing oneself. That would mean the loss of authenticity, and without authenticity you can only keep up shining for so long before you burn out.

I feel better now. I don't need to run away, I need to accept myself and my needs and not feel like I have to deceive people to believe that I am more perfect than I am. Far from perfect. Not proud, but still pleased with life. And holding to the promise that with effort I can make other people's moments better without losing my strong sense of self.

I don't need anyone. But I like people. And I want them, so long as I am allowed to be me. Emotional, dorky, loud and quiet (depending on the day), sad and happy, mad and forgiving. My emotions are valid and I don't reject them, although I will continue to critique them from a logical perspective so that I am not blown by the slightest breeze.
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I SAID THIS IN THE SECOND PARAGRAPH:
"I suppose the real question  to ask myself is why I feel the desire to please people. I think that bringing light to others' lives is the most that anyone could ever give...."

WELL, another reason I want to please people is probably because I want to be accepted by them. I don't like it when people don't like me, and especially when I really like them, I want to be liked back. I need to be true to myself and accept that some people will not like me even if I like them. That is life and it's okay.

This Morning's Perspective < 3

I don't want to make plans for my future. I want to live life by seizing opportunities when they come my way, and appreciate what I have rather than chasing after perfection. I will work hard at whatever it is I am doing, and I will always give people my all. I have so many dreams. Whatever life I live, it is going to be a blast, because I will be the one living it. My choice!

A Project

I have been moved for several weeks now to have a theme for my next few entries. I feel a strong desire to do an article on each of my family members. I am not quite sure how each one will shape up, but I want to process what each of them means to me as individual people, rather than as a unit. I want to know the people I love very well, and I want them to feel that I understand them. I think that sometimes I believe I "know" a person because I have been around them a lot, but I want to acknowledge to myself and to the world what they as individual people have contributed to my life and/or special qualities that they have. I'm pumped, but nervous. I don't want to come up short of things to say on this topic.