beauty full

This weekend was amazing.

Specifically my experience worshipping my God. I have never been moved to tears because of joy, but during the "Days of Elijah" song my heart was overflowing. The words talk about the excited expectation we have of the return of Christ and of prophecies being fulfilled...Is there anything better than knowing those things are true; is there anything better than those things actually being true!? I think hearing my dad sing and just be holding nothing back, pouring his whole heart out for thanks and hope and praise for the promises of God to us, pushed me over the edge into tears. Being with other believers and worshipping Jesus, the God who humbled himself and made the ultimate sacrifice so that we can share in the joy of knowing Him and being with Him, is like nothing else. God blessed me this weekend with unimaginable joy. I can't even put it into words. It was so deep, and I still feel it. I believe this is a new way that God is allowing me to experience His presence, His Holy Spirit in my life. True joy, not temporary happiness, is something I have been praying for for months now, and God chose Sunday to introduce it to my life in a whole new way. And then, the sermon was on true joy. Perfect timing :).

my days

I haven't been feeling like blogging much lately, but I think that is because I have gotten back into my life.  I don't need to write about it so much as live it, experience it. But writing is how I process, and so every once and a while it is good for me to take a step back and evaluate things.

Today our school had a "26 seconds" rally. Every 26 seconds a student drops out of high school (according to a statistic somewhere). Our rally today was to fight that statistic by encouraging students to stay in school through live performances of inspirational rap songs (done by another high school from Minnesota) and through giving away of prizes. I don't know how that is supposed to work...It seems pretty disconnected from what school is really like and the real reasons to stay in school. I suppose it creates awareness though, and that might serve a purpose. Anyway, I bring this up because one of my favorite students has told me multiple time this semester that he is going to drop out; he is only coming to school now because "the law is making him." He also told me in his "mathography"that he is in a gang and he has so much hate in his life that he just doesn't care about anything. I stood behind him for most of the rally today because he was sitting with all the behavior problem boys and so teacher presence was needed. He is such a sweet heart and has the potential to go so far in life. I want to give him hope and help him see that his future can have happiness.

On a different note, a kid who never participates, who often crumples up and throws his papers out of defiance and refusal to do work, sat quietly in class today while taking notes and raised his hand to answer questions. *AMAZING* This kid hits on me all the time, it makes me nervous and annoyed, but I think I am good at hiding it. If he knew it bothered me it would get even worse. He came up and sat by me for the 5 minutes I sat down. Once he sat I got up after a short discussion with him. He plopped down behind me and said "Hi Miss Heiberger." I turned around and smiled and said hi, then turned back around. Then I turned to face him again and told him that I noticed he took notes and stayed on task today. He nodded like he got that I was pleased and then went on to tell me about how a teacher "tried" to take his hat from him. This all took place in about a 3 minute period. Then I left my stuff where I was sitting but got up to go stand behind the bad behavior boys where my friend Mary was standing. I couldn't take anymore of flirty kid, although I was thankful for the opportunity to let him know that his good deeds hadn't gone unnoticed. Although that comment might backfire tomorrow. Then again, it probably won't be any worse than it was.

One of my bad behavior girls last semester now comes to visit me in the mornings and at lunch and shouted out hello to me today as I was finding my place the assembly. That made me feel nice <3 :).



---------------
February 1, 2012 (a leap year!!!)

P.S. Telling that kid that I noticed didn't backfire :). It helped :):):).

This is a letter I wrote to myself while I was at "teacher boot camp" this summer, i.e. TFA Summer Institute.

14 July 2011

Dear Future Me,

Congratulations on your first teacher job :). Are you taking yourself too seriously yet? You know you have a ten dance to do that! Keep yourself in check girl. make sure you are taking time for yourself--journal, pray, read.

How are you feeling about your students? Are you able to assume the best of them? In areas where a student has proved to you that they don't care, what can you do to invest them back into their own success? What has happened in their life to make them have the attitude they do? Are you being respectful to them and theirs? Are you modeling what it means to be Christ-like in the classroom?

how are you feeling about your co-teachers? Do you feel respected and valued by them? Do you respect and value al you co-workers? Are you being a light in the darkness by being positive and friendly with your smiles? Do you actively avoid gossiping? Be respectful and assume the best of your co-workers and peers and you will be at ease.

How are you feeling about your administrators? Do you seek out their help and give them the proper respect? Do you respect their time? How about with your TFA bosses? Have you maintained respect for them and continued to assume the best of them? Remember Lara, your pride can get in the way of potentially great relationships in all areas of your life. Take hurtful words with a grain of alt, you know who you are and you know your worth outside of what you perceive others think of you. Reinforce a positive self-identity in others and you will begin to feel even more loved and content. If you do this with your students, peers, and overheads, you will be more successful at making a positive difference in the lives of those you encounter.

View people a Christ would view them.
Look beyond people's behavior and into who they are, and you might be able to reach them.

I truly hope you are doing well, and that this letter helps your life be even better, because you are me :).

~Yourself (past me/you... Oh the confusion)

P.S. Students need to be taught what it means to be a good student. What does it look like?

I am figuring out the source of my lonliness!

I have been direly missing Brittnay Hofer lately. She was my friend that I could be passionate about Christ with, and with whom there were no games. She was quick to admit her short comings but always joyous in the forgiveness she received and the blessings she was given. It is funny to say these things in the past tense, she still exists!!! She just hasn't been a part of my daily life ever since she moved. I guess I moved too. Anyway, I need to find a new way to fulfill this need in my life. There is a Bible Study that happens every Thursday night here in Mission and I'm going. I'm not getting my hopes up for it to be anything special. I'm desperate. Church on Sunday is not enough and I feel it. Living with Mark was the biggest blessing of my life because I had another Christian there with me all the time, and we could have conversations centered on Christ whenever we wanted, and we could listen to one another's struggles and give feedback based on what the Word of God says. It was amazing, but I didn't realize how valuable it was when I had it. I miss constant fellowship so much. SO MUCH. I think this is where my loneliness comes from: not having anyone in my everyday who shares my desire for Jesus.

Unimportant Ramblings

It is the last day of my first semester of teaching. I get all new students tomorrow and essentially a fresh start with my philosophy of teaching. I think I went about things all wring last semester, putting far too much focus on the algorithm of how and didn't allow enough time to explore or test out their knowledge. I honestly didn't give enough of the right kinds of feedback either. People need to know if they are doing something correctly or incorrectly in order to build confidence and they need confidence in order to be invested. Today we played a game called "trashketball" and I regret not having employed it earlier in the year. Kids seemed to be invested and wanted to win. We split the class into two teams and each team picked their own team name--"The Spartans" vs "The Shopping Center." Hilarious. Anyway, one person from each team came up and raced to solve the same problem. Whoever solved it correctly first won a point and then got a chance to shoot a wadded up piece of paper into the garbage cans for 1,3, or 5 extra points, depending on how far away they stood. I heard so many students saying, "Ohhhh, Now I get it!" Amazing how a little interaction can spark the mind.

Next semester I am going to be less no-nonsense in the sense that we are not going to power through things so much but rather have a deeper understanding of them, and more no-nonsense in the sense that I want stricter management, and I want every kid doing their work and paying attention well enough to ask questions. BUT, that management won't come from a place of control, it will come from a place of care and concern. I think this last semester so much of what I did came from a place of fear of an unruly classroom, and thus my focus was on control rather than healthy interaction.

Hey you! Ya, You!

I have this friend who has a blog named "If Words Could Save You"....

Yes...

If.

If they could...But they can't.

What a shame.

I am thankful, for I would fall too short if my words were my salvation. But they are my connection. To God, to myself, to you. So write and I'll read you, because I want to KNOW you.

Being Present - to me

Lara,

When your body is somewhere and your heart is somewhere else it causes lots of inner turmoil and discontent. Wherever you are that is where you are! Be present! Don't let your thoughts wander to some dream that doesn't currently exist. Often that dream isn't as wonderful as you imagine it to be anyway. The quality of your life is dependent on your perspective and willingness to accept things the way they are. Be thankful for the people you have around you to interact with...Cherish them and try to understand them, because that is all you have. Being present also lets you be more fulfilled by your daily/life work, rather than dread it! Remember that your daily work is your life work, so do it well and with a full heart, serving others...from co-teachers to admin to students to staff. Spread the love, as Miss Taylor Escott would say :).

As she waves good-bye to this time in her life~

Slaves, obey your earthly masters with fear and trembling, with a sincere heart, as you would Christ, not by the way of eye-service, as people pleasers, but as servants of Christ, doing the will of God from the heart, rendering service with Good will as to the Lord and not to man, knowing that whatever good anyone does, this he will receive back from the Lord, whether he is a slave or free. Masters, do the same to them, and stop your threatening, knowing that he who is both their Master and yours is in heaven, and that there is no partiality with him.
~Ephesians 6:5-9

During my time with God this morning I was shown that I do not have a servants heart. I avoid extra work where I can, especially when it requires a sacrifice of my time. I would much rather have someone do something for me than do something for someone else, and I allow that preference to dictate my actions. My dad has pointed this out to me when I don't offer to help Pam in the kitchen, but it goes so much further than that. I was drawn to look up verses that include the word serve and servants and found the verse above. It hit my heart hard with conviction, but also encouraged and strengthened my desire to change me. I felt much better after reading it, like I had been given direction. When I have read this verse in the past, I didn't relate to it because it addresses a slave...and I am not a slave. This verse was obviously written for people back in the day. Ha! This morning I realized that I am a slave, duh. I am a slave to so many things. I am a slave to the will of God, there is no way I can escape from under it, even if I wanted to. I am a servant of my employers, of my parents, and more. It comforts me that in this God is telling me that I shouldn't do good things to be a people pleaser or to make people like me, I should do them because they are good to do. I am intrinsically happier when I do good things, simply because they are good. This quote below is an excerpt from a random spiritual book, not Christian, but it holds true for Christians. I like it and it explains my understanding here pretty well.

"the closer we get to the core of all being, the more synonymous the effort and its reward. who could have guessed? the reward for uncovering truth is the experience of being honest. The reward for understanding is the peace of knowing. the reward for loving is being the carrier of love. it all becomes elusively simple. the river's sole purpose is to carry water, and as the force of the water deepens and widens the riverbed, and the river fulfills its purpose more. likewise, the riverbed of the heart is worn deeper over time to carry what is living.

Doing good is its own reward. I am not concerned with what I receive in heaven due to my positive deeds here on earth. I do them because they are good to do, and they are good because of who God is. He defines what is good by the essence of His being. All good things come from Him.

I also like how this verse says to do whatever we do with a sincere heart. I think this echoes my concern for being "present," and also being "real." Doing things with an insincere heart is by definition deceitful and for the acceptance of others, not out of a pure motivation. It is manipulative and makes people think you are better of a person than you really are. And, you can't do things with a sincere heart if you are not "present" while doing them. If your mind/heart is somewhere else then you cannot possibly be sincere because your heart isn't in it! I know that is circular reasoning but I can't think of any other way to hash it out. ((( I do need to add that I still think that doing things with an insincere heart is better than never doing good things at all. Good things must be done. But does the end justify the means?? What a backwards way to apply this concept...kinda. )))

I also like the last part of that section of Ephesians where it says for masters to be good to their slaves, because God is over everyone and He has no partiality. It made me think of me being over my students..."stop your threatening"...I need to learn how to treat my subjects the way Christ treated His. They are my equals, and while I am responsible for keeping order and showing them the way to knowledge and proper treatment of others, I need to do so in an utterly respectful way, because they are my equals.

That's all I got. I'm sure there is some flawed logic somewhere in here...And when I reread this tomorrow or next week or next year, I'm sure I'll find it. I am somewhat insecure about these thoughts, because I think there is so much more than what I am seeing. But, this is what I am grasping today. My mind feels pulls to threads that I can't grasp. I am blind feeling for threads to grasp and follow along to be lead to the Truth.

Freedom in Christ, My Home

"If the Christian is attached to some thing, such as a teaching, a tradition, an institution, a movement, or person, the end will certainly be a limitation of life and eventually confusion and disappointment, perhaps worse." (from a little article Caine gave me)

I think this statement is true. Does it only apply to Christians? I know that it strikes a cord with me because of something Lizzy said to me about Christ being our only home--not church, not a husband, not a house. I believe that having my home be Jesus would bring more freedom to my life path than almost any other decision.

Bein' Real

I have recently told my father that I want to apologize to my stepmother for my outward expression of anger at her. I understand that she was behaving as she always behaves, and I am the one who acted out of what is expected by lashing out at her (and dad too). I also told him that I don't think apologizing would bear any good feelings from her, in fact, just the opposite, because I feel that she doesn't think I am a genuine person due to all of our history and the mistrust it has created between us. I think he told me that he believes I am a pretty genuine person, but maybe I only imagine that he reaffirmed me in that way. A friend pointed out to me tonight that I am the one who saw that she doesn't think I am genuine...I could be projecting what is really true about myself into her point-of-view. Like she is the mirror helping me to see me. I have always said that the people I find most disagreeable are the ones that I have the most in common with. I see her as a completely fake person who can and will put on a face for anything that benefits her, but will also be completely mean spirited and spiteful to make others feel just as miserable as she is. A reflection? Honestly, yeah, kinda. I absolutely do this sometimes, especially when I am around her. This same friend who pointed out that maybe I am not as genuine as I like to think I am has also in the past commented on my ability to get along well with different groups of people...called me a chameleon I believe. I change according to the group of people I am with, and while I think this is healthy to an extent, I have to be true to who I am at all times. I am not one person when I am with you and another person when I am with them. I am me. But, am I true to myself? Or, do I let my camouflage capabilities totally overpower my true colors? It will be interesting to see how my coming to understand how to be true to who I am will affect my relationship with Pam. It will probably be more stable because I won't feel like my worth is threatened by the way she treats me due to the way she perceives me. They say that you are who you think other people think you are. I want to apply this to the coach and not the team, I am who I think God thinks I am.

Oh Me

Today I feel this deep desire to love someone, but apparently not just anyone. There are people that I see everyday and like just fine, but feel compelled not to be around them. Maybe it is because I feel the shallowness of those relationships and don't wish to partake of the nonsense. Actually I find the nonsense quite hurtful today. I want to interact on a meaningful intimate level, and I find others' rejection of that or inability to do so disappointing. What do you do on days where you have so much love but no one to give it to? (I suppose) You pour it out to everyone! ...Kind genuine smiles, encouraging words, patience, empathy, take the time to see another's perspective, and so much more... Also on days where I have an overflow of love, it is more irritating than ever to see individuals doing things that are destructive to themselves. I think that is why it is so easy to go from having a day where you feel like you have so much love to give to a day where you hate the world and everything in it. It is all about disappointment, which comes from expectations. Days that start intense for me usually end intense, but in the opposite way. The line between love and hate is so fine, because they are both so passionate. I suppose it doesn't have to be a fine line that is easy to cross, it can just be a fine line. Like, if I am at positive infinity on the x-axis for love and the line to cross over to hate is the y-axis, then I likely will never make it to hate. I guess it has to do with whether my feelings of love are dependent on outside forces or if it is something totally from within or a higher power. If they are dependent on what I see in the world around me than my good feelings will be fickle and short lived and not real and not able to be appreciated by anyone, because they can't be counted on. If they are from an internal spring, independent of circumstances and the reception of others, than they (my overflowing feelings of love) are beneficial to the world and to myself. I don't think having one person to focus my love on, like a man or a child, would help me at all with these feelings. I think the disappointment would still be there at the end of the day, because of my inability to convey enough the affection I have for them, and because if my love is not received in a way I understand (or at all) then that is discouraging and hurtful. I guess that goes back to my love needing to come from an internal spring. This is something I need to concentrate on in my life. Allowing that internal spring to flow and overflow, and I know how to do this. God is Love.

An Emotional Day

There was a "Prayer Summit" at my church today...I didn't really know what it was about but I knew I wanted to go. Prayer is such an imitate thing, and to share that with others is one of the most fulfilling interactions I can imagine. "When we search for God, He brings us closer to each other."This is what an elder at my church told me before we began our adventure into understanding God today. It was perfect insight because I have feel feeling so utterly alone lately. I know there are people who love me, but what about understand me? My attempts to portray my fairytale prevent others from actually seeing the real me. Turns out we are all alone in our own ways. I also am homeless, there is no place where I am welcome truly as a loved part of a family, where I am "one of them." I may not have a place of rest on this earth, and I don't have a relationship of rest either, But I accept that. Jesus knew loneliness; who could possibly connect with Him on the level that He could connect? Even if He was always around people, no one could be intimate how He was intimate. He had no place to rest His head; He chose to do the will of His Father and travel from one place to another spreading the truth. My rest is in Him; He is my only home. I am blessed to be one chosen to share in His suffering in this way. I will be a gypsy with Him. It is freeing. I am no longer bound by place or person or thing. He is my Way and my destination and my map.

I have hurt people. My stepmom specifically. I don't know what to do. I want to bring honesty but I don't feel it will be received. I don't know how to feel or show love there. I feel remorse for the broken state of things. Maybe I can try to write her a letter, with no intention of giving it to her, and be completely honest in it and see what comes out. I am confused and lost here. I don't know how to have normal female relationships. I always feel judged and evaluated and like I have to be on the watch-out for subversive attacks. I want to unlearn these ways and be free to be me and love.

I need to show Pam that I see myself and my flaws and apologize for the ways those have affected and hurt her. I need to communicate my intentions of future behavior and interactions with her.

I am never confident to do anything unless someone else approves it for me first. What is this about?
Can I be done with this entry now? Okay, thanks!

Haha, to add to that last point, I might ask for your permission but if you tell me no, beware. What!? Another bad trait!? Never!

i wish that i could hook a cable up to my mind as i am falling asleep and have all my thoughts downloaded and recorded on my computer, and then have them deleted from my mind so i could just get to sleep!

 so i stayed home sick today, and let me tell you, i am! i think that today has shed a little perspective for me on what matters in life. there is no reason not to enjoy every day that we are given! we have to experience each day anyway, we might as well search out the little things that make this world a little brighter and she day in our lives and the lives of others. that is why it is so fun to see little kids playing and chasing each other and responding to the world around them. everything is stimulating and the world still holds so much wonder and delight. my focus is going back to that which brings me wonder and delight.

my cousin posted a link to this article on Facebook, and i took the time to read it today. it is quite good and is helping me to view marriage in a more accurate light. marriage is not about a fairytale, because  fairytales are based on perfection, while marriages involve people. can't have both. furthermore, people always change when they get married, but rather than that being some tragic thing, as sometimes i have thought, it is more like a natural occurrence. people get put in new situations and they change. nothing shocking there. however, if we expect marriage to be fulfilling because of the quality of the person we marry, we are fooling ourselves. my grandma told me that marriage is like putting two jagged rocks in a tumbler. they chip off the rough edges from each other until they become smooth. but even when you think all the rough edges are gone, there you find another one. i guess marriage could be God's refining tool for His people. anyway, i really like what this article has to say about what marriage is and what it is not.

I connected the link, jic: You Never Marry The Right Person

Moving Forward

I realize that as of late I have regressed emotionally to that of a high schooler. I am not ashamed; I think it is good every once in a while to lose yourself in emotion. However, I think I now need to start giving myself a little bit of direction and structure. I am allowing myself to be depressed and low energy and all of the bad things that come with that. Where is the light at the end of the tunnel? I feel like I need to change my circumstances-become a missionary in South America or something. But that is just my old tendencies to run away. Why do I think that would help? Wherever I go, I am still going to be there. My circumstances aren't what need to change, my perspective and my actions are what needs to change. I am focusing far too much on myself. What can I do to shed a little light in others' lives; what can I do to lighten someone else's load today? That is the only way that at the end of the day I will have felt worthwhile and like their was some kind of purpose to my existence this day. I need to be giving more than I am taking in this life, or else I am a drain and am helping to deteriorate the way things are rather than make things better. And then it would be better if I had never been born. What a waste and a shame that would be. I ought to start giving of myself.

Desert Places

i feel alone. lonely lonely lonely. my heart aches to have someone to connect with. i don't want to feel this way anymore. i turn to Christ because He is my Option. What if He was only an option. Would I still pick Him?


                      Desert Places
                    ~Robert Frost~
Snow falling and night falling fast, oh, fast In a field I looked into going past, And the ground almost covered smooth in snow, But a few weeds and stubble showing last. The woods around it have it--it is theirs. All animals are smothered in their lairs. I am too absent-spirited to count; The loneliness includes me unawares. And lonely as it is that loneliness Will be more lonely ere it will be less-- A blanker whiteness of benighted snow With no expression, nothing to express. They cannot scare me with their empty spaces Between stars--on stars where no human race is. I have it in me so much nearer home To scare myself with my own desert places.