Expectations...

Sometimes I feel so much pressure to be that person people expect me to be. Or maybe they don't expect it. I can't be happy all the time. But if I am not I let people down. I guess I like people who are real. Act sad when they are, show insecurities, etc. As long as they aren't extreme with there "downisms"... The fact remains that I have a lot to be thankful for and a God who promises me He will take care of my tomorrows so that I never have to worry. That seems like more than enough to make this a happy day.

On the value of Me

Secret motion sly little thoughts. you never deceive even tho you slither through my conscious O no no but you do deceive deceive so well i am deceived into believing i am not. how can i trust my own thoughts. i cannot. how can i believe my own eyes my own perceptions of reality. i cannot. what can i believe??? I can believe in a Love bigger than me, bigger than my thoughts, bigger than my perceptions. Circular reasoning yes. yet i still believe. there must be a Truth, or existence would not exist. Proof or deception? yes yet i still believe i have found the Source of Truth, and it is You.

Contentment

I am happy O so happy that life is never climaxed. There is always more to come. But for now, this is enough :)

Leona Lewis, thank you for "Better With Time."

HOPE!

Today, a miracle happened. No doubt it WAS a miracle... the miracle of an answered prayer! O Lord, I have been struggling! I can't remember how let myself feel loved by You, I can remember, but I can't grasp it. Finding good in myself is like trying to grasp a flake in bathwater-every attempt just pushes it farther away. Everything is vanity! Solomon's depression is inching into my heart. Give me hope Lord, give me a sign, show me you have something more for me than this burdened life that is my self-made prison! I have walled myself in and I can't reach the top of the ledge, I can see it from here, but there is just NO WAY to get there.
Then Today. TODAY! I can't take this anymore. I'm desperate! I see myself going where I was, and I AM SCARED. TO DEATH. In a desperate attempt, a pathetic attempt, a hopeless attempt to find, well... hope... I walk into Walgreens pharmacy. How much does it cost to get my anti-depressant prescription with no insurance? Ninety dollars. A month. NO WAY. Can't afford that, not even close. Oh wait, have you heard of our membership? NO... Twenty dollars annual membership fee, and you can get your prescription for eleven dollars a month.
THANK YOU LORD. I LOVE YOU COMPLETELY. I KNOW YOU MUST LOVE ME IN A SPECIAL SPECIAL WAY. I NEVER WANT TO LOSE YOU. NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER LEAVE ME, PLEASE. I NEED YOU.

Priorities...

Lately it is hard to keep my eyes on the goal, at least when hard times come. Am I smart enough to finish school, am I in the right field, will I do anything to make me special?? My conscience is in a swirl to discern the answers to these questions. I want to do well in school, but the effort exhausts me. Failure disheartens me. Five years in college! Failure! Out of shape, FAILURE! Never pretty enough, failure. The list goes on, and as I think of my short comings, I begin to feel sick. How can I ever take care of a family; how can I ever make my parents proud? I want to be a good person but I am so weak, so needy... When I step outside myself and do the things I want to do, life is good.

I feel my prison of a mental dependence on an external reassurance is prohibiting life from reaching me. No time for school work, must ___. No energy to work out, already ___. Hate my body, comfort myself by ___ing and un___ing. I must have my cake and eat it too... gluttony, selfishness, slave to my flesh.

But I am REASSURED in Romans that if I died with Christ than I am no longer a slave to my flesh. But I am enslaved to my flesh. Very enslaved. By choice? Perhaps... although I know I cannot free myself on my own. I DEFINITELY REQUIRE HELP! HELP ME, LORD! HELP ME! Save me from this pit of a life I am doomed to live in my current state. The air is contaminated, thick with despair. I cling to my self-reliance via vices that kill me and ruin my experience of life. I would submit to be shattered if the act would save me from myself.

Show me the way, give me the strength, give me the will. Give me YOUR WILL.