Things about me that I need to work on.

So, I don't like this entry. I like myself just fine the way I am. And I don't want to be changed, but I do. How honest can I be with myself concerning the problems with my character and behaviors (very interlinked, I know)? How much honesty can you take? Dare we continue this???

I am going to think about this all day, and talk to people about it, and get back to this tonight. I'm nervous. And I hope it turns out to be scandalous and appalling, because otherwise we know it isn't real.

Peace.


...To be honest, it is tonight, and I don't think I have anything real to write. Maybe tomorrow. This is bad. Lame-o Jame-o. lol.


3 January 2012

1. Fickle/lack of follow through

• "What do you think? A man had two sons. And he went to the first and said, 'Son, go and work in the vineyard today.' And he answered, 'I will not,' but afterward he changed his mind and went. And he went to the other son and said the same. And he answered, 'I go, sir,' but did not go. Which of the two did the will of his father?" Matthew 21:28-31

2. Procrastinate

3. Dislike for and rebellion towards authority

• "Remind them to be submissive to rulers and authorities, to be obedient, to be ready for every good work..." Titus 3:1

4. Rationalize things I know to be wrong

• "He shall confess his sin that he has committed,And he shall make full restitution for his wrong, adding a fifth to it and giving it to him to whom he did the wrong." Numbers 5:7
• "Therefore, confess your sins to another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working." James 5:16

5. Pass on pain

6. Allow anger to consume me

• "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things." Philippians 4:8
• "Do not be overcome with evil, but be overcome with good." Romans 12:21

7. Place blame (play the victim)

8. Respond in kind to passive aggressiveness (is this the same as passing on pain?)

• "If your enemy is hungry, feed him. If he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing so you will heap burning coals of shame on his head." Romans 12:20

9. Try to distract myself rather than deal with the issue

10. Get lonely

11. Get bored

12. Don't like being corrected.

• "Whoever loves discipline loves knowledge, but whoever hates reproof is stupid." Proverbs 12:1

I am starting to annoy myself.

Having read through this and having done some intro and retrospection, I realize that I am in a place emotionally similar to where I was in high school. A humbling realization. I am stirred up inside and have a cloud in my heart. I came to the conclusion at one point in my life that thinking “too much” is what leads to depression. I still feel like thinking a lot leads me to have this “cloud” in my heart, but maybe it is because I am going about it in the wrong way. I want to evaluate things honestly and objectively, not with rainbows and not with charcoal. Perhaps I am still looking for the reasonable set of lenses. I am tired of overly cheerful and illogical BS, but I also have no tolerance for downers who look at life as a hopeless series of events. I see light, and I see darkness. I realize that when you turn on a light the darkness is vanquished…and you don’t get darkness back by adding something, you get darkness back by removing something, and that something is light. Light overcomes the darkness; truth overcomes lies. I want to love someone, truly love someone. A friend, a family member, a man, anyone but myself. I want to put someone before me. I suppose that I one need that Christ should fill in my life. (and SEE, this is just another way that Christianity fulfills basic human needs…it is a struggle of the chicken or the egg. Did Christianity get invented to meet these needs, or do these needs exist bc we were created to intrinsically need to turn to our Creator)

When I have situations in my life that I need to address, I like to talk to people to try to understand what the best course of action is. However, how can I know what the best course of action is without understanding the nature of the situation first? I feel that a lot of my experience, in discussing things like this with Christians, I get fix-it-quick solutions that rely heavily on God intervening in a mighty way. When I talk with my non-Christian friends I feel like they seek to understand before solve. This could be because most of my Christian friends are baby Christians…My Dad wants me to seek understanding of myself and of others and of my interactions with others. He explicitly told me on Monday that he doesn’t want God to swoop in and fix the symptoms, he wants the root issue to be understood and addressed. “Pray to understand the root.” Is that kinda like King Solomon praying for wisdom?? Kinda/

On Christmas Eve night, my family and I watched “It’s A Wonderful Life.” It got me thinking…In a hundred and sixty years from now (or two lifetimes from now), if I had never been born, would the world look any different? I don’t want to dedicate my life to some cause or try to do these big good things in some vain attempt to matter.  It would be nice to matter, to create some kind of positive cycle that lasted and affected the lives of others long after I am gone. But, do I need that hope in order to be content that life is worth living? Can I accept that perhaps I am completely insignificant for any period longer than my life? I think it is obvious that everyone creates ripples in their own time with the people they interact with and etc, but that could only be a moment and not something that is lasting or creates movement. It would be nice to be able to see that the world of a handful of people has more love in it because I was around at one point in the spectrum of time. Lol. Purpose, significance. Why do they matter!? They keep me wanting to do the right thing. What are other reasons to do the right thing? Purely because they are the right thing, because the right thing keeps civilization civilized. Why do I care about whether or not things are civilized? Because I want to know what to expect--I rely on and enjoy the structure and safety that civilization provides.

My dear friend Mark has told me about these 5 levels of secrets that he read in a book somewhere, and apparently agrees with, since he remembers them so well and uses them to help me understand people.

5 Levels of Secrets

5. Secrets you can’t admit to a complete stranger.

4. Secrets you can’t admit to an average friend.

3. Secrets you can’t admit to close family and friends.

2. Secrets you can’t admit to your spouse.

1. Secrets you can’t admit to yourself (stuff you deny or a painful truth you haven’t accepted yet).

I shared these with another friend of mine, mostly because I was curious how he would respond to them, but there were other motivations mixed in there as well. He said that the reason “we can’t admit” these secrets is because we don’t want to ruin the other person’s “fairytale”  … because ruining their fairytale also ruins our own fairytale. In essence, the “fairytale” world we try to live in is full of lies and deceit THAT WE CHOSE AND ACCEPT so that we can be comfortable. I also remember this friend telling me that he believes in “comforting the disturbed and disturbing the comforted.” In some ways I agree with this, but seriously, what if this pretend world is (ironically) the only thing holding a person from breaking? I suppose that person is disturbed in their own way. Truth is the only way to have real peace, because you don’t have to worry about the story … It is what it is.

THAT is comforting, because it is out of my hands (and so not my faul???). That is ironic, too.

What are my level one secrets? I KNOW that I want to be understood but not managed, not controlled. Are these the roots? Those things make me feel incompetent and belittled and insufficient. I suppose if I was really confident in my own abilities I would not respond so violently to people trying to control me, because I would know that they could not and I would have no need to overreact. From my words in a text, “I need to stop worrying about resisting people who try to manage me and just live.” I was told that “just living” is a key term in my life. What does this MEAN???

I want to live, not just live.

I WANT TO LIVE!!!

None of those seem like level one secrets. Maybe I don’t have any? Maybe you only have level one secrets at certain points in your life, then you get strong and face them and even share them and then they become level whatever secrets. Honestly, I feel like there is not a whole lot of stuff I wouldn’t share with a complete stranger. Who cares, you will likely not see them again, and maybe they can shed a little light. Although, if I will continue to get to know them, maybe I wouldn’t want to tell them my secrets because who knows who they will share with and then those other people’s images of me (false images/fairytales) will be ruined and then my image of myself (false image/fairytale) would be ruined because I could no longer pretend it was true if no one else was playing along. Here I am talking about broken fairytales again. How would the world be different if we were all completely honest and upfront and transparent? Would the world function at all? Would it be better? 

I miss Mary and Morandi - voices of reason and humor and love!

Fate has played its hand so cruel, there is nothing I can do...

Oh Ray LaMontagne, don't play the victim! Fate may be cruel, but that is only reality if you chose it to be so :). Every heart break is a chance to learn how to love better and creates an opportunity to learn how to be more empathetic towards other people! I feel like being around my stepmom makes me into someone who rots inside, but I can't avoid her if I want to be part of my family as a family unit. Although, I think things might be better if I interacted with my family members more on an individual basis rather than a unit basis. First, I will know them each better as a person. Second, I am not sure that I believe my family can ever function as a unit with me as part of it. I don't say that with sadness, I say it with insight and acceptance. I seem to bring destruction to whatever party I am with--Mom's family or Pam's family. Both are ripped up when I am around. I cause too much turbulence, and I don't even try to do so. If I am honest with myself then I have to admit that I only partially mind this. It is like my presence creates an uproar for a power struggle with Pam, with my mother it creates an awareness in her of her own shortcomings (and so she tries to subdue me through breaking me by rejecting me, devaluing me, and showing me that she doesn't need me). I will not be broken by you. I am willing to break myself, but you will not tame me and you will not be my master. My spirit will remain defiant until you stop trying to defeat me. I will fly even with a broken wing. I refuse to be subject to the unreasonable whims of another woman. I feel like I ruin the worlds of my families because I bring conflict due to a different perspective and say because I communicate my perspective. So be it. If I have to go without mothers than I can deal. I have a father who is reasonable and can appreciate my mind, even if he disagrees with it from time to time (or often :P). I feel unsettled and riled up and excited but also alone. I believe in the win-win-win situations. I think this will come through me beginning to be true to myself and not agreeing to sometimes walk on eggshells for these powerful women in my life, and then other times being defiant (and rightfully so). Everyone needs consistency, even those who are heads over us. So, I shall be consistent. I shall consistently say what I think in a respectful but 100% honest way.

Now, I need to define what "100% honest" means. We all know that omissions yield ideas that are not complete truths...sometimes. But, sometimes omissions simply prevent hurt. Like, I don't need to tell someone that I think they are self-righteous and spiteful... There is such a thing as tact. And, by tact, I do NOT mean political correctness!!! So maybe that wouldn't be me omitting a part of the truth, maybe that would be more appropriately stated as me saying the truth "in love". Kinda...more like out of self-preservation?? (giggled to myself...) NoNo. It has to be out of love. Also, repeatedly saying the same things is pointless, especially if the words are meant to point out a flaw in the other person. Speaking of pointing out flaws in others, I should probably work on my own flaws first...BUT SHE ALWAYS THINKS I AM THE ONE IN ALL THE WRONG AND WITH ALL THE PROBLEMS!!! I want to shed a little light for her on exactly how shitty of a person she is...But she will never see it even if I hit her over the head with a sledge hammer of truth. Plus, it isn't my place to change her. I suppose my next blog should be about the things I need to work on in myself. Fine. I'm quite pissed about this.

ben, my CA this summer at institute, sent me and email and asked me how first semester went. Here is my response. (Yes, ben does not capitalize his name.)

First semester...It was a roller coaster! There were so many emotional highs and lows from feeling loved and then disdained by my students. It is funny how high schoolers are so passionate and so easily swayed by the tiniest of actions. I have come to the realization that my students can absolutely tell when I am being real with them and when I'm not; I forgot how in-tune to that kind of stuff I was when I was in high school, before the games of the world became so ingrained in my behavior and perceptions. I definitely like who my students are shaping me to be. Professionally I have also had many ups and downs, from days when everything goes so much better than planned to days that I thought were going to rock but turned out to be almost the breaking point of my sanity. I was sad to leave for break because I knew I wouldn't get to see my kids again for two weeks. Now I am a little nervous about all of the unknowns that will happen in their lives over break, and how we will all come back together and start working again as a unit. Teaching is a whole new level of leadership...I feel like I have to be able to move/transition with the thoughts of each of my students...beautiful but nearly impossible...!!! Anyway, I love my students and I like teaching and I am excited/curious/terrified (at different times, and sometimes all at the same time) about what the future holds :).

"I'm not much for the show."

I think I just realized why I am diametrically opposed to fancy showy things in a home. I think it is because my mother focused so much on having nice things and appearing to be well off, like it made us better people. She also put a lot of emphasis on appearing to be good when the rest of our family or friends were around. Now I associate nice shows of wealth as trying to get other people to think that you are better than them. I take this disdain too far by not valuing keeping my room straightened up and etc. I like things to be clean because that is healthy and respectful, but keeping things neat feels unneeded and aggravates me. My stepmom asked me to set the table just now, which I happily did. Then she realized that there were a few crumbs on the table cloth and said, "Oh, maybe we should have shook the table cloth off first." I said that it would be fine, and my dad, overhearing the conversation, said that he would take the table cloth outside and shake it. This annoyed me because the table which I had just set was now being unset, and why in the world does it matter at all if there are crumbs on the table cloth. Get real. At least the  obnoxious gold rimmed saucers are not being brought out. Those goddy things make me want to eat off the floor. I understand that shaking off the table cloth is a fine thing to do; it was technically dirty. I suppose it also annoys me because I said it was fine and that decision wasn't good enough. But also, I have seen so many one-uppings in this house that I am overly sensitive to it, creating offenses where there really are none. I do think that today will be a nice day, but I had to get this out before it went any further in me head. Family time shapes me to be a better person by forcing me to overcome the worst in me. Garr, just chill Lara. chee. 

Of course not all of this is to blame on my mother, it is my choice how I respond to the different stimuli in my life. 

I wish we had been able to have EVEN ONE honest conversation of substance, but alas, we don't know each other at all.

Christmas is a miserable time of year. It is such a drag that one person can just muddle the whole dynamic of a group. Why do you punish all of us but not tell us what you are punishing us for. Your passive aggressive efforts to communicate that something is wrong are ridiculous and pathetic and hurtful and annoying and make me feel violent at times. I refuse to ask you what is wrong when you behave this way, because I feel that is only encouraging that behavior by giving you attention. If you are hurt or mad about something then SAY IT. Don't create this maze of anger and darkness that no one can navigate except you. Actually, I stopped carrying to even try to figure out your games years ago. How do I find joy when your presence is so pervasive and in my face. I want to ignore you and pretend like you aren't there (half out of spite and half out of self preservation), like a child covering her eyes and believing the scary thing can't see her because she can't see it. I want to act kind and happy, but I also hate being fake. There has to be a balance somewhere.

I need to get to a place where I don't feel like I am holding back a negative response to everything you say. This probably means I need to not take your rude, disrespectful, and often flat out bitchy remarks personally. It also means that I need to not feel jaded when you make rules that are illogical and/or that are micro-managing things that don't matter. It also means I need to control my anger when you raise your voice at those I care about.

Or maybe you should just change who you are.

But we both know that is never going to happen because you are unwilling to examine yourself critically, ever, even a little. This is probably one of the reasons that you are one of the two most emotionally immature people I have ever met.

I understand that people are the way they are because of the way they interpreted things that happened to them or around them in the past. I don't care. Realize that you chose the wrong/negative/damaging response, that your perceptions are jaded, the world is not against you, and you don't have it worse than anyone else. Build a bridge, get over it, and be f*ing nice.

Comments on my last post

"I will question my beliefs. I will seek out answers...from people on both sides of the fence."

This raises questions in me. Seeking out answers from "one side of the fence" sounds like circular reasoning to me. But what if one side of the fence is absolute truth. Then it is silly to ask anyone in another pasture. I guess this is the quest, to find the right pasture. There can only be one. My experiences have told me I have discovered the true field, or it was revealed to me, but I will continue to address doubts when they arise, without fear of what I am to uncover.

today, on a paper sac, sitting in the coffee shop.

I need to challenge myself -- challenge myself to think, and to preserve those thoughts through writing. What is the point in thinking if you can't remember your thoughts? If these things are important now, they will certainly be important again later. Or, maybe it isn't an issue of time, but of making my thoughts and thus my mind and essence available to others. There is nothing that I want so much as to be known and then accepted.

On Faith
I think there are those, and a few who are close to me, who would say that if you question your faith, then you don't have faith at all, and you are not really saved. Frankly, I disagree. I truly believe that everyone questions the validity, the absolute truth, of their faith. Not just once, but multiple times of life. What I think is bad is when we are too scared to face those questions, and so ignore them, deny them, trivialize them, or "answer" them with sub-par rationalizations. I will question my beliefs. I will seek out answers...from people on both sides of the fence. I will have moments of doubt, and I will not deny that. From these I will grow to have a better understanding of truth...Because that is what we all want... truth...

Why do we all want truth? We want security. We want to know what to expect, and we don't want to be caught off guard.

I love stories. I love people's stories; I love fairytales. I love happy endings and tragic endings, and I love "to be continued"s. I believe in the power of hope. I see the beauty of birth, of sickness, of health, and of death. I find simplicity more appealing than money. I value relationships but I can't sit still long enough to let someone know me. I pretend to hate rules, but really I like to know where the boundaries are so that I can get the thrill of sticking my toes over them, or plow over them head first. I need rules. Ugh, I Hate that I just said that.

Birth - I don't think that bringing another soul into this world is beautiful. I see this life too much as pain and brokenness to warrant putting another through it. Birth is beautiful because of the purity and innocence of a fresh heart.

Sickness - We never feel in such desperate connectedness with our bodies until we are ill. It is when people have cancer or some other intense debilitating experience that they, their minds, and they, their bodies, become one.

Health - It is when we are healthy that we can enjoy life--that we can jump, skip, climb trees, go on walks, hold hands, cuddle, stay up late, get up early, smell the flowers and leaves and rain, enjoy the touch of a breeze, give of ourselves for the sake of another.

Death - Death is the ceasing of the pain of this life. Also, if death is not a surprise, or even if it is, the intensity of emotion and of love felt and expressed is itself beautiful--to feel so much.

truth hurts, sometimes

family

What would I be like if I was loved unconditionally by one person? What if there was someone who I knew was not going to love me less if I made decisions that they didn't agree with? I think that  the type of person who can do that, if they exist, is the type of person that I want to be. I don't want to force myself on people and I don't want to back away from people who see things differently than me. I think that I can learn from people who are unlike me. And probably the reverse is true, too. However, people only learn when they are seeking to learn, not when someone decides to teach.

I feel afraid of stepping out of my boxes because I don't want to lose approval. Why? The fear of losing approval, I suppose, is directly related to the fear of being alone. If I don't have approval then I don't belong with the group, whether it be with other people my age, my co-workers, my family, etc. Why do I fear being alone? I think that when people are alone they have only themselves to focus on, and then they get selfish and miserable and are never satisfied. But then again, people don't ostracize others for being just a little weird or making a few disagreeable decisions. And if you do make enough "bad" decisions for a specific group of people to not want to be around you anymore, then there is sure to be another group of people who do approve of the decisions you make and make similar decisions themselves. So I must be wanting to please a specific group of people. What group do I not want to be shunned from, or at least not lose status in? Is it even wrong to chose a certain life so that I can fit in with these people that I want so much? Many would say yes, some would say no. Either way, I need to be honest with myself about why I chose what I chose, and then decide if I still want to chose it.

Mitakuye Oyasin

I am beginning to feel this way. I like being in communities where I know everyone and everyone knows me. I liked my small high school, I liked my small department at my college, I liked my small church, I like my small community. I like being part of something bigger than myself. I know that if I sit in a room by myself and don't touch the lives of others then my life has been essentially pointless. Likewise, if I only interact on surface level with people then I haven't really touched anyone's life at all. Small settings draw me in because we all rely on each other for something. We share many things...space, friends, hard times,  exciting news, disappointment, time.

We are all related. I believe in the truth of this statement. We are all from the same Creator. I like how being able to connect with people of different walks in life brings me to a new place within myself. Looking into life from someone else's angle sheds light in totally knew ways, revealing what was hidden in the shadows of my perspective. Today at All Corps, we read a letter from a student who graduated from TCHS last year and is now at UPenn. He told us not to feel pressure, that Rosebud is just one of those places that needs a little extra light shed on it, like a lot of other places such as Philly "gheeze." He said that he "truly looks up to" those of us who "go to less bright places trying to make a difference." I want to make a difference, but what does it mean to make a difference? I might be putting a positive moment in these kids' lives, but are there lives put on a better course by the things I say and do? Am I settling for good enough? How much do I care?

Where I'm From

I am from powder,

existing to cover imperfections

freely blown with the wind

slipping through your fingers when too tightly grasped

I am from powder.

I am from silence,

tearing apart relationships through encroaching too much 

creating more than ripples than can be known

sharing truth without pretenses 

I am from silence.

I am from expectations,

conforming to mediocrity

withholding acceptance when the mold is not fit

uncovering truth by escaping boxes I don't fit inside

I am from expectations. 

I am from the middle ground,

winning neither game 

partially living and partially hiding

appearing balanced by the jaded scale

I am from the middle ground. 

I am from my heart,

a place where there is space

and company

I am from my heart.


no excuses

many places

Yesterday I decided that I was going to focus on connecting with my students rather than on trying to make them stay on task and learn. I think connecting with them worked better for both purposes. A student whom I have literally never seen smile smiled a ton, just a big ole consuming grin. It was so real, like he was on the verge of laughing. I saw him in the hall later and he looked the same way. I started to wonder if he was on something, but his eyes seemed genuine and lucid. Maybe something really encouraging and heart warming happened in his life. Maybe a loved one came back. Either way, it REALLY made my day.

I also had my first ever bi-annual evaluation of my teaching. Ms. D. stayed for the whole period but she is only required by government to stay for half an hour. That is 50 minutes longer than required. After class she told me I had improved a ton from the beginning of the year. Gosh let's hope so!!! Anyway, that was nice to hear and I know it is true. I have people like Mindi and Dennis to thank for that. Regardless of the positive feedback, I know that I have a lot of critiquing coming my way. I hope that I can be constructive with it. I want my class to be a fun place to be. Yesterday I heard one girl say she wanted to transfer out and another boy tell her he already tried that. Then I had another girl say in passing that she hopes she is in my algebra one class next semester. Why the difference in opinion?

I did zero work last night and I have done zero work this morning. Why? Because it feels trivial. Why?

I also need to deal with this internal tearing I have between being open-minded and being convicted about my faith. Instead of delving into the problem and reading up on things in the Bible and non-Christian stuff, I have just been ignoring both sides of the issue. That is a gross place to be. Fix it.

NO POST

So sometimes I write things in my blog that I don't want anyone else to read. I type them up and then save them as drafts, titling them "NO POST" so that I don't accidentally go and post them. Reading through my "NO POST"s right now, I have decided that I actually DO want to post this one. It is pretty raw and not something I would generally want to share, thus why I am sharing it. I think it is healthy to be able to share the hard things and the things I might receive guff or pity for. I don't want to hide the struggles in my life. I think it was right for me to write this as a "NO POST" at the time, because I don't know that I could have been honest in the words written had I believed they would ever get posted and so shared with another human being.

-----------------------------

right now i am in conflict about the very things i have based the essence of myself on...my faith and my ability to think for myself. every time someone presents a persuasive argument i am swayed by them. this is funny because my dad says that i am stubborn and wont give up my side without due persuasion. but really, i am weak when it comes to standing my ground. i struggle to see the line between being reasonable and open minded and being fickle and loose of convictions.  right now my faith is being questioned by others. i am surrounded by people who believe something contrary to what i have been taught to believe and what i have chosen to believe. and i have been prepared for this moment, have been warned that it would come. and it is not like it has  never come before. actually i feel like the last time this happened, where i was questioned this intensely about my beliefs, I gave in on them and cast my faith aside because I was convinced out of my beliefs, or maybe i was no longer convinced by them. now another comes along who questions my beliefs and i feel vulnerable about them again. this is where i struggle. i want to be open minded but i don't want to be swayed by the slightest breeze. and i feel like i am being swayed by the slightest breeze. am i wanting to please another fickle soul, or am i seeing a truth being presented? what is this? what happens if my faith isn't true? how will i live, how will i find meaning, how will i be happy? what if my faith is true; will i be able to keep doing what i am doing; will i be able to defend my faith to others in a way that isn't foolishness? so many more questions need to be asked. for tonight i rest in this...that i am confused, but the truth finds a way. well, that is debateable now... but i will continue to search it out. or maybe i am just beginning my search. i may find what i already have; or, i don't like to say this, but... i may not... either way, i am now actively pursuing understanding of the TRUTH about ....TRUTH.

Excerpt from one of my high school diaries...I was a sophomore...March 18, 2004

"The beauty of God's love fills my days with joy." Although it is hard to admit, it is true. The unconditional love of my Creator and the beauty he produced because of that love are my only joys in life. Everything else falls away. Men fall away. Friends fall away. Family falls away. Everything you think you can rely on...it all falls. No matter what I do to God, He keeps on loving me. With people, all it takes is someone else to come along or some problem to come up that they don't want to deal with an they're gone. Gone Gone Gone. It is a sad thing I know, but I don't feel sad. I feel a nothing that is every something I can't explain. My problem is not that people leave me, it is that I drive them away. Why I do this I don't know. Maybe it is because I want them to be so loyal to me, to know me so well, that they know that I am doing it to test their love. So far in my life only one person has truly stood by me though this all. I have been so angry lately, I just can't contain myself. Some people that I thought were good friends I now have my doubts about. How can a person be so ununderstanding and uncompassionate towards another person. To have someone that you thought cared about you blow off some of your deepest most personal feelings; to have then just say they're typical response of "what can you do?", or in this case, "cute." How completely annoying and crushing. One possible true friend eliminated. Shows how well they know me. Taylor wrote this poem last week that completely or at least completely accurately explains life. I guess life can never be completely explained, but it can be explained completely accurately. This world is shit,. God made it perfect and we fucked it up. What can you do??? The answer is nothing, no, I can do sonething. But how. But what. What is the reason. What is the purpose, the motivation. How do you un-fuck something that is already fucked? How do you turn shit into gold? I'm o alchemist but I'm sure it can be done.

so much life is wasted.
without love there's nothing.
only the world
and the world is fucked
and so am i.

without love life is a waste.
life is nothing without love
an nothing is a waste.

the world is waste
and so am i.
until i choose love
i'm fucked for life.

I think maybe I have been angry lately because someone that I thought a lot of let me down. Maybe that isn't the right way to put it. I know this person has a lot of their own problems...even if they can't or won't admit that. And I love this person. I love because of their humanity, I love because they are people, a person. I love for the sake of loving, I love because everyone deserves to be loved. Therefore, I love them and their friends and their enemies. But I, I was not loved. not as a person, not because I am a person. I must admit though, I am not a person that is easy to love. So I respect them for trying and I forgive them for failing. Maybe they need to love themselves first. Some people need that. I honesty hope this person can learn to love, because love is a choice. And I am looking forward to a continuing friendship and I can't wait to see them learn to love.

Okay, I just read over that and to tell the truth it is a bunch of mushy bull shit. (Only the last part is true, start with "I am not easy to love.") That is how it should be and how it isn't. I am angry because I lost. And I lose too often. And I hate losing. I suck at losing. I am a bad loser.

I feel abandoned and alone and all I want is to be safe. Sometimes I just want someone to cover my eyes and hold my hand and lead me through. i guess that is kind of God's job. Maybe one of these days I'll let him do it. Maybe...

Random Compilation of Thoughts

This is the morning after Thanksgiving break. I earlier I felt sick, so I took a shower and went back to bed. It wasn't the kind of sick where you think you might be coming down with something, it was more like a knot in the pit of my stomach. I would definitely say it crossed the line into nausea. Why am I so opposed to work? I love my job; maybe I am nervous about my performance? That is probably it - classroom management. Anyway, now that I am through the logistics...

This lonnnnng weekend was some good thinking time for me. I got together with my friend Tia, and we smoked hookah together for two hours while discussing the ins-and-outs of what it is that makes relationships last or fail. Relationships - romantic or otherwise - are so multifaceted and dynamic and unique from one another that they are impossible to comprehend entirely. I simplify things in my head and narrow my perspective to things that I have seen fail in my experiences and things that I have seen work in the experiences of those around me (Kaitlin and Bekah). I also like to dissect what I see in movies ("What Dreams May Come").

respect for space when people ask for it
not abusing the request for space
stop learning each other everyday
choosing each other every day
having loaded expectations verses serving another person
self-medicating and passing on pain

i want to be challenged in my faith to search out truth and grow stronger in it and be more edified. i don't want to constantsly have it torn at by my closest friend, the world does that enough. i want my closest friend to build me up in my faith and give me encrouragement and support and give me the hunger to have a deeper relationship with Christ.

i say i hate rules but i allow myself to be in a box, to fit a mold. i may be just contraversial enough to give myself some moving space within that box, but i am still in that box. really, how do you not have a box? everyone has a box, but our boxes are just made out of different materials and have different shapes. no one is box free. that is why we put God in a box and limit Him, because we know nothing else. Maybe if I can take God out of the box I made for Him I can begin to escape my own box. I have a friend who thinks my box is Christianity. Maybe he is right. I tend to think that my box is Christianity, in the sense that I focus more on my behavior than on my RELATIONSHIP with Jesus. Is a relationship a box? No. Is dictated behavior a box? Yes, because it restricts my living. Does a relationship with Jesus restrict my behavior, well yes. He calls me to die to the flesh. I want to escape these built in responses and look for deeper meaning, and then hopefully they will connect back with  what I know to be true. I know I am limiting my thoughts by staying in the bounds of Christianity, but that is what I choose.

Thanksgiving Morning, 11-24-2011

It is funny how we should show respect to members of our family first and foremost, yet we are rude and mean spirited to them more than anyone else. Perhaps because we know that they "will always be there" and, hypothetically, we just have to keep "dealing with" each other. Do we really want anyone, even family, to feel obligated to "deal with" us? Imagine if we as family members spoke to each other with the same respect we wanted to be treated with, and what if we were all genuine in the way we spoke to one another? What if we spent less energy in a frantic "everything must be perfect, I am too busy to think about how what I am doing makes you feel" mode? How would this place look different? I have been letting my disappointment and hurt (over my needs not being met) taint the way I am thinking of others in my head and thus also tainting my words towards them. Lord, I need Your help. Help me see outside my own perspective and understand my interactions and other people's actions more as You see them. You see all angles, Lord, help me to understand.

Harmony in Heartache and Happiness

So I was thinking about what my intention is when I read God's word. Is it to understand myself better, to understand others better, or to understand God better? Truthfully it is probably all of the above, but I don't want to primarily seek to understand the nature of man because I know that we are so fickle and ever changing. I want to know God, and through knowing Him and His character I will better understand myself and my fellow human beings, because we are made in His image. We crave relationship because we were made to need it like God has it, and so it is good. God is always in perfect and full and completely and utterly intimate relationship with Himself, like in the Shack :) Papa, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit (whatever, I don't remember what they call it in the book). I also realize that another person can never fully meet my need for an intimate relationship, because they too are looking to get something from the relationship. We never have perfect "communion" with each other as people because we are blocked from each other by our fears and our innate need to have our (emotional) needs met, rather than always seeking to understand and support the other. That being said, I look forward to the day when I meet my Father in heaven and I can feel His presence (love) in every dimension of my being. And I am so thankful for all the ways that He lets me experience Him now. At this moment I am thankful that His promises give me joy that surpasses my circumstances.

i-don't-know-what-to-title-this

I am a very greedy person, and I base much of my self-worth on how much other people want to be around me. And, I try to get people to want to be around me by flirting or making jokes or by being pretty. I am trying to change this by not wearing make-up, by having conversations that focus more on things that matter, and by giving away my excess. Giving away my excess is something that I have done before, but then I always buy it back. Lame. I am making a poor teacher's salary, but I know compared to most of the world I am rich. Why should I be as needy as I am for my "stuff"? I have, like, 30 sweatshirts. Ridiculous. Christ says it is harder for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of heaven than it is for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle. Well, I might not be rich by American standards, but by world standards and as measured by how attached I am to my stuff, I am rich. How willing am I to walk away from everything when/if I am called to do so? I have these two pairs of adorable jeans with decked out back pockets, drawing attention to we-all-know-what. They are also tight jeans. GtG. Fo Sho. Ugh! I am so weighed down by giving this stuff away, and I know I should be joyful to give! It is one of those things, where, do I wait to give it away until I am more okay with it, or do I give it away and then feel the release of bondage? This is lots of rambling...too much rambling, but I am going to keep going. I also have about 30 pairs of shoes. Some are high heels I will never wear again. Some are high heels that make me look sexy that I should never wear again. Why keep them? What do they bring to my life? Stats from having so much...attention for sexiness that I shouldn't want, because I so strongly want to be loved for me, chains to possessions...

I am quick to frustration.
I am quick to doubt.
I am quick to offense.
I am quick to join in on downer conversations.
I am quick to wanting what others have.

I need God's love. I don't know how to be okay and love myself with out Him. Thank God for God :D. He is my strength, and because of the truth of what this world is and what His kingdom is, I have the strength to live for Him in ways that are pleasing to Him. How do I move to putting God first, ALWAYS? I have been lukewarm drifting towards cold. I want passion. And, I suppose if that is what I really want, then that is what I will seek out. So...maybe I want to want passion? I think maybe my problem is that I am standing at the top of a hill, on one side is the steep slope of passionately serving Christ, and the other side has the gentle slope of the easy road. I need to move myself, start the motion. The steep slope will help me keep going.

reflections after visiting two other math classrooms on rosebud

Today I was out of the classroom for "district growth" purposes. I went to a nearby country school and observed a 6-8 grade math classroom from 8:30 until 11:15, and then observed an 8th grade math classroom from 12:20 until 1:30. It was interesting to see the different dynamics in the rooms. I feel like my classroom is more like the pure 8th grade classroom structure wise, but I learned equally as much about teaching from the multi-grade room.

Multi-grade had lots of little workshop stations and a high energy level. I would classify the teacher as more "excited" about math rather than "serious" about it, which I think is good. I have drifted more towards the serious drill sergeant side, and that is not conducive to students being excited learners. The multi-grade room had a large focus on discovering concepts through activities such as measuring the circumference of different objects around the gym and using that to help them find diameter, cutting apart a piece of paper to see exponential growth, and relating the area of a triangle to the area of a rectangle in order to observe where the 1/2 comes from in the formula for the area of a triangle. I feel that this "discovery learning" is very valuable and leads to a more intuitive understanding of the material, thus increasing retention of knowledge. However, I wonder about the time consuming nature of learning by discovering...It seems to me that students should get lots of practice working with different kinds of problems in order that they might be able to solve problems quickly and efficiently. Not only does discovery learning take a long time to convey the intended concept, but also students don't get very fast at preforming certain tasks at a high level of accuracy. They need to get enough practice so that they don't have to re-discover a concept over and over and over again. Discovery learning is critical thinking at its best; I do LOVE that. Also, students doing discovery learning seemed to be highly invested in their work and were curious learners. They helped one another learn and asked each other math questions.

The pure 8th grade class was one day ahead of the multi-grade. They did the lesson using cutting of paper to discover exponential growth yesterday, which appeared to have been an introduction to a new unit. In this class, the teacher showed a picture and a video of a roller coaster in order to get at the idea of slope.  They then used a table they had made the previous day to plot some points on a graph, which turned out to be an exponential curve. The class related this curve back to the shape of the roller coaster, and then made posters of what they had already graphed in their notebooks (?). After working on the posters(but not completing them-they will get a few minutes at the beginning of class tomorrow to finish), they came back together as a class and the students came up with an equation that represented the tables that they used to make their graphs. The students came up with an idea for the equation that was outside of what the teacher had planned, but he was able to adopt his plan and use the totally valid equation students came up with.

Things that I gleaned from today:

1. It is important for students to have feedback on their work. Having a station in the room where students can go to check their answer is a way for students to practice their work correctly, and not just practice doing a process wrong over and over again because they were not told it was wrong. 
2. Having students observe their own class and give feedback on what is going well and what needs to be improved is a way that they can take ownership for whether classroom behavior contributing to or distracting from student learning. 
3. Writing in math notebooks, expressing how they are feeling about math or school in general, is a constructive and mutually beneficial way for me to get to know my students. 
4. Students need variety during their day. Their minds need to think about different applications of math over our 80 minute blocks in order to stay interested and hard-working for such a long period of time.
5. Students should feel proud of their notebooks and feel that they are a tool that they know how to use. Notebooks can be used as a resource during tests. 
6. Lowering your voice and whispering works better for getting classroom attention than does raising your voice. 
7. When you are asking for students to raise their hands to volunteer information, it seems to encourage them if you raise your own hand. 

Veteran's Day weekend, 2011

Why do we take the time to write our thoughts down? Because we want to clarify things to ourselves? Because we want others to know us? Maybe because we want to preserve ourselves, so that when we are no longer around our thoughts still are...

I want to be beautiful on the inside, full of light-heartedness, empty of judgement towards others, and not shaken by the judgement of others towards myself. I want to work on Lara and transform her into a gentle, kind, and thoughtful woman, who is more concerned about what her actions and her words create (in the long term and in the moment) in the minds and hearts of others than she is about what others think of her. I know that if I put a ton of effort into making myself beautiful on the inside then my level of investment in who I am will make me more susceptible to not receive criticisms of myself well. I must remain vigilant to seek out and receive constructive criticisms, keeping myself humble and minimizing pride, and also encouraging a spirit of continuous improvement of myself.

Self-improvement requires me taking time to investigate myself, and requires the pain of admitting negative things about myself and admitting the shadow it casts on the lives of others. It takes the hard work of fixing parts of me that I use as crutches, of wading through and dealing with the pain that my crutches help me escape. And by dealing with I mean understanding root causes, accepting my mistakes and self-inflicted losses and destruction, fixing by finding new ways to live and experience, moving on by no longer engaging in my coping strategies.


To Come: My Experience with Corporate Worship, New Life Church, CO Springs

Parent Teacher Conferences - Free Cookies and Coffee, for once, just isn't cuttin it.

So I am sitting here at my first ever REAL parent teacher conference...I am on the teacher end, of course :). I say "real" parent teacher conference because the school had one at the beginning of the year, but (for the entire three hours) I only had one parent show up, and it was the mother of a girl whose father is a security guard at the school. I have had six parents show up tonight, and we are only beginning the third hour of our 5 hour conference schedule. A huge improvement from my previous experience. (My enthusiasm must be shining through.) I have so many things I could be doing right now while I am waiting here in my room to confer with parents... Lesson plans for the week are due every Monday at 8 am. So far I have submitted the ones for today (already happened) and tomorrow. I will get right on that...cough. No, I seriously will. After I vent/express myself a little on virtual paper. Please, I have priorities.

You know, you would think that being a teacher is an easy job. Work from 8 till 4, get the summers off, get to hang-out with kids all day. What isn't to love, right? Well it isn't all as peachy as it seems...

...Professional development meetings where you listen to a woman describe to how to teach a student to read the word "man" using phonics, mmmm, mmmmaaaaa, mmmmaaaaaannnnnnnnnn, man.
...Paper work and modified lessons/worksheets for students on I.E.P.s, or "individualized education plans".
...Parent-teacher conferences that span over half of the working day, in fact, increasing your hours at school to 13 hours in one day, for two days in a row.
...After school tutoring till 5:30 for at least two days a week.
...Required CWG "collaborative work group" meetings once a week during your prep period.
...Constant observations (i.e. people/principals walking in and out of your room disrupting the flow of class with their presence and movement)
...And then the feedback, with people telling you what you are doing wrong and what you could do to get better. I want help, but holy stars, information overload. My goodness yo.
...Grade books not working.
...Paper. Paper. EVERYWHERE. Someone organize me.

I could go on, but my whining is boring me.

So, all I'm trying to say is that teachers deserve a little more respect, a little more prestige, and a little more free time. No not really, what I am trying to say is that I am getting lazy, I am having a hard time making myself care about preparing for class or grading after class, I am feeling undervalued and harshly critiqued, and I am feeling like I will never have what it takes to help a kid change their circumstances through getting a good education. And I am also saying I want more respect, prestige, and free time, but I think those are secondary concerns at this point. I just want to feel ok, and not like a miserable little pib-squeek  of a woman who can't manage a classroom of 14 year old teenagers nor teach basic math after she has earned her degree in the subject. Mahhh, I can't even express correctly. Just stop reading this and come read my heart.

Free coffee and cookies will usually make me happy to stay anywhere for any amount of time, so long as the goodies don't run out. Right now, mmm, not so much.

If the coffee runs out and you would like a half-empty glass of negativity, I have plenty here in Room 216.

Relationships

Today is the first morning that I have woken up an literally felt sick to my stomach, maybe because I am unprepared, maybe for other reasons (???). Today is also the first day why I have really remembered why I am here. Funny how things like that work out. I don't believe in coincidences. I have been been experiencing and re-experiencing all different kinds of self-doubts since I have been here, professional and personal. On a personal level, I notice that how other's respond to my presence makes far too big of an impact on my mood and on how I feel about myself. I think this is linked to the fact that I use my appearance as a means for acceptance from others. Too much of my value of myself is set in how others value me, and I try to get others to value me through my looks. Both of these avenues are poor choices, as they are both fickle and bound to change. I need more security than that.

This relates to why I am here. I am here because I wanted to show the girls here, and the women, that our value as people and specifically as women is not grounded in our appearance. Being beautiful or sexy doesn't make us more of a woman or any better of a woman. The way I have been presenting myself is not consistent with what I want to accomplish/communicate with the girls who see me everyday. Clothes that are maybe too fashionable, flirtatious eyes and smiles (even when it is just kidding around). What would be the difference in the impact I make in the lives of these young people if I addressed them and other adults with sincerity rather than surface level happy? What would be the difference in the impact I make in the lives of these young people if I dressed in less money and with less careful planning, and spent less time on my makeup and hair?

The thing about not showing surface level happy is that surface level happy makes people feel good, almost high... But I think showing sincerity would make people feel more content, which lasts longer and it maybe better in the long run... At this point, IDK...

Qué será, será

God works in mysterious ways. Sometimes, when I don't have the will or the strength to do what needs to be done, He does it for me. Sometimes it hurts, but I know He has my best interest in...or does He? Maybe He has His best interest in mind...His Kingdom's best interest in mind. I am okay with that. Carry on.

Some things to reflect on

“Go into the arts. I’m not kidding. The arts are not a way to make a living. They are a very human way of making life more bearable. Practicing an art, no matter how well or badly, is a way to make your soul grow, for heaven’s sake. Sing in the shower. Dance to the radio. Tell stories. Write a poem to a friend, even a lousy poem. Do it as well as you possible can. You will get an enormous reward. You will have created something.” -- Kurt Vonnegut










-----------


It's your life, what'ch ya gonna do? 


The world is watching you. 
Everyday the choices you make
Say what you are and who 
Your heart beats for


It's an open door 


To live the way that you believe
This is your opportunity 
To let your life be one that lights the way 
~song clip, "It's Your Life" Francesca Battistelli 


Reflections




-------------

A Classroom Experience

My experience as a high school math teacher has its ups and downs to stay the least. i think that by the end of this experience, if there is an end to this experience, i will have gained some huge insight into the way that people operate in a general motivational sense. what motivates people to do what they do?

why do feel like wisdom is laying at my finger tips and and unity is right around a corner that i can almost see. i feel so close yet so far away to making things work.

it is funny... classrooms are such DYNAMIC places... they change depending on who makes it to class, who walks in when, who has to go to the bathroom when, and it depends on the mood of EACH student AND especially on the mood of the teacher. It depends on how hard or easy the material being presented is. It depends on if all the students are on the same page academically, if they are all on the same level or if some are bored while others are struggling. it depends on if the teacher is prepared and organized, it depends on the seating chart, it depends on the rooms temperature, it depends on whether or not there are a lot of random announcemnets. a classroom is an ever changing never stagnant place where people have to learn how to work as individuals and in groups and channel their own needs into ways that benefit the group, and the group has to learn how to meet the needs of each individual.

Today in class we had our first class party, and it was awesome. 

I feel like we (the class) bonded. 

Jeremy

(my built 6'3'' freshman who 

can't stay in his seat, 

copies me while i'm lecturing, 

distracts others by talking to them and making ridiculous scenes, and who 

often flat refuses to do work...

 (perhaps because he doesn't know how)) 

shushed people today because he wanted to have our 15 minute party at the end of class 

with soda and brownies. 

Mind. 

Blown. 

i have two students who really know how to make my day. both are students who tend to have behavior problems. they need a lot of attention and need to have their achievements acknowledged, but they are both so worth it. to see their faces when they are happy is the biggest blessing anyone could ask for...it tears at my heart to think of them feeling rejected or unloved or hopeless or even like they can't do math (because they ought to feel like they are intelligent enough to succeed at whatever they want to, and that there are people who care enough to help them). i don't want to be the cause of any negative feelings in these two young men. how awesome would it be if they could learn to communicate their needs in a clear respectful productive manner! They would be able to grow SO MUCH more. What if they could see that other people have the same problems as they do, and that the behavior of other's is influenced by those problems too...What if they could see what it was that was influencing their own behavior, and not put the blame on how others behave or treat them. That would lead to some GOOD MEN.

Take those last three sentences and replace "they" with "I". Mmmmm. I'm gonna end with that -- chew chew.

Meet Your Teacher

why be a teacher?

Picking just one reason why I love teaching is a nearly impossible task. I have always know that I was not made for a job where I sit stagnant behind a desk or isolated in a cubicle. I get energy from working with people and for people. I like seeing how my everyday work affects the lives of my students. I like knowing that what I do opens doors in the lives of young people to be whoever they dream to be. I also love math--it is a predictable and understandable topic. Learning math is like learning a second language; after a while it just comes naturally. I like being able to pass on my passion for math to others, and teaching is a great way to connect those little light-bulbs of understanding to passion for the subject.

why in south dakota?

South Dakota is my home state and I want to stay here, and make a difference in the area where I intend to spend the rest of my life. The people and prairie and hills here are very dear to my heart. To see a people who are so firmly rooted in the same place where I place my roots struggling with everyday life is a disheartening and motivating observation for me. I choose to stay in South Dakota because it is my home and its people are my heart, and I see the need and feel the desire to begin a transformation of what we are okay with letting any people suffer through.

what do i hope to accomplish through being a teacher?

As a teacher, I hope to give individual students the courage to contradict the negative expectations that others have of them and that they have for themselves. As a teacher, I hope to inspire in students a hope that leads to a motivation, a motivation to overcome failures and push though tough times and hard work. As a teacher, I want to help my students develop mindsets will set them up for success at life.

What's shaping me:

Today I am feel confused about a lot of things. Maybe I am just in a tizzy from getting my flu shot, maybe I am confused by these new feelings I have for a man I should not have feelings for. Maybe I am worried that I am not effectively teaching the 50 students I am responsible for. Maybe I am concerned that I am not getting my TFA obligations fulfilled. Maybe I just need to chill. Maybe I just need to step it up. Maybe I need to turn it over. Maybe I need to step it up. Maybe I need to do both. So many variables, so few constants. My life is an equation continuously changing in order to stay balanced.

I had a good talk with the nurses while I was getting my flu shot.

Mindi was amazingly sweet to me Sunday night.

I have to stay after school today to help students with math and some might show up.

I have health insurance.

I have health.

I have love not contingent upon human emotions.

I have two prep periods today because my calc student didn't show.

I got two emails from professors saying they wanted to know how I was doing and that others did too.

Good things.

Father in heaven,

You are beautiful and powerful and I feel beautiful and full of hope BECAUSE OF YOU! Thank you for every breath I take, in and out, I'm all Yours and I thankfully give you all my joy <3! All my happiness and joy rests in You, and You make my heart full <3.

All my heart and soul,

Your daughter,

Lara <3

Something Unexpected

I know this is going to sound insane, but I am having a good day.

Hunh. Thank you, Lord! :):) I could get used to this :).

My insides are messed up.

Something is missing in my life. I am not at my best. I am not at my happiest. I am not comfortable. I am nervous. I am anxious. I am discontent. I wake up in the mornings feeling ill and ill prepared. I am constantly settling and constantly searching for things to make me feel better.

What would happen if I made it a point to spend a full hour every night doing what I need to do for me?

Is that even plausible?

See, I feel sick again.

Wanna Make-out?

Today we did a gallery walk. It was good. Then i showed pictures of my life. It was was good. Tonight I am going to drink wine. It will be good. Tonight I am going to read my Bible. Tonight I am going to pray. It's gonna be SO good.

It's all good.

continuation of the storm that is my life

okay. so it is still today except tonight. and today was...mmm...AWFUL. principal came in to help me out. ugh. i will get better. or at least i will give this a chance. i can only do all things when Christ is my strength. (i could write that as an if and only if statement, an iff statement, or as my calc student would say, an if-f statement...laughs) and, i will go where the Spirit blows me. right now i am in a whirlwind, a tornado, that is spinning me round and round and keeping me right here. rejoice rejoice again i say rejoice. rejoice in the Lord always again i say REJOICE!

The Monday Blues

This morning I am sitting in my classroom, 6:46 am, and am feeling quite HOT (AC not working!!!) and ill. Ill over the day. Ill over my life as a teacher.

A janitor named Sean just came in and talked to me for a bit. That really helped. I think the key to my success here, my make or break, is personal relationships. I have to have friends to look forward to seeing at school. Seeing Tristin this weekend at Nicole's wedding made that pretty clear to me. MUST HAVE FRIENDS.

Must have time in the morning to pray and read God's word.

Mah.

WEEK TWO, DAY 3 (THURSDAY SEPT 8 2011) FML NO LML (LOVE MY LIFE, SERIOUSLY) (IT IS JUST HARD BUT THIS IS THE BIGGEST THRILL EVER.EVER.EVER.)

Today was insane. Literally a zoo in the classroom. I hope I never forget this day, because honestly it was quite entertaining to see a classroom like that. It was like Mr. Harris' classroom in high school on crazy lab days.

Tomorrow I think I should start with expectations.

I need to see Tyler tonight. I think I am going to try to find him at the dorms since that is where he lives. He is SO capable. He crumpled his paper today. He was so frustrated he crumpled it up.

WHAT am I doing?

They should work in groups, but the rule should be that I can't hear them talk. Inside voices.

We need seating arrangements.

Gar.

Funkle :P

mmmmmmmmm rocking back and forth mmmmmmmmm what do i do how do i change/fix this.

five new kids walked in during the middle of class. all upper classmen. the first upperclassmen in the class. twice as big as the other kids. the room is a pit.

i have a sub tomorrow and nothing planned. good. Godddd help me. PLEASE.

Right Here, Right Now, In the mailroom, my moment

Today is my first day of my second week of school. I don't know exactly what I am feeling, but I know I would be feeling better if I was closer to Jesus. I am sitting in the mail room, with other staff in here, but I just needed to get my thoughts more visible to myself. I think the key to a good class period is presenting material that students can handle, letting them know what is coming, and my attitude. Today can be a great day. Keep God as my focus. Love Him, Love Others. Love.

Someone left me an inspirational magnet in my mailbox. Perfect :) .

<3

MY FIRST DAY AS A TEACHER--TCHS, MISSION, SD, USA, NORTH AMERICA, EARTH, WHATEVER SOLAR SYSTEM, MILKY WAY, UNIVERSE, GOD...

Today was my first day as a teacher (with a contract, and therefore a real teacher). First hour went well. The kids listened to me talk about myself even when i could tell somethimes they would rather not have been listening. thrid block they were not so generous. i think the difference might be that i shook the hands of my first block students at the door and learned their names. third block they just kinda wantdered in and i stumbled over names all period. i need to be ready and at the door. get to know you surveys are a great idea, but freshman will not interact with each other bc they are to insecure in their new setting to be brave enough to form new social bonds under pressure from the teacher. i think the best thing to do is to put them to work right away. or force them to interact as a whole class. they need structure. lunch went by so quickly. the whole day went by quickly except for third block. dennis and jim and jim's manager observe me during third block tomorrow. okay. here goes nothing. in the morning i still have to print off diagnostic tests for clalc, as well as figure out what to do with the remaining time of calculus. furthermore, there is an activity i need to get more familiar with for the freshman. and i wanted to do the whole diagnostic before i gave it to them, as well as do the DO NOW before i gave it to them. shoot i still have to finish that power point.5 am here i come. apparently juniors and seniors were arguing in the hall today about whether i look like a hard ass or a cheerleader. haha. BOTH. oh my goodness. i need to plan for advisory/srb with soph/juniors tomorrow. those kids are HUGE. and tough. and HUGE.

as i fall asleep on the first night before my teaching career

i am the plant

family members are my roots

my friends ground me

roots can't flourish if they are not grounded

ground is pointless for the plant unless there are roots

some friends are family

we are plants with no roots, transplanted in each other's soil, and then over time we grow strong roots

kaitlin. taylor. nicole. mark. peter. seth.

some family are friends

they are the roots that are tended to with good soil

bekah. kay. betsy. dad. adam.