Fate has played its hand so cruel, there is nothing I can do...
Oh Ray LaMontagne, don't play the victim! Fate may be cruel, but that is only reality if you chose it to be so :). Every heart break is a chance to learn how to love better and creates an opportunity to learn how to be more empathetic towards other people! I feel like being around my stepmom makes me into someone who rots inside, but I can't avoid her if I want to be part of my family as a family unit. Although, I think things might be better if I interacted with my family members more on an individual basis rather than a unit basis. First, I will know them each better as a person. Second, I am not sure that I believe my family can ever function as a unit with me as part of it. I don't say that with sadness, I say it with insight and acceptance. I seem to bring destruction to whatever party I am with--Mom's family or Pam's family. Both are ripped up when I am around. I cause too much turbulence, and I don't even try to do so. If I am honest with myself then I have to admit that I only partially mind this. It is like my presence creates an uproar for a power struggle with Pam, with my mother it creates an awareness in her of her own shortcomings (and so she tries to subdue me through breaking me by rejecting me, devaluing me, and showing me that she doesn't need me). I will not be broken by you. I am willing to break myself, but you will not tame me and you will not be my master. My spirit will remain defiant until you stop trying to defeat me. I will fly even with a broken wing. I refuse to be subject to the unreasonable whims of another woman. I feel like I ruin the worlds of my families because I bring conflict due to a different perspective and say because I communicate my perspective. So be it. If I have to go without mothers than I can deal. I have a father who is reasonable and can appreciate my mind, even if he disagrees with it from time to time (or often :P). I feel unsettled and riled up and excited but also alone. I believe in the win-win-win situations. I think this will come through me beginning to be true to myself and not agreeing to sometimes walk on eggshells for these powerful women in my life, and then other times being defiant (and rightfully so). Everyone needs consistency, even those who are heads over us. So, I shall be consistent. I shall consistently say what I think in a respectful but 100% honest way.
Now, I need to define what "100% honest" means. We all know that omissions yield ideas that are not complete truths...sometimes. But, sometimes omissions simply prevent hurt. Like, I don't need to tell someone that I think they are self-righteous and spiteful... There is such a thing as tact. And, by tact, I do NOT mean political correctness!!! So maybe that wouldn't be me omitting a part of the truth, maybe that would be more appropriately stated as me saying the truth "in love". Kinda...more like out of self-preservation?? (giggled to myself...) NoNo. It has to be out of love. Also, repeatedly saying the same things is pointless, especially if the words are meant to point out a flaw in the other person. Speaking of pointing out flaws in others, I should probably work on my own flaws first...BUT SHE ALWAYS THINKS I AM THE ONE IN ALL THE WRONG AND WITH ALL THE PROBLEMS!!! I want to shed a little light for her on exactly how shitty of a person she is...But she will never see it even if I hit her over the head with a sledge hammer of truth. Plus, it isn't my place to change her. I suppose my next blog should be about the things I need to work on in myself. Fine. I'm quite pissed about this.
Oh Lara. I like this entry. :) it's so helpful to be reminded that everyone is human...not just me.
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