NO POST

So sometimes I write things in my blog that I don't want anyone else to read. I type them up and then save them as drafts, titling them "NO POST" so that I don't accidentally go and post them. Reading through my "NO POST"s right now, I have decided that I actually DO want to post this one. It is pretty raw and not something I would generally want to share, thus why I am sharing it. I think it is healthy to be able to share the hard things and the things I might receive guff or pity for. I don't want to hide the struggles in my life. I think it was right for me to write this as a "NO POST" at the time, because I don't know that I could have been honest in the words written had I believed they would ever get posted and so shared with another human being.

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right now i am in conflict about the very things i have based the essence of myself on...my faith and my ability to think for myself. every time someone presents a persuasive argument i am swayed by them. this is funny because my dad says that i am stubborn and wont give up my side without due persuasion. but really, i am weak when it comes to standing my ground. i struggle to see the line between being reasonable and open minded and being fickle and loose of convictions.  right now my faith is being questioned by others. i am surrounded by people who believe something contrary to what i have been taught to believe and what i have chosen to believe. and i have been prepared for this moment, have been warned that it would come. and it is not like it has  never come before. actually i feel like the last time this happened, where i was questioned this intensely about my beliefs, I gave in on them and cast my faith aside because I was convinced out of my beliefs, or maybe i was no longer convinced by them. now another comes along who questions my beliefs and i feel vulnerable about them again. this is where i struggle. i want to be open minded but i don't want to be swayed by the slightest breeze. and i feel like i am being swayed by the slightest breeze. am i wanting to please another fickle soul, or am i seeing a truth being presented? what is this? what happens if my faith isn't true? how will i live, how will i find meaning, how will i be happy? what if my faith is true; will i be able to keep doing what i am doing; will i be able to defend my faith to others in a way that isn't foolishness? so many more questions need to be asked. for tonight i rest in this...that i am confused, but the truth finds a way. well, that is debateable now... but i will continue to search it out. or maybe i am just beginning my search. i may find what i already have; or, i don't like to say this, but... i may not... either way, i am now actively pursuing understanding of the TRUTH about ....TRUTH.