"The beauty of God's love fills my days with joy." Although it is hard to admit, it is true. The unconditional love of my Creator and the beauty he produced because of that love are my only joys in life. Everything else falls away. Men fall away. Friends fall away. Family falls away. Everything you think you can rely on...it all falls. No matter what I do to God, He keeps on loving me. With people, all it takes is someone else to come along or some problem to come up that they don't want to deal with an they're gone. Gone Gone Gone. It is a sad thing I know, but I don't feel sad. I feel a nothing that is every something I can't explain. My problem is not that people leave me, it is that I drive them away. Why I do this I don't know. Maybe it is because I want them to be so loyal to me, to know me so well, that they know that I am doing it to test their love. So far in my life only one person has truly stood by me though this all. I have been so angry lately, I just can't contain myself. Some people that I thought were good friends I now have my doubts about. How can a person be so ununderstanding and uncompassionate towards another person. To have someone that you thought cared about you blow off some of your deepest most personal feelings; to have then just say they're typical response of "what can you do?", or in this case, "cute." How completely annoying and crushing. One possible true friend eliminated. Shows how well they know me. Taylor wrote this poem last week that completely or at least completely accurately explains life. I guess life can never be completely explained, but it can be explained completely accurately. This world is shit,. God made it perfect and we fucked it up. What can you do??? The answer is nothing, no, I can do sonething. But how. But what. What is the reason. What is the purpose, the motivation. How do you un-fuck something that is already fucked? How do you turn shit into gold? I'm o alchemist but I'm sure it can be done.
so much life is wasted.
without love there's nothing.
only the world
and the world is fucked
and so am i.
without love life is a waste.
life is nothing without love
an nothing is a waste.
the world is waste
and so am i.
until i choose love
i'm fucked for life.
I think maybe I have been angry lately because someone that I thought a lot of let me down. Maybe that isn't the right way to put it. I know this person has a lot of their own problems...even if they can't or won't admit that. And I love this person. I love because of their humanity, I love because they are people, a person. I love for the sake of loving, I love because everyone deserves to be loved. Therefore, I love them and their friends and their enemies. But I, I was not loved. not as a person, not because I am a person. I must admit though, I am not a person that is easy to love. So I respect them for trying and I forgive them for failing. Maybe they need to love themselves first. Some people need that. I honesty hope this person can learn to love, because love is a choice. And I am looking forward to a continuing friendship and I can't wait to see them learn to love.
Okay, I just read over that and to tell the truth it is a bunch of mushy bull shit. (Only the last part is true, start with "I am not easy to love.") That is how it should be and how it isn't. I am angry because I lost. And I lose too often. And I hate losing. I suck at losing. I am a bad loser.
I feel abandoned and alone and all I want is to be safe. Sometimes I just want someone to cover my eyes and hold my hand and lead me through. i guess that is kind of God's job. Maybe one of these days I'll let him do it. Maybe...
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