i-don't-know-what-to-title-this

I am a very greedy person, and I base much of my self-worth on how much other people want to be around me. And, I try to get people to want to be around me by flirting or making jokes or by being pretty. I am trying to change this by not wearing make-up, by having conversations that focus more on things that matter, and by giving away my excess. Giving away my excess is something that I have done before, but then I always buy it back. Lame. I am making a poor teacher's salary, but I know compared to most of the world I am rich. Why should I be as needy as I am for my "stuff"? I have, like, 30 sweatshirts. Ridiculous. Christ says it is harder for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of heaven than it is for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle. Well, I might not be rich by American standards, but by world standards and as measured by how attached I am to my stuff, I am rich. How willing am I to walk away from everything when/if I am called to do so? I have these two pairs of adorable jeans with decked out back pockets, drawing attention to we-all-know-what. They are also tight jeans. GtG. Fo Sho. Ugh! I am so weighed down by giving this stuff away, and I know I should be joyful to give! It is one of those things, where, do I wait to give it away until I am more okay with it, or do I give it away and then feel the release of bondage? This is lots of rambling...too much rambling, but I am going to keep going. I also have about 30 pairs of shoes. Some are high heels I will never wear again. Some are high heels that make me look sexy that I should never wear again. Why keep them? What do they bring to my life? Stats from having so much...attention for sexiness that I shouldn't want, because I so strongly want to be loved for me, chains to possessions...

I am quick to frustration.
I am quick to doubt.
I am quick to offense.
I am quick to join in on downer conversations.
I am quick to wanting what others have.

I need God's love. I don't know how to be okay and love myself with out Him. Thank God for God :D. He is my strength, and because of the truth of what this world is and what His kingdom is, I have the strength to live for Him in ways that are pleasing to Him. How do I move to putting God first, ALWAYS? I have been lukewarm drifting towards cold. I want passion. And, I suppose if that is what I really want, then that is what I will seek out. So...maybe I want to want passion? I think maybe my problem is that I am standing at the top of a hill, on one side is the steep slope of passionately serving Christ, and the other side has the gentle slope of the easy road. I need to move myself, start the motion. The steep slope will help me keep going.