Today is the first morning that I have woken up an literally felt sick to my stomach, maybe because I am unprepared, maybe for other reasons (???). Today is also the first day why I have really remembered why I am here. Funny how things like that work out. I don't believe in coincidences. I have been been experiencing and re-experiencing all different kinds of self-doubts since I have been here, professional and personal. On a personal level, I notice that how other's respond to my presence makes far too big of an impact on my mood and on how I feel about myself. I think this is linked to the fact that I use my appearance as a means for acceptance from others. Too much of my value of myself is set in how others value me, and I try to get others to value me through my looks. Both of these avenues are poor choices, as they are both fickle and bound to change. I need more security than that.
This relates to why I am here. I am here because I wanted to show the girls here, and the women, that our value as people and specifically as women is not grounded in our appearance. Being beautiful or sexy doesn't make us more of a woman or any better of a woman. The way I have been presenting myself is not consistent with what I want to accomplish/communicate with the girls who see me everyday. Clothes that are maybe too fashionable, flirtatious eyes and smiles (even when it is just kidding around). What would be the difference in the impact I make in the lives of these young people if I addressed them and other adults with sincerity rather than surface level happy? What would be the difference in the impact I make in the lives of these young people if I dressed in less money and with less careful planning, and spent less time on my makeup and hair?
The thing about not showing surface level happy is that surface level happy makes people feel good, almost high... But I think showing sincerity would make people feel more content, which lasts longer and it maybe better in the long run... At this point, IDK...
This is pretty serious stuff you're talking about here! I think you are very insightful. It is a very fine line to walk and sometimes we get way too caught up in one way or the other. We get too caught up in money and materials that we give the wrong impression to those who look up to us, like the girls and women you see everyday. But on the other hand, we let ourselves go to far and we give off the impression that our body is not a sacred temple created by God!
ReplyDeleteWe all go through times where we get caught up in the world and what it has to say. I guess what I am trying to say is that it sounds like you are on the right track, just make sure you don't go too far the other way either! I think if you make your focus to have not happiness, but deep rooted joy, and to live your life to further God's kingdom, then you will find that you are naturally a strong, beautiful, successful, and powerful woman...a natural role model for the other women and girls in your life.
...That group includes your little sister...