Luuuuuv

You know what? What is love? When I was with Kelsey I thought I loved him, because I cared deeply about him and was 100% devoted and loyal. Then again, I treated him like shit and he did likewise to me. Is that love, or codependency? I needed him to feel okay, and he needed to bring me down in order for himself to feel okay. I don't think that is love. I don't know what it is, but it is not that. When I was with Keegan, I thought I loved him, because I wanted to spend all my time with him and share my thoughts with him and cared about his emotional and physical well-being.  Then again, I was never the giver in our relationship, I was always in it for what I could get. Sure, I spent many hours making sweet gifts for him, but would I ever make sacrifices for him or change my plans for him--would I ever put his needs before mine? Rarely. When I was (not) with Seth, I thought that I loved him (I think I thought I did...) because I so intensely wanted to spend time with him and his family or even just his family without him, and I wanted get his insight on everything, I respected him so much. However, I think what I felt for Seth was this deep need to get acceptance and affection from someone so Good. I probably would have done about anything for him and made tons of sacrifices without feeling resentful, but it was all a game to me. I forced myself to have feelings for him because he was so Good, but really I was not compelled to be mates with him. We didn't have the same sense of humor, I liked to smoke hookah and have a beer with dinner and he would never touch the stuff, I wasn't a virgin and he had never even held hands or kissed a girl. I think my love for Seth was less romantic and more friendly. I think for the first time ever that I am willing to admit that what I had with Kelsey wasn't love. I believe that loving someone is a choice, a conscience decision... Not something that you fall into. The love you fall into is shallow and temporary and not even real because both people are in love with an idea, not a person. To me, right now in this moment, love is a choice to be loyal and devoted to someone, but also a choice to respect them and treat them with kindness, and to give grace when you feel that they don't measure up to your expectations of them. All of these things seem like they should be how you treat everyone everyday, but I think that when you have romantic feelings for someone and you spend a lot of time with them, then the infatuation--the lie--wears off and you are left with the real deal. It is then that you know whether or not you want to chose to love. These things (loyalty, devotion, respect, kindness, grace) are easier to give to people like close friends, who don't have as much emotional pull in your life. I think one key to good relationships is understanding that the other person is human. They will not always put you first, they won't be attracted to you every second of every day, and they have needs that they want you to meet too. If one can appreciate another for who they are in all of their humanness, without any of the false perfections we tend to project on our significant others, then I believe that their is a potential for true deep companionship and love. The rest is pointless, unless you just want to have fun and are willing to have your heart broken (which isn't really bad, we are all allowed to decided what is best for ourselves), you are willing to break someone else's heart (selfish *angryface*), or you are willing to be in an emotionally distant (and thus fake) relationship (again, we decide what is best for ourselves...but this one might hurt the other person too). Peace out. Luuuuuuv :)

Happy Sigh

Today in class was soooooooo much better than yesterday. Second block, the block that I LOVE, was a disaster yesterday. Today, I laid down the expectations for the day at the beginning of class, and it went well. Kids raised their hands, shushed each other, and asked lots of questions, by raising their hands!!!!!! It was order and not chaos. Lovely. Just LOVELY. :)))))))))))

Ex-NO POST (showed him, so no point in not posting :P )

Today is a rough day (:/) for me emotionally. I think that my early morning emotional state has had a spiral effect on my attitude. My bf/MTLD (but not at the same time... when bf, only bf. when MTLD, only MTLD...or at least I try to separate them in my head :/) observed me today and I have decided that I really dislike that he evaluates me on a personal and professional level. It is so rough. I am not super woman. I am not always going to be sweet and I am not always going to be on my game in the classroom. I want to always be sweet; who doesn't want to be forever intentionally kind and thoughtful? I want to always play my A-game in the classroom; I want my students to have the opportunity to do anything they want to do and every move I make is a move towards or away from the goal. How do I not let the fact that his job is to critique and help improve (thus, find flaws) in my teaching affect my emotional well-being?

Dad, you aren't gonna want to read this :'(

What are the things that matter to me? Do I espouse ideas for which I have no firm conviction? Am I lazy?

Why don't you tell me. I don't want to think about it.

I profess love for a god who hates homosexuality, who condemns those who can't recognize him as The God to hell. How logical is that? Being a person who has been introduced to Jesus, I am honestly in a place where I can see how someone might not believe. Sure, there are high emotional moments that may seem as though God is communicating with me, but those are fleeting, and I think that they are created by my perceptions of reality. Ugh, I want to write clearly. I feel like the wondrous emotional moments I have when I am worshipping God might not be coming from a close connection with God, but rather from the idea that I have (at the time I am worshipping) that God is near me. I don't want to believe in a god that condemns good, moral people to hell. I don't want to believe in a god that condemns very devout Muslims and Buddhists and Jews and other people who have devoted their life to faith/spirituality. I know gay and lesbian and bisexual individuals who are giving much more back to society and in general are more kind and thoughtful and generous people than many fundamentalist Christians I know.

I feel like if I am going to doubt the fundamentalist beliefs that homosexuality is wrong and that non-Christians who live good lives are condemned to eternal damnation, then I have to doubt everything about the Christian faith and its scripture. If the Bible really is the inspired Word of God, then everything in it should be absolutely completely accurate. In that case, what the Bible deems to be good/bad would trump my inner convictions based on the experiences I have had. However, if the Bible is in anyway inaccurate, inconsistent, or contradictory, then it cannot be a divine book.

I don't think homosexuality is wrong. I think sexuality is a spectrum and no one is completely straight or gay. I guess this means that I think gender is probably separate from sexuality.

I am not okay with condemning people who are different from me, and I never will be. I can't say what you do is wrong unless it hurts others, in the present or in the future. That's it.

(PLEASE) Love me anyway...