Luuuuuv

You know what? What is love? When I was with Kelsey I thought I loved him, because I cared deeply about him and was 100% devoted and loyal. Then again, I treated him like shit and he did likewise to me. Is that love, or codependency? I needed him to feel okay, and he needed to bring me down in order for himself to feel okay. I don't think that is love. I don't know what it is, but it is not that. When I was with Keegan, I thought I loved him, because I wanted to spend all my time with him and share my thoughts with him and cared about his emotional and physical well-being.  Then again, I was never the giver in our relationship, I was always in it for what I could get. Sure, I spent many hours making sweet gifts for him, but would I ever make sacrifices for him or change my plans for him--would I ever put his needs before mine? Rarely. When I was (not) with Seth, I thought that I loved him (I think I thought I did...) because I so intensely wanted to spend time with him and his family or even just his family without him, and I wanted get his insight on everything, I respected him so much. However, I think what I felt for Seth was this deep need to get acceptance and affection from someone so Good. I probably would have done about anything for him and made tons of sacrifices without feeling resentful, but it was all a game to me. I forced myself to have feelings for him because he was so Good, but really I was not compelled to be mates with him. We didn't have the same sense of humor, I liked to smoke hookah and have a beer with dinner and he would never touch the stuff, I wasn't a virgin and he had never even held hands or kissed a girl. I think my love for Seth was less romantic and more friendly. I think for the first time ever that I am willing to admit that what I had with Kelsey wasn't love. I believe that loving someone is a choice, a conscience decision... Not something that you fall into. The love you fall into is shallow and temporary and not even real because both people are in love with an idea, not a person. To me, right now in this moment, love is a choice to be loyal and devoted to someone, but also a choice to respect them and treat them with kindness, and to give grace when you feel that they don't measure up to your expectations of them. All of these things seem like they should be how you treat everyone everyday, but I think that when you have romantic feelings for someone and you spend a lot of time with them, then the infatuation--the lie--wears off and you are left with the real deal. It is then that you know whether or not you want to chose to love. These things (loyalty, devotion, respect, kindness, grace) are easier to give to people like close friends, who don't have as much emotional pull in your life. I think one key to good relationships is understanding that the other person is human. They will not always put you first, they won't be attracted to you every second of every day, and they have needs that they want you to meet too. If one can appreciate another for who they are in all of their humanness, without any of the false perfections we tend to project on our significant others, then I believe that their is a potential for true deep companionship and love. The rest is pointless, unless you just want to have fun and are willing to have your heart broken (which isn't really bad, we are all allowed to decided what is best for ourselves), you are willing to break someone else's heart (selfish *angryface*), or you are willing to be in an emotionally distant (and thus fake) relationship (again, we decide what is best for ourselves...but this one might hurt the other person too). Peace out. Luuuuuuv :)