Having read through this and having
done some intro and retrospection, I realize that I am in a place emotionally
similar to where I was in high school. A humbling realization. I am stirred up
inside and have a cloud in my heart. I came to the conclusion at one point in
my life that thinking “too much” is what leads to depression. I still feel like
thinking a lot leads me to have this “cloud” in my heart, but maybe it is
because I am going about it in the wrong way. I want to evaluate things
honestly and objectively, not with rainbows and not with charcoal. Perhaps I am
still looking for the reasonable set of lenses. I am tired of overly cheerful
and illogical BS, but I also have no tolerance for downers who look at life as
a hopeless series of events. I see light, and I see darkness. I realize that
when you turn on a light the darkness is vanquished…and you don’t get darkness
back by adding something, you get darkness back by removing something, and that
something is light. Light overcomes the darkness; truth overcomes lies. I want
to love someone, truly love someone. A friend, a family member, a man, anyone
but myself. I want to put someone before me. I suppose that I one need that
Christ should fill in my life. (and SEE, this is just another way that Christianity
fulfills basic human needs…it is a struggle of the chicken or the egg. Did
Christianity get invented to meet these needs, or do these needs exist bc we
were created to intrinsically need to turn to our Creator)
When I have situations in my life that
I need to address, I like to talk to people to try to understand what the best
course of action is. However, how can I know what the best course of action is
without understanding the nature of the situation first? I feel that a lot of
my experience, in discussing things like this with Christians, I get fix-it-quick
solutions that rely heavily on God intervening in a mighty way. When I talk
with my non-Christian friends I feel like they seek to understand before solve.
This could be because most of my Christian friends are baby Christians…My Dad
wants me to seek understanding of myself and of others and of my interactions
with others. He explicitly told me on Monday that he doesn’t want God to swoop
in and fix the symptoms, he wants the root issue to be understood and
addressed. “Pray to understand the
root.” Is that kinda like King Solomon praying for wisdom?? Kinda/
On Christmas Eve night, my family and
I watched “It’s A Wonderful Life.” It got me thinking…In a hundred and sixty
years from now (or two lifetimes from now), if I had never been born, would the
world look any different? I don’t want to dedicate my life to some cause or try
to do these big good things in some vain attempt to matter. It would be nice to matter, to create some
kind of positive cycle that lasted and affected the lives of others long after
I am gone. But, do I need that hope in order to be content that life is worth
living? Can I accept that perhaps I am completely insignificant for any period
longer than my life? I think it is obvious that everyone creates ripples in
their own time with the people they interact with and etc, but that could only
be a moment and not something that is lasting or creates movement. It would be
nice to be able to see that the world of a handful of people has more love in
it because I was around at one point in the spectrum of time. Lol. Purpose,
significance. Why do they matter!? They keep me wanting to do the right thing. What
are other reasons to do the right thing? Purely because they are the right
thing, because the right thing keeps civilization civilized. Why do I care
about whether or not things are civilized? Because I want to know what to
expect--I rely on and enjoy the structure and safety that civilization
provides.
My dear friend Mark has told me about these
5 levels of secrets that he read in a book somewhere, and apparently agrees
with, since he remembers them so well and uses them to help me understand
people.
5 Levels of Secrets
5. Secrets you can’t admit to a
complete stranger.
4. Secrets you can’t admit to an
average friend.
3. Secrets you can’t admit to close
family and friends.
2. Secrets you can’t admit to your
spouse.
1. Secrets you can’t admit to yourself
(stuff you deny or a painful truth you haven’t accepted yet).
I shared these with another friend of
mine, mostly because I was curious how he would respond to them, but there were
other motivations mixed in there as well. He said that the reason “we can’t
admit” these secrets is because we don’t want to ruin the other person’s
“fairytale” … because ruining their
fairytale also ruins our own fairytale. In essence, the “fairytale” world we
try to live in is full of lies and deceit THAT WE CHOSE AND ACCEPT so that we
can be comfortable. I also remember this friend telling me that he believes in “comforting
the disturbed and disturbing the comforted.” In some ways I agree with this,
but seriously, what if this pretend world is (ironically) the only thing
holding a person from breaking? I suppose that person is disturbed in their own
way. Truth is the only way to have real peace, because you don’t have to worry
about the story … It is what it is.
THAT is comforting, because it is out
of my hands (and so not my faul???). That is ironic, too.
What are my level one secrets? I KNOW
that I want to be understood but not managed, not controlled. Are these the
roots? Those things make me feel incompetent and belittled and insufficient. I
suppose if I was really confident in my own abilities I would not respond so
violently to people trying to control me, because I would know that they could
not and I would have no need to overreact. From my words in a text, “I need to
stop worrying about resisting people who try to manage me and just live.” I was
told that “just living” is a key term in my life. What does this MEAN???
I want to live, not just live.
I WANT TO LIVE!!!
None of those seem like level one
secrets. Maybe I don’t have any? Maybe you only have level one secrets at
certain points in your life, then you get strong and face them and even share
them and then they become level whatever secrets. Honestly, I feel like there
is not a whole lot of stuff I wouldn’t share with a complete stranger. Who
cares, you will likely not see them again, and maybe they can shed a little
light. Although, if I will continue to get to know them, maybe I wouldn’t want
to tell them my secrets because who knows who they will share with and then
those other people’s images of me (false images/fairytales) will be ruined and
then my image of myself (false image/fairytale) would be ruined because I could
no longer pretend it was true if no one else was playing along. Here I am talking
about broken fairytales again. How would the world be different if we were all
completely honest and upfront and transparent? Would the world function at all?
Would it be better?
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