Lately it is hard to keep my eyes on the goal, at least when hard times come. Am I smart enough to finish school, am I in the right field, will I do anything to make me special?? My conscience is in a swirl to discern the answers to these questions. I want to do well in school, but the effort exhausts me. Failure disheartens me. Five years in college! Failure! Out of shape, FAILURE! Never pretty enough, failure. The list goes on, and as I think of my short comings, I begin to feel sick. How can I ever take care of a family; how can I ever make my parents proud? I want to be a good person but I am so weak, so needy... When I step outside myself and do the things I want to do, life is good.
I feel my prison of a mental dependence on an external reassurance is prohibiting life from reaching me. No time for school work, must ___. No energy to work out, already ___. Hate my body, comfort myself by ___ing and un___ing. I must have my cake and eat it too... gluttony, selfishness, slave to my flesh.
But I am REASSURED in Romans that if I died with Christ than I am no longer a slave to my flesh. But I am enslaved to my flesh. Very enslaved. By choice? Perhaps... although I know I cannot free myself on my own. I DEFINITELY REQUIRE HELP! HELP ME, LORD! HELP ME! Save me from this pit of a life I am doomed to live in my current state. The air is contaminated, thick with despair. I cling to my self-reliance via vices that kill me and ruin my experience of life. I would submit to be shattered if the act would save me from myself.
Show me the way, give me the strength, give me the will. Give me YOUR WILL.
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