An Emotional Day

There was a "Prayer Summit" at my church today...I didn't really know what it was about but I knew I wanted to go. Prayer is such an imitate thing, and to share that with others is one of the most fulfilling interactions I can imagine. "When we search for God, He brings us closer to each other."This is what an elder at my church told me before we began our adventure into understanding God today. It was perfect insight because I have feel feeling so utterly alone lately. I know there are people who love me, but what about understand me? My attempts to portray my fairytale prevent others from actually seeing the real me. Turns out we are all alone in our own ways. I also am homeless, there is no place where I am welcome truly as a loved part of a family, where I am "one of them." I may not have a place of rest on this earth, and I don't have a relationship of rest either, But I accept that. Jesus knew loneliness; who could possibly connect with Him on the level that He could connect? Even if He was always around people, no one could be intimate how He was intimate. He had no place to rest His head; He chose to do the will of His Father and travel from one place to another spreading the truth. My rest is in Him; He is my only home. I am blessed to be one chosen to share in His suffering in this way. I will be a gypsy with Him. It is freeing. I am no longer bound by place or person or thing. He is my Way and my destination and my map.

I have hurt people. My stepmom specifically. I don't know what to do. I want to bring honesty but I don't feel it will be received. I don't know how to feel or show love there. I feel remorse for the broken state of things. Maybe I can try to write her a letter, with no intention of giving it to her, and be completely honest in it and see what comes out. I am confused and lost here. I don't know how to have normal female relationships. I always feel judged and evaluated and like I have to be on the watch-out for subversive attacks. I want to unlearn these ways and be free to be me and love.

I need to show Pam that I see myself and my flaws and apologize for the ways those have affected and hurt her. I need to communicate my intentions of future behavior and interactions with her.

I am never confident to do anything unless someone else approves it for me first. What is this about?
Can I be done with this entry now? Okay, thanks!

Haha, to add to that last point, I might ask for your permission but if you tell me no, beware. What!? Another bad trait!? Never!