As she waves good-bye to this time in her life~

Slaves, obey your earthly masters with fear and trembling, with a sincere heart, as you would Christ, not by the way of eye-service, as people pleasers, but as servants of Christ, doing the will of God from the heart, rendering service with Good will as to the Lord and not to man, knowing that whatever good anyone does, this he will receive back from the Lord, whether he is a slave or free. Masters, do the same to them, and stop your threatening, knowing that he who is both their Master and yours is in heaven, and that there is no partiality with him.
~Ephesians 6:5-9

During my time with God this morning I was shown that I do not have a servants heart. I avoid extra work where I can, especially when it requires a sacrifice of my time. I would much rather have someone do something for me than do something for someone else, and I allow that preference to dictate my actions. My dad has pointed this out to me when I don't offer to help Pam in the kitchen, but it goes so much further than that. I was drawn to look up verses that include the word serve and servants and found the verse above. It hit my heart hard with conviction, but also encouraged and strengthened my desire to change me. I felt much better after reading it, like I had been given direction. When I have read this verse in the past, I didn't relate to it because it addresses a slave...and I am not a slave. This verse was obviously written for people back in the day. Ha! This morning I realized that I am a slave, duh. I am a slave to so many things. I am a slave to the will of God, there is no way I can escape from under it, even if I wanted to. I am a servant of my employers, of my parents, and more. It comforts me that in this God is telling me that I shouldn't do good things to be a people pleaser or to make people like me, I should do them because they are good to do. I am intrinsically happier when I do good things, simply because they are good. This quote below is an excerpt from a random spiritual book, not Christian, but it holds true for Christians. I like it and it explains my understanding here pretty well.

"the closer we get to the core of all being, the more synonymous the effort and its reward. who could have guessed? the reward for uncovering truth is the experience of being honest. The reward for understanding is the peace of knowing. the reward for loving is being the carrier of love. it all becomes elusively simple. the river's sole purpose is to carry water, and as the force of the water deepens and widens the riverbed, and the river fulfills its purpose more. likewise, the riverbed of the heart is worn deeper over time to carry what is living.

Doing good is its own reward. I am not concerned with what I receive in heaven due to my positive deeds here on earth. I do them because they are good to do, and they are good because of who God is. He defines what is good by the essence of His being. All good things come from Him.

I also like how this verse says to do whatever we do with a sincere heart. I think this echoes my concern for being "present," and also being "real." Doing things with an insincere heart is by definition deceitful and for the acceptance of others, not out of a pure motivation. It is manipulative and makes people think you are better of a person than you really are. And, you can't do things with a sincere heart if you are not "present" while doing them. If your mind/heart is somewhere else then you cannot possibly be sincere because your heart isn't in it! I know that is circular reasoning but I can't think of any other way to hash it out. ((( I do need to add that I still think that doing things with an insincere heart is better than never doing good things at all. Good things must be done. But does the end justify the means?? What a backwards way to apply this concept...kinda. )))

I also like the last part of that section of Ephesians where it says for masters to be good to their slaves, because God is over everyone and He has no partiality. It made me think of me being over my students..."stop your threatening"...I need to learn how to treat my subjects the way Christ treated His. They are my equals, and while I am responsible for keeping order and showing them the way to knowledge and proper treatment of others, I need to do so in an utterly respectful way, because they are my equals.

That's all I got. I'm sure there is some flawed logic somewhere in here...And when I reread this tomorrow or next week or next year, I'm sure I'll find it. I am somewhat insecure about these thoughts, because I think there is so much more than what I am seeing. But, this is what I am grasping today. My mind feels pulls to threads that I can't grasp. I am blind feeling for threads to grasp and follow along to be lead to the Truth.