Oh Me

Today I feel this deep desire to love someone, but apparently not just anyone. There are people that I see everyday and like just fine, but feel compelled not to be around them. Maybe it is because I feel the shallowness of those relationships and don't wish to partake of the nonsense. Actually I find the nonsense quite hurtful today. I want to interact on a meaningful intimate level, and I find others' rejection of that or inability to do so disappointing. What do you do on days where you have so much love but no one to give it to? (I suppose) You pour it out to everyone! ...Kind genuine smiles, encouraging words, patience, empathy, take the time to see another's perspective, and so much more... Also on days where I have an overflow of love, it is more irritating than ever to see individuals doing things that are destructive to themselves. I think that is why it is so easy to go from having a day where you feel like you have so much love to give to a day where you hate the world and everything in it. It is all about disappointment, which comes from expectations. Days that start intense for me usually end intense, but in the opposite way. The line between love and hate is so fine, because they are both so passionate. I suppose it doesn't have to be a fine line that is easy to cross, it can just be a fine line. Like, if I am at positive infinity on the x-axis for love and the line to cross over to hate is the y-axis, then I likely will never make it to hate. I guess it has to do with whether my feelings of love are dependent on outside forces or if it is something totally from within or a higher power. If they are dependent on what I see in the world around me than my good feelings will be fickle and short lived and not real and not able to be appreciated by anyone, because they can't be counted on. If they are from an internal spring, independent of circumstances and the reception of others, than they (my overflowing feelings of love) are beneficial to the world and to myself. I don't think having one person to focus my love on, like a man or a child, would help me at all with these feelings. I think the disappointment would still be there at the end of the day, because of my inability to convey enough the affection I have for them, and because if my love is not received in a way I understand (or at all) then that is discouraging and hurtful. I guess that goes back to my love needing to come from an internal spring. This is something I need to concentrate on in my life. Allowing that internal spring to flow and overflow, and I know how to do this. God is Love.