Contentment

I am happy O so happy that life is never climaxed. There is always more to come. But for now, this is enough :)

Leona Lewis, thank you for "Better With Time."

HOPE!

Today, a miracle happened. No doubt it WAS a miracle... the miracle of an answered prayer! O Lord, I have been struggling! I can't remember how let myself feel loved by You, I can remember, but I can't grasp it. Finding good in myself is like trying to grasp a flake in bathwater-every attempt just pushes it farther away. Everything is vanity! Solomon's depression is inching into my heart. Give me hope Lord, give me a sign, show me you have something more for me than this burdened life that is my self-made prison! I have walled myself in and I can't reach the top of the ledge, I can see it from here, but there is just NO WAY to get there.
Then Today. TODAY! I can't take this anymore. I'm desperate! I see myself going where I was, and I AM SCARED. TO DEATH. In a desperate attempt, a pathetic attempt, a hopeless attempt to find, well... hope... I walk into Walgreens pharmacy. How much does it cost to get my anti-depressant prescription with no insurance? Ninety dollars. A month. NO WAY. Can't afford that, not even close. Oh wait, have you heard of our membership? NO... Twenty dollars annual membership fee, and you can get your prescription for eleven dollars a month.
THANK YOU LORD. I LOVE YOU COMPLETELY. I KNOW YOU MUST LOVE ME IN A SPECIAL SPECIAL WAY. I NEVER WANT TO LOSE YOU. NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER LEAVE ME, PLEASE. I NEED YOU.

Priorities...

Lately it is hard to keep my eyes on the goal, at least when hard times come. Am I smart enough to finish school, am I in the right field, will I do anything to make me special?? My conscience is in a swirl to discern the answers to these questions. I want to do well in school, but the effort exhausts me. Failure disheartens me. Five years in college! Failure! Out of shape, FAILURE! Never pretty enough, failure. The list goes on, and as I think of my short comings, I begin to feel sick. How can I ever take care of a family; how can I ever make my parents proud? I want to be a good person but I am so weak, so needy... When I step outside myself and do the things I want to do, life is good.

I feel my prison of a mental dependence on an external reassurance is prohibiting life from reaching me. No time for school work, must ___. No energy to work out, already ___. Hate my body, comfort myself by ___ing and un___ing. I must have my cake and eat it too... gluttony, selfishness, slave to my flesh.

But I am REASSURED in Romans that if I died with Christ than I am no longer a slave to my flesh. But I am enslaved to my flesh. Very enslaved. By choice? Perhaps... although I know I cannot free myself on my own. I DEFINITELY REQUIRE HELP! HELP ME, LORD! HELP ME! Save me from this pit of a life I am doomed to live in my current state. The air is contaminated, thick with despair. I cling to my self-reliance via vices that kill me and ruin my experience of life. I would submit to be shattered if the act would save me from myself.

Show me the way, give me the strength, give me the will. Give me YOUR WILL.

Well Shoot

I'm in love. Head over head heals. Too bad I'm in a relationship with someone else.


I have never been the one to break off a relationship...and I don't really know how. I don't want to hurt anyone. AND, I know this "other person" that I care deeply for would never enter into a romantic relationship with me. It's just that it is wrong for me to date one and love another. I am torn as to what is right and what is wrong. I don't even care whether or not I stay with my boyfriend, but I do care about hurting him. I do not want to hurt him. No no no no no. How do I do this?

Complementary Opposites

Gentle Flake

My friends say that I have been very flaky lately (as in the past four months or so). Of course I definitely don't want to make my friends feel undervalued by blowing them off... yet, I keep falling through on my promises. So, the question is, WHY? I don't want to push away the people I love, and I enjoy spending time with them. I have given this some thought. Maybe I am exhausted and hanging out takes too much energy. Maybe I am subconsciously sabotaging myself. Maybe I actually just don't care how my actions affect others; am I all about ME? My mother always told me that I am a fair weather friend. I am a friend to someone only as long as it benifits me. I always thought she was portraying her own shortcomings onto me. Now I wonder...

The good news is that if these character flaws are more than imagined then I can change them. Just because I have a negative disposition does not mean my actions must portray it. The bad news, my mother may have been right. What else may she have been right about? Am I manipulative, greedy, vain??? O the self searching... exhausting and never yields a conclusive answer.

Maybe rather than dwell on what I do wrong I should focus on what I would like to do right! No love is unconditional except one. Thus, friends can only take so much mistreatment before they disappear. This doesn't make them shallow or love any less than I love; it means they are human. We love because we first were loved.