WEEK TWO, DAY 3 (THURSDAY SEPT 8 2011) FML NO LML (LOVE MY LIFE, SERIOUSLY) (IT IS JUST HARD BUT THIS IS THE BIGGEST THRILL EVER.EVER.EVER.)

Today was insane. Literally a zoo in the classroom. I hope I never forget this day, because honestly it was quite entertaining to see a classroom like that. It was like Mr. Harris' classroom in high school on crazy lab days.

Tomorrow I think I should start with expectations.

I need to see Tyler tonight. I think I am going to try to find him at the dorms since that is where he lives. He is SO capable. He crumpled his paper today. He was so frustrated he crumpled it up.

WHAT am I doing?

They should work in groups, but the rule should be that I can't hear them talk. Inside voices.

We need seating arrangements.

Gar.

Funkle :P

mmmmmmmmm rocking back and forth mmmmmmmmm what do i do how do i change/fix this.

five new kids walked in during the middle of class. all upper classmen. the first upperclassmen in the class. twice as big as the other kids. the room is a pit.

i have a sub tomorrow and nothing planned. good. Godddd help me. PLEASE.

Right Here, Right Now, In the mailroom, my moment

Today is my first day of my second week of school. I don't know exactly what I am feeling, but I know I would be feeling better if I was closer to Jesus. I am sitting in the mail room, with other staff in here, but I just needed to get my thoughts more visible to myself. I think the key to a good class period is presenting material that students can handle, letting them know what is coming, and my attitude. Today can be a great day. Keep God as my focus. Love Him, Love Others. Love.

Someone left me an inspirational magnet in my mailbox. Perfect :) .

<3

MY FIRST DAY AS A TEACHER--TCHS, MISSION, SD, USA, NORTH AMERICA, EARTH, WHATEVER SOLAR SYSTEM, MILKY WAY, UNIVERSE, GOD...

Today was my first day as a teacher (with a contract, and therefore a real teacher). First hour went well. The kids listened to me talk about myself even when i could tell somethimes they would rather not have been listening. thrid block they were not so generous. i think the difference might be that i shook the hands of my first block students at the door and learned their names. third block they just kinda wantdered in and i stumbled over names all period. i need to be ready and at the door. get to know you surveys are a great idea, but freshman will not interact with each other bc they are to insecure in their new setting to be brave enough to form new social bonds under pressure from the teacher. i think the best thing to do is to put them to work right away. or force them to interact as a whole class. they need structure. lunch went by so quickly. the whole day went by quickly except for third block. dennis and jim and jim's manager observe me during third block tomorrow. okay. here goes nothing. in the morning i still have to print off diagnostic tests for clalc, as well as figure out what to do with the remaining time of calculus. furthermore, there is an activity i need to get more familiar with for the freshman. and i wanted to do the whole diagnostic before i gave it to them, as well as do the DO NOW before i gave it to them. shoot i still have to finish that power point.5 am here i come. apparently juniors and seniors were arguing in the hall today about whether i look like a hard ass or a cheerleader. haha. BOTH. oh my goodness. i need to plan for advisory/srb with soph/juniors tomorrow. those kids are HUGE. and tough. and HUGE.

as i fall asleep on the first night before my teaching career

i am the plant

family members are my roots

my friends ground me

roots can't flourish if they are not grounded

ground is pointless for the plant unless there are roots

some friends are family

we are plants with no roots, transplanted in each other's soil, and then over time we grow strong roots

kaitlin. taylor. nicole. mark. peter. seth.

some family are friends

they are the roots that are tended to with good soil

bekah. kay. betsy. dad. adam.

Last day of official teaching at institute: we orally presented poetry in front of the class

Today's class was much better. However, we didn't really learn anything too strenuous today. I might make a better camp counselor than a teacher. Or maybe a better mother. I can't wait to be a mother. I can wait to give birth. Anyway, back to my students :). I feel like I let Alexis down today by not holding him to high enough standards. Should I hold him after class for a minute and ask him to re-present his poem to me? He struggles with words, but I know he can do this very well. It will just take confidence boost and practice. I want him to understand that he is capable and that being behind everyone right now is okay, and it doesn't have to stay that way. Miss J. Roberts seems to think that in order to be an attractive female that she can't use her brain and have deep thoughts. I don't know what to do about that except to address the issue straight on, and bluntly confront her. I think she would respond okay to that, but what if she is really just not that smart? NO, that isn't the case. She just doesn't have any practice thinking on a deeper level. Kaedeen is super smart, but has the worst freakin attitude in the world. If this was back in the day, I would have smacked him on the back of the head a couple of times already this summer, just to communicate, "Shape up boy, or this is how life is gonna feel." How do I get through to him. Pretty sure he thinks I hate him. Sad. Unfortunately, if he would have been absent today I probably would have been happy. Awful mindset Lara, just awful. I find myself being quiet frusterated with Renee. She tries so hard and is well behaved and does her homework and asks questions and..., BUT,...She is on an IEP and consistently surprises me by failing to grasp concepts. I have to hold the class back to better explain things to her. I need to be able to come up with differentiated lesson plans so that I can help both the higher students who need enrichment, but also the low students who need extra help or different ways to grasp the concept. Joseph was excited about his poem titled "World of Warcraft." He smiled. That was worth the 20 minutes I spent finding it and the 10 minutes I spent debating on whether or not it was rigorous enough for him. Sonya LOVED her poem about smiling and hiding behind a mask. In her own words, Sonya is "complicated." How adorable is that <3 ? I believe her. Miss J. Rubio is Sonya's cousin. She tries hard and it shows in her grades, but she is so hard on herself. She has a beautiful heart. Aaron has started participating and has really matured over the last five weeks. I enjoy having him in class, alot actually.

A BAD DAY / A DAY IN THE LIFE

diffuse
Teaching has to be one of the hardest things I have ever done. Today was SO SHITTY. SO SHITTY. I thought that I had this down way better than that. But I didn't. My CMA gave me this look, like, oh how sad you are still SO SHITTY at teaching. You are leading your students to academic death. I feel like I should just quit this job and go into grad school. Maybe I should find some rich man to take care of me. Maybe I should do anything but this... I fail and I fail and I fail. Will it be like this when I go back to my region??? God, please no. I will quit if it is this bad in South Dakota. Can I blame this on the fact that I am teaching writing/reading? I think not, I think yes, I think I don't know how or what to think anymore. Epic failure and that is all.

************************

refocus
Teaching has to be one of the hardest things I have ever done. Today two students will be receiving a phone call home because they got up to three on the consequence chart. I suppose that my lesson should have been much more interactive. It is Monday; I should have known that students would be tired. To be fair to myself, the higher students really seemed to take alot away from this lesson. POETRY. Specifically, the theme of a poem. Mending Walls by Robert Frost and The Poison Tree by William Blake. Excellent poems, I think I did a good job with the think aloud portion. Hmm, but my CMA has said that sometimes I sound unsure of how to communicate the material, and my lesson plans are supposed to help fix that. I didn't follow my LP very well because I thought that I needed to adopt to where the class was readiness-wise. However, I think that maybe I should have let them break up into groups and fly on their own a bit. Kaedeen seems to be behaving now with Mr. Esch, and he was hell in a hand basket for me. (PS that is a metaphor :P ) I know also that I should have been more focused on the BMC. That woulda helped...ALOT. I have a meeting with my CMA tonight. It is going to be rough. But today was a BAD DAY, not a usual day. Granted, days like today SHOULD NOT HAPPEN. But good teachers are made not born, and I KNOW that I can be a great teacher. Not just good. Great. Every day I learn something new. And today, today I learned that behavior management can be more important that content.

Nobody's Business, if even my own

have you ever felt like there is a part of yourself that is aching to be satisfied, but isn't and VERY sadly cannot be, not now, if ever (it feels like)? it is not a bad part of yourself...it is good in the right circumstances. but your desire to be satisfied in the reveling or acting on this part of yourself is so strong, that it consumes you and agonizes you. i feel to deny this part of myself for much longer is intolerable. what do i desire more, to embrace this part of me or to abide by the law of God. to obey the law of God. then i will hold onto this part of myself for as long as i can, although it kills me to hide it, to repress it. i feel that to hold on to it much longer is to ruin me, and so i will hold onto it until i can no more, and then i will kill this part of myself and be cold-hearted to that aspect of me, even tho i am better with it and worse off without it, but such is life. the refining fire burns hot and sometimes we must die to ourselves to live in Christ. so be it, but it does feel like death, and DENIABLY somewhat of a pity




....................................................
This brings to mind my post from February 13th... i refuse to knowingly allow myself to be vulnerable to the enemy's temptations by permitting my dissatisfaction to overcome me. Thus, how can i turn this situtation, this STRUGGLE, over to my God, who is capable of healing all my pains and making me completely fulfilled? I will turn this over to Him, and ask Him to take this part of me which He created (but which I may have nurtured too much or in the wrong way) and help me channel it how He wills. This should be EXCITING! PLEASE LORD PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! but i thrust You, NO MATTER WHAT <3