Parent Teacher Conferences - Free Cookies and Coffee, for once, just isn't cuttin it.

So I am sitting here at my first ever REAL parent teacher conference...I am on the teacher end, of course :). I say "real" parent teacher conference because the school had one at the beginning of the year, but (for the entire three hours) I only had one parent show up, and it was the mother of a girl whose father is a security guard at the school. I have had six parents show up tonight, and we are only beginning the third hour of our 5 hour conference schedule. A huge improvement from my previous experience. (My enthusiasm must be shining through.) I have so many things I could be doing right now while I am waiting here in my room to confer with parents... Lesson plans for the week are due every Monday at 8 am. So far I have submitted the ones for today (already happened) and tomorrow. I will get right on that...cough. No, I seriously will. After I vent/express myself a little on virtual paper. Please, I have priorities.

You know, you would think that being a teacher is an easy job. Work from 8 till 4, get the summers off, get to hang-out with kids all day. What isn't to love, right? Well it isn't all as peachy as it seems...

...Professional development meetings where you listen to a woman describe to how to teach a student to read the word "man" using phonics, mmmm, mmmmaaaaa, mmmmaaaaaannnnnnnnnn, man.
...Paper work and modified lessons/worksheets for students on I.E.P.s, or "individualized education plans".
...Parent-teacher conferences that span over half of the working day, in fact, increasing your hours at school to 13 hours in one day, for two days in a row.
...After school tutoring till 5:30 for at least two days a week.
...Required CWG "collaborative work group" meetings once a week during your prep period.
...Constant observations (i.e. people/principals walking in and out of your room disrupting the flow of class with their presence and movement)
...And then the feedback, with people telling you what you are doing wrong and what you could do to get better. I want help, but holy stars, information overload. My goodness yo.
...Grade books not working.
...Paper. Paper. EVERYWHERE. Someone organize me.

I could go on, but my whining is boring me.

So, all I'm trying to say is that teachers deserve a little more respect, a little more prestige, and a little more free time. No not really, what I am trying to say is that I am getting lazy, I am having a hard time making myself care about preparing for class or grading after class, I am feeling undervalued and harshly critiqued, and I am feeling like I will never have what it takes to help a kid change their circumstances through getting a good education. And I am also saying I want more respect, prestige, and free time, but I think those are secondary concerns at this point. I just want to feel ok, and not like a miserable little pib-squeek  of a woman who can't manage a classroom of 14 year old teenagers nor teach basic math after she has earned her degree in the subject. Mahhh, I can't even express correctly. Just stop reading this and come read my heart.

Free coffee and cookies will usually make me happy to stay anywhere for any amount of time, so long as the goodies don't run out. Right now, mmm, not so much.

If the coffee runs out and you would like a half-empty glass of negativity, I have plenty here in Room 216.

Relationships

Today is the first morning that I have woken up an literally felt sick to my stomach, maybe because I am unprepared, maybe for other reasons (???). Today is also the first day why I have really remembered why I am here. Funny how things like that work out. I don't believe in coincidences. I have been been experiencing and re-experiencing all different kinds of self-doubts since I have been here, professional and personal. On a personal level, I notice that how other's respond to my presence makes far too big of an impact on my mood and on how I feel about myself. I think this is linked to the fact that I use my appearance as a means for acceptance from others. Too much of my value of myself is set in how others value me, and I try to get others to value me through my looks. Both of these avenues are poor choices, as they are both fickle and bound to change. I need more security than that.

This relates to why I am here. I am here because I wanted to show the girls here, and the women, that our value as people and specifically as women is not grounded in our appearance. Being beautiful or sexy doesn't make us more of a woman or any better of a woman. The way I have been presenting myself is not consistent with what I want to accomplish/communicate with the girls who see me everyday. Clothes that are maybe too fashionable, flirtatious eyes and smiles (even when it is just kidding around). What would be the difference in the impact I make in the lives of these young people if I addressed them and other adults with sincerity rather than surface level happy? What would be the difference in the impact I make in the lives of these young people if I dressed in less money and with less careful planning, and spent less time on my makeup and hair?

The thing about not showing surface level happy is that surface level happy makes people feel good, almost high... But I think showing sincerity would make people feel more content, which lasts longer and it maybe better in the long run... At this point, IDK...

Qué será, será

God works in mysterious ways. Sometimes, when I don't have the will or the strength to do what needs to be done, He does it for me. Sometimes it hurts, but I know He has my best interest in...or does He? Maybe He has His best interest in mind...His Kingdom's best interest in mind. I am okay with that. Carry on.

Some things to reflect on

“Go into the arts. I’m not kidding. The arts are not a way to make a living. They are a very human way of making life more bearable. Practicing an art, no matter how well or badly, is a way to make your soul grow, for heaven’s sake. Sing in the shower. Dance to the radio. Tell stories. Write a poem to a friend, even a lousy poem. Do it as well as you possible can. You will get an enormous reward. You will have created something.” -- Kurt Vonnegut










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It's your life, what'ch ya gonna do? 


The world is watching you. 
Everyday the choices you make
Say what you are and who 
Your heart beats for


It's an open door 


To live the way that you believe
This is your opportunity 
To let your life be one that lights the way 
~song clip, "It's Your Life" Francesca Battistelli 


Reflections




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A Classroom Experience

My experience as a high school math teacher has its ups and downs to stay the least. i think that by the end of this experience, if there is an end to this experience, i will have gained some huge insight into the way that people operate in a general motivational sense. what motivates people to do what they do?

why do feel like wisdom is laying at my finger tips and and unity is right around a corner that i can almost see. i feel so close yet so far away to making things work.

it is funny... classrooms are such DYNAMIC places... they change depending on who makes it to class, who walks in when, who has to go to the bathroom when, and it depends on the mood of EACH student AND especially on the mood of the teacher. It depends on how hard or easy the material being presented is. It depends on if all the students are on the same page academically, if they are all on the same level or if some are bored while others are struggling. it depends on if the teacher is prepared and organized, it depends on the seating chart, it depends on the rooms temperature, it depends on whether or not there are a lot of random announcemnets. a classroom is an ever changing never stagnant place where people have to learn how to work as individuals and in groups and channel their own needs into ways that benefit the group, and the group has to learn how to meet the needs of each individual.

Today in class we had our first class party, and it was awesome. 

I feel like we (the class) bonded. 

Jeremy

(my built 6'3'' freshman who 

can't stay in his seat, 

copies me while i'm lecturing, 

distracts others by talking to them and making ridiculous scenes, and who 

often flat refuses to do work...

 (perhaps because he doesn't know how)) 

shushed people today because he wanted to have our 15 minute party at the end of class 

with soda and brownies. 

Mind. 

Blown. 

i have two students who really know how to make my day. both are students who tend to have behavior problems. they need a lot of attention and need to have their achievements acknowledged, but they are both so worth it. to see their faces when they are happy is the biggest blessing anyone could ask for...it tears at my heart to think of them feeling rejected or unloved or hopeless or even like they can't do math (because they ought to feel like they are intelligent enough to succeed at whatever they want to, and that there are people who care enough to help them). i don't want to be the cause of any negative feelings in these two young men. how awesome would it be if they could learn to communicate their needs in a clear respectful productive manner! They would be able to grow SO MUCH more. What if they could see that other people have the same problems as they do, and that the behavior of other's is influenced by those problems too...What if they could see what it was that was influencing their own behavior, and not put the blame on how others behave or treat them. That would lead to some GOOD MEN.

Take those last three sentences and replace "they" with "I". Mmmmm. I'm gonna end with that -- chew chew.

Meet Your Teacher

why be a teacher?

Picking just one reason why I love teaching is a nearly impossible task. I have always know that I was not made for a job where I sit stagnant behind a desk or isolated in a cubicle. I get energy from working with people and for people. I like seeing how my everyday work affects the lives of my students. I like knowing that what I do opens doors in the lives of young people to be whoever they dream to be. I also love math--it is a predictable and understandable topic. Learning math is like learning a second language; after a while it just comes naturally. I like being able to pass on my passion for math to others, and teaching is a great way to connect those little light-bulbs of understanding to passion for the subject.

why in south dakota?

South Dakota is my home state and I want to stay here, and make a difference in the area where I intend to spend the rest of my life. The people and prairie and hills here are very dear to my heart. To see a people who are so firmly rooted in the same place where I place my roots struggling with everyday life is a disheartening and motivating observation for me. I choose to stay in South Dakota because it is my home and its people are my heart, and I see the need and feel the desire to begin a transformation of what we are okay with letting any people suffer through.

what do i hope to accomplish through being a teacher?

As a teacher, I hope to give individual students the courage to contradict the negative expectations that others have of them and that they have for themselves. As a teacher, I hope to inspire in students a hope that leads to a motivation, a motivation to overcome failures and push though tough times and hard work. As a teacher, I want to help my students develop mindsets will set them up for success at life.

What's shaping me:

Today I am feel confused about a lot of things. Maybe I am just in a tizzy from getting my flu shot, maybe I am confused by these new feelings I have for a man I should not have feelings for. Maybe I am worried that I am not effectively teaching the 50 students I am responsible for. Maybe I am concerned that I am not getting my TFA obligations fulfilled. Maybe I just need to chill. Maybe I just need to step it up. Maybe I need to turn it over. Maybe I need to step it up. Maybe I need to do both. So many variables, so few constants. My life is an equation continuously changing in order to stay balanced.

I had a good talk with the nurses while I was getting my flu shot.

Mindi was amazingly sweet to me Sunday night.

I have to stay after school today to help students with math and some might show up.

I have health insurance.

I have health.

I have love not contingent upon human emotions.

I have two prep periods today because my calc student didn't show.

I got two emails from professors saying they wanted to know how I was doing and that others did too.

Good things.